Tuesday, May 1, 2012

In Gods Hands

“I will get down on my knees and I will pray” –Jewel

I am feeling emotionally and physically wrecked today. I am tired, I am bitchy, and I keep fucking everything up because of my own heart ache. I drop to my knees and I beg a God I am not even sure if I believe in anymore to take me back. He does it every day to thousands of people, why not me? When is it going to be my turn? When will He whisper my name and call me home? Maybe heaven isn’t my home and that’s why I am left to suffer here in this parallel between heaven and hell that I call life. 

I am tired of having raw eyes and a broken/damaged soul. I want out of this hell sooner than later. I want to be reunited with my babies. I want to experience His love and His grace within His heavenly domain. 

I am sick of sitting in the cemetery and crying over the grave of someone else’s child. It seems so cruel that my babies weren’t considered “people” and I am left with nowhere to mourn because my children weren’t born alive, they weren’t born looking like they would have had they been full term. They were considered “fetal mass”. Nothing more, nothing less. 

To me those weeks that I had them in my tummy, the flutter kicks. The throwing up, the way my tummy expands so quickly when I am with child showed me that my babies are real. To me and to God they were and are very real. Their lives, although short on this earth had so much meaning. They are so deeply loved and missed. They are real. Sent by God to forever change my life in the way only a child can.

“A people yet to be created will praise the Lord” Psalm 102:18

I know that my babies are praising the Lord. They were sent here with a plan and even though that plan hurts me so immensely I have to trust that the few weeks in which they were with me that each of them has worked to benefit my life and the lives of others. I have been changed, forever, because of their existence and I know that they continue to exist without the pains of this world. How blessed they are to have seen Gods face first!

I will always wonder what I am missing out on, I will always see them in my sleep as they continue to grow and frolic in the kingdom of God. I will one day join them and we will finally meet. It hurts me as a living being but as a spiritual entity there is no better place to be then in the holds of our Lord and Saviour for all of eternity.

I may be confused. I may be lost. I may be ready to die just so I can get there faster. I don’t know where my own life path is heading. Then again, do any of us?

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