Saturday, August 4, 2012

Moving Backwards?

The day…

Is gloomy again with a light rain and thunder in the distance. Last night the storm that hit was loud and the rain was heavy. I haven’t been out to see which, if any, branches fell to the ground.

Lying here…

Last night reminded me of my mom and her fear/hate of thunderstorms because she can’t sleep. They don’t bother my sleep at all. When the trees are twisting and turning in the wickedness of the storm I ask Jesus to ensure that any trees that fall miss me and the house. He calmed the rough waters when he was awoken on the boat and He asked the disciples if they did not have faith that everything would be okay! I have faith. I pray to Him in thanks for my safety. I ask that He continues to keep me safe. I can sleep through the storm because I know that He will not give me more than I can handle. He takes care of His children like any protective parent would and I am blessed to be one of His children!

If only…

Everyone could learn to love the Lord and to not just love Him but have faith in Him and His capabilities. To realize that He is a loving, living God who hears our prayers even though we are undeserving. Humbling yourself for the Lord isn’t an easy feat, but once you can let go, throw your hands in the air and say God I need You, you will immediately reap the benefits of being His child. There is no room left for fear, only strength. My God can do anything!

Life is…

More hectic then I would like it to be. Getting the kids school supplies, doing shopping and baking and not knowing if or when I am moving are all things that are looming over me and stressing my mind out, making me just want to sleep. That’s how I handle stress, I sleep. I have plants that need to be moved to my parents’ house that were my grandmas and that needs done very soon so they don’t die out over the winter. It’s just hard to find the time and energy to get anything done these days. I hate my meds, I hate being in pain and I hate that no one will help me no matter how many times I ask. I am going to lose everything that was important to my grandma because I am physically too drained and everyone else just can’t bother.


The rain drop from the sky and listening to it hit the leaves on the trees just outside the window and seeing the clouds float by some white, some dark like they are as full as they can be! Knowing that each drop was sent here to serve a purpose, to give life to fill our water stores to feed our lakes and even just to give us the chance to go outside and dance in the life-giving water falling from the heavens.


How emotionally draining it will be to get married without my grandma standing by my side, doing my hair, making my dress and knowing now that someone who I don’t even know will likely be filling her place and doing those things since she will only be there in spirit.

I don’t want…

To walk down the aisle without her there and I don’t want to go through another pregnancy without her around. I don’t want to never see her again even though she has been gone for so many years. I know she is in Heaven where she belongs. I know she comes and speaks to me in spirit through my dreams. I don’t doubt that she isn’t a part of my life but it breaks my heart to think that every big moment in my life will be done without her. I will never hear her voice again, I will never feel her strong hands touch my hair or see them hold my baby’s. The recipes I had used when I was a child all went with her. Nothing has been the same, nothing has gotten better and nothing will ever change that pain. I want so badly to be angry with her for doing it to herself because of her smoking but non-smokers get lung cancer too. I am lonely for her touch, for the nights we laid in bed together and made shadow puppets on the wall, reading the Bible, listening to her snore.

Without her I would not be me. I’m not sure I want to be here without her. I am perpetually selfish.


Today I decided to test my food stores that were in the freezer and see if my bread would rise even though it had thawed during the 19 hours of no power. It began to rise the way it should but then it stopped at about the half way mark. After giving it an extra two hours without it growing any further I realized it was trash. Hard work making my dough just to toss it out, the yeast was dead. So along with having no fresh bread I have a fridge and freezer full of food that is deemed inedible and the freezer bottom is rather sticky, likely from ice cream or the frozen juices.

The dog, my Puppet, is still sick but seems to be on the mend. After nearly 48 hours of fasting and about 10 hours of no more mess I decided it was time to try the rice. Since I don’t eat rice and had forgot to grab some in town I was blessed to be able to run to the neighbours and borrow some rice. Its kind of funny to think about it because you always hear about “borrowing a cup of sugar” and I never thought I would have to do that! What a blessing to have a neighbour who happens to have a farm that I can borrow from when needed. Rice is on the list of things to pick up tomorrow. So far Puppet is handling the rice in her tummy well, fingers crossed. I have a big bowl of rice cooling in the fridge for her next meal.

I love to look into my fridge and see things that I have made, even if it is a bowl of rice for the dog! This is only the third time I have ever made rice, which is why I didn’t own any and had forgot to pick it up. I was impressed with myself when I saw that it came out white and fluffy! How silly is that?

My wiener dog is outside barking her fool head off right now, she likes to go out and bark for an hour or so every day, as long as it’s not too hot. With the evening breeze and the shade she is happily barking at the rabbits that seem to think our yard is their yard!

The crab-apples are almost ready to be picked. I need to get to them before the bear does. Hopefully I win. I don’t know what to do with them though. I personally hate the texture of apples and crab apples taste so bitter. I think I will do some searching and see if I can find a recipe for them, otherwise I will give them to my lovely neighbour and see what she comes up with! She seems to be a very good housewife with her ability to cook and clean and her work ethic. Farming isn’t easy and I often say I would love to have that life but on the days where I just need to stay in bed I know I would be an epic fail at farming. That said, I still intend to get some chickens, just a few and obviously not this year. It would be wonderful to have farm fresh eggs every day for cooking and baking. They don’t have that disgusting “old” smell or flavor that eggs from the grocery store have. Fresh is always the way to go and once you figure out your recipes and have your pantry stocked cooking from scratch becomes second nature and doesn’t take any more time than the prepackaged stuff. It’s also a lot cheaper and a lot healthier.

The house is slowly coming along as far as de-cluttering and cleaning up goes. It was going a lot faster until the dog got sick and she has since become my priority. I am excited to hopefully get back on track with my cleaning and purging of stuff over the next few days as she starts to get better.

My porch is still tidy and organized the kitchen floor is picked up and in need of a good wash. The dishes are piled up and the couch cushions need to have their covers put back on so they can be returned to the couch. The entire house needs swept up and the floors all need vacuumed and then washed. I can see the light at the end of this long dark tunnel though, which is something I haven’t felt in a few years. I have been paralyzed by loss and death and as my world mentally fell down around me I gave up on the physical world as well.

I still have nightmares about being killed, about being raped, etc. I often wonder if and when they will ever end and if they don’t if I will be capable of dealing with these images and emotions for the rest of my life. I certainly don’t want to. I wish they would invent that amnesia pill that I am after.

Last night in my sleep I was in their house standing out on the deck looking out over the lake wondering how I was going to get away this time. I could feel the bindings even tighter around me holding me in their own replica of hell. I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t scared when I was going through it either. I was just trying to survive. It’s odd how my fears now are more intense than they were all those years ago. Adrenaline and survival truly do take over any other thought processes. In that sense I did exactly what I needed to do. I got us out –alive!

Since the power outage I have begun to restock my fridge and cupboards just in case. I have a couple of cases of water, some water flavoring to make juice if needed. I bought some powdered milk because I am sick of wasting money on things I don’t necessarily use.

I have done a quick inventory to ensure I have stuff for baking and cooking if the power is to be out that long again unexpectedly. I replaced a couple of the things from my freezer and over the next week or so I will be pre-making some bread and pizza dough to freeze. I should also try and get some of the blocks of cheese from the wholesale store and cut them into portions making sure to freeze some, as well as some lunch meats, like pepperoni etc so that if the power does go out again I can cook from the freezer and not depend on take out.

I am also going to purchase some propane canisters so that I can cook. I don’t want food to go to waste the way it did this last time and everything in my freezer can be prepared with a propane element or the generator if need be, offering us a variety of foods and ensuring that there is minimal waste.

I looked up how long eggs will last past their date and the egg thingy of America says that they will last approx. five weeks after their expiry date, they just cannot be sold past that date. Then it continued and said that for each day eggs are not refrigerated that you should count that day as one week. So, essentially, if I have eggs in my fridge and the power goes out I should have no problem preparing breakfast without a fridge for at least five days! Am I weird because this makes me happy?

A quick tip to cooking eggs is if you want hardboiled eggs to use your older eggs for this purpose as they are far easier to shell when it’s time to eat. However, fresh eggs have very little to no odor, even when hardboiled so I guess it’s up to you!

If you are really low on cash and can’t afford to get to the store often you can purchase whole dried eggs which you would use much like normal eggs for baking and cooking, however they do not work well if you need them to be fluffy. I haven’t seen this product in our grocery stores here but I am sure you can get them in the city. You can also get them online from wholesale food distributers. If you can afford to invest in filling your pantry right now then why wait until an emergency just to find out your broke and have nothing to eat?

Tomorrow if it is cool out again I think I am going to do some baking. I want to make some cherry tarts and some molasses cookies. It’s odd how finding myself involves me going back to where I have already been. I am most comfortable there though, cooking, cleaning, being a mom and a wife (even though I am not married). I enjoy preparing foods, especially with the kids. There is nothing better than seeing the pride on their faces about a misshapen cookie that they want everyone to see before devouring it.

Those small moments are the ones that remind me how blessed I am. I get to cook with my children. I get to be the one who is in the lake with them as they grin from ear to ear because they swam for the first time from the dock out to me where none of us can touch. I get to experience the good the bad and the ugly and those good moments where genuine excitement and pride in accomplishments achieved through hard work shine through all the bickering and fighting vanished for a moment. I pray that other parents are able to experience these things with their children and realize the blessing that these seemingly small achievements truly are.

I pray that my children continue to talk to me about their problems and that I am the one who gets invited into their room when they need to have a private chat that I am the one they trust with their lives while swimming for the first time. I pray my God and Saviour sees that I realize  that each of these moments is a gift from Him and that He continues to bless me with all of the big and small things that life as a parent brings.

I’m excited to get married and to start this journey again with someone who loves me unconditionally and whom I love just the same. Through the good and the bad, sickness and health until death do us part. I am ready to move forward in my life and quit wasting time. I am ready to be a wife. I am ready to fulfill the role God placed me here for.


Thursday, August 2, 2012


The wounds on the outside heal; they may scar over or disappear altogether. It is the scars on the inside that continue to bleed, that we carry with us each day of our lives. The inner wounds are the ones that dictate who you are today and who you will turn into tomorrow.

Healing isn’t cut and dry, it is a journey that each of us must take hundreds of times throughout our lives. Sometimes the hill is easier to climb and then we can walk down the other side. Other times we struggle to reach the mountains peak only to fall off the edge and crash.

No matter how we get there, we somehow do.

Sometimes I feel lost. Lost within the confines of my mind, lost as a person in this world and I wonder if my life and my pain will ever impact anyone more than me. Will my experiences be something that help someone else or will they merely be something that bounce around in my head and torment me until my final breath?

I like to think that God did not allow me to survive all that I have in vain. That my story, my experiences will be used to help people, to bring Him honor and praise. What was done to me in the name of “god” will be undone and my prayer is that people who are hurt or abused by the wolves who wear the sheeps clothing will realize that the sheep didn’t injure them.

God was not the bully, it was not His will for my punishments, for my beatings, for my rapes. I was taught to think it was God’s will and it took me a great deal of time to realize that it wasn’t God, it was an imposter (satan) posing as the Almighty.

I am often saying “even Satan can read” and I understand that God is here to protect me. I must open my eyes and my ears to His teachings. I must open my heart to His unconditional love. I must accept that Jesus knows best and through learning His Word I know I will be accepted into His Kingdom and that as long as I follow the guidelines He has handed to me in the Biblical teachings that I will survive and I will enjoy His riches, now and forever.

“I once was lost but now I’m found, I was blind but now I see” –Newton