Moving Backwards?

The day…

Is gloomy again with a light rain and thunder in the distance. Last night the storm that hit was loud and the rain was heavy. I haven’t been out to see which, if any, branches fell to the ground.

Lying here…

Last night reminded me of my mom and her fear/hate of thunderstorms because she can’t sleep. They don’t bother my sleep at all. When the trees are twisting and turning in the wickedness of the storm I ask Jesus to ensure that any trees that fall miss me and the house. He calmed the rough waters when he was awoken on the boat and He asked the disciples if they did not have faith that everything would be okay! I have faith. I pray to Him in thanks for my safety. I ask that He continues to keep me safe. I can sleep through the storm because I know that He will not give me more than I can handle. He takes care of His children like any protective parent would and I am blessed to be one of His children!

If only…

Everyone could learn to love the Lord and to not just love Him but have faith in Him and His capabilities. To realize that He is a loving, living God who hears our prayers even though we are undeserving. Humbling yourself for the Lord isn’t an easy feat, but once you can let go, throw your hands in the air and say God I need You, you will immediately reap the benefits of being His child. There is no room left for fear, only strength. My God can do anything!

Life is…

More hectic then I would like it to be. Getting the kids school supplies, doing shopping and baking and not knowing if or when I am moving are all things that are looming over me and stressing my mind out, making me just want to sleep. That’s how I handle stress, I sleep. I have plants that need to be moved to my parents’ house that were my grandmas and that needs done very soon so they don’t die out over the winter. It’s just hard to find the time and energy to get anything done these days. I hate my meds, I hate being in pain and I hate that no one will help me no matter how many times I ask. I am going to lose everything that was important to my grandma because I am physically too drained and everyone else just can’t bother.

Watching…

The rain drop from the sky and listening to it hit the leaves on the trees just outside the window and seeing the clouds float by some white, some dark like they are as full as they can be! Knowing that each drop was sent here to serve a purpose, to give life to fill our water stores to feed our lakes and even just to give us the chance to go outside and dance in the life-giving water falling from the heavens.

Thinking…

How emotionally draining it will be to get married without my grandma standing by my side, doing my hair, making my dress and knowing now that someone who I don’t even know will likely be filling her place and doing those things since she will only be there in spirit.

I don’t want…

To walk down the aisle without her there and I don’t want to go through another pregnancy without her around. I don’t want to never see her again even though she has been gone for so many years. I know she is in Heaven where she belongs. I know she comes and speaks to me in spirit through my dreams. I don’t doubt that she isn’t a part of my life but it breaks my heart to think that every big moment in my life will be done without her. I will never hear her voice again, I will never feel her strong hands touch my hair or see them hold my baby’s. The recipes I had used when I was a child all went with her. Nothing has been the same, nothing has gotten better and nothing will ever change that pain. I want so badly to be angry with her for doing it to herself because of her smoking but non-smokers get lung cancer too. I am lonely for her touch, for the nights we laid in bed together and made shadow puppets on the wall, reading the Bible, listening to her snore.

Without her I would not be me. I’m not sure I want to be here without her. I am perpetually selfish.