I beg the world to just let me be numb, to make the pain from yesterday and tomorrow roll off of me. Like a tsunami that pulls the water away the pain always rolls back in, deeper and harder than it had ever been before.
I try and see the good in life. Maybe I’ve gone blind.
What is the point in all of this hurt? What kind of god or deity says that this is okay. That free will is acceptable when it comes to damaging others. The scars in my brain are lesions that can’t be fixed. Not in this world. Probably not in the next.
I am angry. Angry at god, angry at myself for having faith in the greater good when the reality is that there is no good. It is a falsity, a bald-faced lie that we all look to as some sort of guide to having the best life, when none of us really do.
I hate.
I hate the happy people. The rich people. The people who got to die when I can’t. The people who laid there looking like they were sleeping peacefully ready for their grave with their mouths stitched shut to avoid the look of a screaming slack jaw staring up at the mourners. I envy that person. The person in the pine box, preparing for the flame.
All of this life, all of this hurt, this broken-ugly is hell. The good die young because they are too good for this inferno.
And today, like in years before, I watched the sunrise as if it were my first, and then I said goodbye to the light, knowing it was my last.
I cut myself just to feel the pain.
I bleed just to know I am alive.
I am sorry, every single day.
If God was my tourniquet, what will save my soul now that he has abandoned me?
“No” comes from my mouth so loudly in the darkness of the winters night that I wonder how it’s not heard around the world, I wake myself. The rapist’s in my head alive and well. I am the zombie that can’t get them to go away.
Crazy… I was crazy once…
Then, the brutal hit of life stole the wind from my lungs and snuffed out the flame that I had glowing inside.
Perhaps, I am numb, the pain is so bad I can barely recognize it. Is this a part of the show? This evil game where I am the mouse and I can’t tell who the cat is, so I have to trust no one? Don’t inhale the toxic fumes called air, Marisa. Hold your breath until the darkness creeps in and you close your eyes.
And if you don’t love me now…
Well, you probably never did.
