Fueled Flame

I beg the world to just let me be numb, to make the pain from yesterday and tomorrow roll off of me. Like a tsunami that pulls the water away the pain always rolls back in, deeper and harder than it had ever been before.

I try and see the good in life. Maybe I’ve gone blind.

What is the point in all of this hurt? What kind of god or deity says that this is okay. That free will is acceptable when it comes to damaging others. The scars in my brain are lesions that can’t be fixed. Not in this world. Probably not in the next.

I am angry. Angry at god, angry at myself for having faith in the greater good when the reality is that there is no good. It is a falsity, a bald-faced lie that we all look to as some sort of guide to having the best life, when none of us really do.

I hate.

I hate the happy people. The rich people. The people who got to die when I can’t. The people who laid there looking like they were sleeping peacefully ready for their grave with their mouths stitched shut to avoid the look of a screaming slack jaw staring up at the mourners. I envy that person. The person in the pine box, preparing for the flame.

All of this life, all of this hurt, this broken-ugly is hell. The good die young because they are too good for this inferno.

And today, like in years before, I watched the sunrise as if it were my first, and then I said goodbye to the light, knowing it was my last.

I cut myself just to feel the pain.

I bleed just to know I am alive.

I am sorry, every single day.

If God was my tourniquet, what will save my soul now that he has abandoned me?

“No” comes from my mouth so loudly in the darkness of the winters night that I wonder how it’s not heard around the world, I wake myself. The rapist’s in my head alive and well. I am the zombie that can’t get them to go away.

Crazy… I was crazy once…

Then, the brutal hit of life stole the wind from my lungs and snuffed out the flame that I had glowing inside.

Perhaps, I am numb, the pain is so bad I can barely recognize it. Is this a part of the show? This evil game where I am the mouse and I can’t tell who the cat is, so I have to trust no one? Don’t inhale the toxic fumes called air, Marisa. Hold your breath until the darkness creeps in and you close your eyes.

And if you don’t love me now…

Well, you probably never did.

Suicidal Dreams | Poem

I look down and see the moon

Reaching to the window

I will be close soon.

Grabbed back from that innocently selfish step

I’m wondering why the sky is below

Where am I that it’s all upside down?

Tenderness, pain, and emotion without sound

Living life while begging to die

How am I swimming in the sky?

My faith is real yet I fear I am not

A mass of carbon without any thought

Just one step and it’s do or die.

Why won’t you release the shackles

Please, just let me try

Forever I’ll be yours, here or there.

If it doesn’t work what will you care?

And if I float into the Heavenly abyss

I’ll come to you and tell you what you’ve missed.

Digital Rape

Was I the hidden lie that you think you made

Intellect turned into your little naughty slave

Your nasty across my screen has gone away

The pain you caused just won’t fade

Anger, rage, hurt, the turmoil that you laid

No justice for me, her or the others today

I know they’re out there

More just like me somewhere

Drowning by the crushing of the waves

The tide pulls in and out

You silenced our voices and we cannot shout

I scream and the echo is in my head

You went inside and shot your seed

My body the toy you said you need

Open legs and open eyes

The fury has become the surprise

Moving Backwards?

The day…

Is gloomy again with a light rain and thunder in the distance. Last night the storm that hit was loud and the rain was heavy. I haven’t been out to see which, if any, branches fell to the ground.

Lying here…

Last night reminded me of my mom and her fear/hate of thunderstorms because she can’t sleep. They don’t bother my sleep at all. When the trees are twisting and turning in the wickedness of the storm I ask Jesus to ensure that any trees that fall miss me and the house. He calmed the rough waters when he was awoken on the boat and He asked the disciples if they did not have faith that everything would be okay! I have faith. I pray to Him in thanks for my safety. I ask that He continues to keep me safe. I can sleep through the storm because I know that He will not give me more than I can handle. He takes care of His children like any protective parent would and I am blessed to be one of His children!

If only…

Everyone could learn to love the Lord and to not just love Him but have faith in Him and His capabilities. To realize that He is a loving, living God who hears our prayers even though we are undeserving. Humbling yourself for the Lord isn’t an easy feat, but once you can let go, throw your hands in the air and say God I need You, you will immediately reap the benefits of being His child. There is no room left for fear, only strength. My God can do anything!

Life is…

More hectic then I would like it to be. Getting the kids school supplies, doing shopping and baking and not knowing if or when I am moving are all things that are looming over me and stressing my mind out, making me just want to sleep. That’s how I handle stress, I sleep. I have plants that need to be moved to my parents’ house that were my grandmas and that needs done very soon so they don’t die out over the winter. It’s just hard to find the time and energy to get anything done these days. I hate my meds, I hate being in pain and I hate that no one will help me no matter how many times I ask. I am going to lose everything that was important to my grandma because I am physically too drained and everyone else just can’t bother.

Watching…

The rain drop from the sky and listening to it hit the leaves on the trees just outside the window and seeing the clouds float by some white, some dark like they are as full as they can be! Knowing that each drop was sent here to serve a purpose, to give life to fill our water stores to feed our lakes and even just to give us the chance to go outside and dance in the life-giving water falling from the heavens.

Thinking…

How emotionally draining it will be to get married without my grandma standing by my side, doing my hair, making my dress and knowing now that someone who I don’t even know will likely be filling her place and doing those things since she will only be there in spirit.

I don’t want…

To walk down the aisle without her there and I don’t want to go through another pregnancy without her around. I don’t want to never see her again even though she has been gone for so many years. I know she is in Heaven where she belongs. I know she comes and speaks to me in spirit through my dreams. I don’t doubt that she isn’t a part of my life but it breaks my heart to think that every big moment in my life will be done without her. I will never hear her voice again, I will never feel her strong hands touch my hair or see them hold my baby’s. The recipes I had used when I was a child all went with her. Nothing has been the same, nothing has gotten better and nothing will ever change that pain. I want so badly to be angry with her for doing it to herself because of her smoking but non-smokers get lung cancer too. I am lonely for her touch, for the nights we laid in bed together and made shadow puppets on the wall, reading the Bible, listening to her snore.

Without her I would not be me. I’m not sure I want to be here without her. I am perpetually selfish.

Rambling

Today I decided to test my food stores that were in the freezer and see if my bread would rise even though it had thawed during the 19 hours of no power. It began to rise the way it should but then it stopped at about the half way mark. After giving it an extra two hours without it growing any further I realized it was trash. Hard work making my dough just to toss it out, the yeast was dead. So along with having no fresh bread I have a fridge and freezer full of food that is deemed inedible and the freezer bottom is rather sticky, likely from ice cream or the frozen juices.

The dog, my Puppet, is still sick but seems to be on the mend. After nearly 48 hours of fasting and about 10 hours of no more mess I decided it was time to try the rice. Since I don’t eat rice and had forgot to grab some in town I was blessed to be able to run to the neighbours and borrow some rice. Its kind of funny to think about it because you always hear about “borrowing a cup of sugar” and I never thought I would have to do that! What a blessing to have a neighbour who happens to have a farm that I can borrow from when needed. Rice is on the list of things to pick up tomorrow. So far Puppet is handling the rice in her tummy well, fingers crossed. I have a big bowl of rice cooling in the fridge for her next meal.

I love to look into my fridge and see things that I have made, even if it is a bowl of rice for the dog! This is only the third time I have ever made rice, which is why I didn’t own any and had forgot to pick it up. I was impressed with myself when I saw that it came out white and fluffy! How silly is that?

My wiener dog is outside barking her fool head off right now, she likes to go out and bark for an hour or so every day, as long as it’s not too hot. With the evening breeze and the shade she is happily barking at the rabbits that seem to think our yard is their yard!

The crab-apples are almost ready to be picked. I need to get to them before the bear does. Hopefully I win. I don’t know what to do with them though. I personally hate the texture of apples and crab apples taste so bitter. I think I will do some searching and see if I can find a recipe for them, otherwise I will give them to my lovely neighbour and see what she comes up with! She seems to be a very good housewife with her ability to cook and clean and her work ethic. Farming isn’t easy and I often say I would love to have that life but on the days where I just need to stay in bed I know I would be an epic fail at farming. That said, I still intend to get some chickens, just a few and obviously not this year. It would be wonderful to have farm fresh eggs every day for cooking and baking. They don’t have that disgusting “old” smell or flavor that eggs from the grocery store have. Fresh is always the way to go and once you figure out your recipes and have your pantry stocked cooking from scratch becomes second nature and doesn’t take any more time than the prepackaged stuff. It’s also a lot cheaper and a lot healthier.

The house is slowly coming along as far as de-cluttering and cleaning up goes. It was going a lot faster until the dog got sick and she has since become my priority. I am excited to hopefully get back on track with my cleaning and purging of stuff over the next few days as she starts to get better.

My porch is still tidy and organized the kitchen floor is picked up and in need of a good wash. The dishes are piled up and the couch cushions need to have their covers put back on so they can be returned to the couch. The entire house needs swept up and the floors all need vacuumed and then washed. I can see the light at the end of this long dark tunnel though, which is something I haven’t felt in a few years. I have been paralyzed by loss and death and as my world mentally fell down around me I gave up on the physical world as well.

I still have nightmares about being killed, about being raped, etc. I often wonder if and when they will ever end and if they don’t if I will be capable of dealing with these images and emotions for the rest of my life. I certainly don’t want to. I wish they would invent that amnesia pill that I am after.

Last night in my sleep I was in their house standing out on the deck looking out over the lake wondering how I was going to get away this time. I could feel the bindings even tighter around me holding me in their own replica of hell. I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t scared when I was going through it either. I was just trying to survive. It’s odd how my fears now are more intense than they were all those years ago. Adrenaline and survival truly do take over any other thought processes. In that sense I did exactly what I needed to do. I got us out –alive!

Since the power outage I have begun to restock my fridge and cupboards just in case. I have a couple of cases of water, some water flavoring to make juice if needed. I bought some powdered milk because I am sick of wasting money on things I don’t necessarily use.

I have done a quick inventory to ensure I have stuff for baking and cooking if the power is to be out that long again unexpectedly. I replaced a couple of the things from my freezer and over the next week or so I will be pre-making some bread and pizza dough to freeze. I should also try and get some of the blocks of cheese from the wholesale store and cut them into portions making sure to freeze some, as well as some lunch meats, like pepperoni etc so that if the power does go out again I can cook from the freezer and not depend on take out.

I am also going to purchase some propane canisters so that I can cook. I don’t want food to go to waste the way it did this last time and everything in my freezer can be prepared with a propane element or the generator if need be, offering us a variety of foods and ensuring that there is minimal waste.

I looked up how long eggs will last past their date and the egg thingy of America says that they will last approx. five weeks after their expiry date, they just cannot be sold past that date. Then it continued and said that for each day eggs are not refrigerated that you should count that day as one week. So, essentially, if I have eggs in my fridge and the power goes out I should have no problem preparing breakfast without a fridge for at least five days! Am I weird because this makes me happy?

A quick tip to cooking eggs is if you want hardboiled eggs to use your older eggs for this purpose as they are far easier to shell when it’s time to eat. However, fresh eggs have very little to no odor, even when hardboiled so I guess it’s up to you!

If you are really low on cash and can’t afford to get to the store often you can purchase whole dried eggs which you would use much like normal eggs for baking and cooking, however they do not work well if you need them to be fluffy. I haven’t seen this product in our grocery stores here but I am sure you can get them in the city. You can also get them online from wholesale food distributers. If you can afford to invest in filling your pantry right now then why wait until an emergency just to find out your broke and have nothing to eat?

Tomorrow if it is cool out again I think I am going to do some baking. I want to make some cherry tarts and some molasses cookies. It’s odd how finding myself involves me going back to where I have already been. I am most comfortable there though, cooking, cleaning, being a mom and a wife (even though I am not married). I enjoy preparing foods, especially with the kids. There is nothing better than seeing the pride on their faces about a misshapen cookie that they want everyone to see before devouring it.

Those small moments are the ones that remind me how blessed I am. I get to cook with my children. I get to be the one who is in the lake with them as they grin from ear to ear because they swam for the first time from the dock out to me where none of us can touch. I get to experience the good the bad and the ugly and those good moments where genuine excitement and pride in accomplishments achieved through hard work shine through all the bickering and fighting vanished for a moment. I pray that other parents are able to experience these things with their children and realize the blessing that these seemingly small achievements truly are.

I pray that my children continue to talk to me about their problems and that I am the one who gets invited into their room when they need to have a private chat that I am the one they trust with their lives while swimming for the first time. I pray my God and Saviour sees that I realize  that each of these moments is a gift from Him and that He continues to bless me with all of the big and small things that life as a parent brings.

I’m excited to get married and to start this journey again with someone who loves me unconditionally and whom I love just the same. Through the good and the bad, sickness and health until death do us part. I am ready to move forward in my life and quit wasting time. I am ready to be a wife. I am ready to fulfill the role God placed me here for.

                                                                                                                         

Wounded

The wounds on the outside heal; they may scar over or disappear altogether. It is the scars on the inside that continue to bleed, that we carry with us each day of our lives. The inner wounds are the ones that dictate who you are today and who you will turn into tomorrow.

Healing isn’t cut and dry, it is a journey that each of us must take hundreds of times throughout our lives. Sometimes the hill is easier to climb and then we can walk down the other side. Other times we struggle to reach the mountains peak only to fall off the edge and crash.

No matter how we get there, we somehow do.

Sometimes I feel lost. Lost within the confines of my mind, lost as a person in this world and I wonder if my life and my pain will ever impact anyone more than me. Will my experiences be something that help someone else or will they merely be something that bounce around in my head and torment me until my final breath?

I like to think that God did not allow me to survive all that I have in vain. That my story, my experiences will be used to help people, to bring Him honor and praise. What was done to me in the name of “god” will be undone and my prayer is that people who are hurt or abused by the wolves who wear the sheeps clothing will realize that the sheep didn’t injure them.

God was not the bully, it was not His will for my punishments, for my beatings, for my rapes. I was taught to think it was God’s will and it took me a great deal of time to realize that it wasn’t God, it was an imposter (satan) posing as the Almighty.

I am often saying “even Satan can read” and I understand that God is here to protect me. I must open my eyes and my ears to His teachings. I must open my heart to His unconditional love. I must accept that Jesus knows best and through learning His Word I know I will be accepted into His Kingdom and that as long as I follow the guidelines He has handed to me in the Biblical teachings that I will survive and I will enjoy His riches, now and forever.

“I once was lost but now I’m found, I was blind but now I see” –Newton

Saying Goodbye and Giving Praise!

How do you say goodbye to someone who you love more than anything but never had the chance to meet?

This is the place when we tend to lean on God the most. We trust that His gentle loving arms accept our unborn into His kingdom. We have faith that every child was sent for a purpose, whether we met the child or not. We think of the Biblical text and find solace in knowing that Jesus wants the children to come to Him!

M't:19:13: Then were there brought unto him little children, that he should put his hands on them, and pray: and the disciples rebuked them.

M't:19:14: But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.

M't:19:29: And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life.

We are blessed.

We have the knowledge that the first thing our unborn laid their eyes on was the Kingdom of God!

He comforts us through our prayers, through fellowship, through friendship and our family –whoever our family is.

The pain of being human is real. Very real. Handing that pain over to God is difficult for us because it is so overwhelming and in a lot of ways it is the only thing we have to hold onto. He died on the cross for us to bare our sins, to take away our pain, to heal us. We have to accept this gift which can be the biggest change in mindset of all.

You may be a baby Christian or you may have studied the Word your entire life. No matter how long you have accepted Jesus as your Lord and Saviour He is a living God and our relationship with Him is always growing, it is always changing and like all relationships it can always be improved upon.

When the world around you feels deep and dark remember that He is the light of your life and allow Him to guide your way.

Instead of saying goodbye to our little ones we need to give God praise for saving them from this world, blessing us for the few short weeks we had them, and for taking them into His loving arms. Each child was given a purpose on earth and that purpose doesn’t mean that the baby was born, to God the child was a living being from conception and this is a gift from Him that we will hopefully use in His name.

An old friend of mine, Heidi, who is now a midwife, has inspired me in many ways in finding my path with God and how blessed I truly am. On her blog Created for Praise she uses a piece of scripture that I can’t help but love.

“This will be written for the generation to come; That a people yet to be created may praise the Lord.” Psalm 102:18

Heidi’s page says “A people yet to be created will praise the Lord”. I think it is important to remember that for all of us parents who either want children, have children or have children in Heaven that our children whether created or not all have a purpose in His holy name!

On My Soap Box

I am sick…

Of the judgement, prejudice and racism in the world that gives me a bad name because I am a Christian woman.

Today a Facebook page that I follow posted a thank you to a restaurant that made a stand against homosexuality. I couldn’t help but respond to their post that seemed full of pride and excitement.

God says to love all people. Jesus came here to set this example of loving everyone no matter what or who they are and I believe in unconditional love. I believe the message that Jesus sent.

I am sickened by those who manipulate the Word of God to suit their own needs.

If Christians were to follow all of the biblical rules there are over 613!

Everything from diet, cleansing, sacrifices, tattoo’s, marriage, divorce, adultery, murder, swears, honoring your parents, mixing your food, child rearing, our clothing, head coverings; etc. The list goes on and on and no one and I mean NO ONE can say they are without sin except for Jesus Himself.

So I ask…

Why do you choose which of these rules to follow? God says to follow them all. The church has for the most part tossed out 90% of these rules yet keeps the ones that encourage judgement and hate. Why?

Why do we continue to fight a battle against genetics?

Why are so many willing to kill in God’s name?

And yes, bullying and prejudice kills, it leads to depression, anxiety and suicide.

If you have spoken about a person or a group of people that made someone feel that desperate then yes, you killed them. You killed their hopes and dreams for the future.

You killed their future.

You stole from them happiness and peace.

You judged them even though the Bible tells us “Judge not lest ye be judged”.

 Murder doesn’t always involve a gun or weapon. It is the death of a person’s future because they fear the hate and the judgement they will receive. Many people do commit suicide because they feel so hopeless.

Why do you steal hope when we are told not to steal?

How…

Would you feel if someone walked into your life and told you everything you were doing was completely wrong?

Would you deal with someone walking in and saying your marriage was a sin and that your love wasn’t real?

Would you handle your lover being on his/her death bed and you have no control because your state doesn’t recognize your love?

Would you feel if you were told you could not have children?

Would you feel if you were kicked out of church for being a “sinner”?

You…

Don’t have to accept other people’s lives, but you have to accept your own choices and know that they will be judged by God when your time comes.

Next time you make the choice to spread hate in God’s name ask yourself if that is what God would want you to do.

The last I checked the Bible says to turn the other cheek; it says to love one another. It doesn’t spread the message of hate, it spreads the message of love and if you aren’t spreading love in your actions then you should reconsider those actions and ask yourself what God would have you do!