Redundant

“Have the courage to live. Anyone can die.” –Robert Cody

Today I spent much of the day crying. The tears kept flowing no matter how hard I tried to get them to stop, sometimes it feels as though I have been sucked into a parallel life that isn’t really my own. Yet I know that every pain I feel is mine, 100%. I am sad, I am depressed. Parts of me even feel devastated today.

Over what?

Over everything, going back to when I was a young child to things that I live with today and will continue to live with tomorrow and the day after that. Most of the year these things don’t bother me, they don’t get to me, but a few times a year I am in a tail spin and I am headed straight down. I put my arms out to break the fall but I hit and I hit hard. I survive the crash, but the crash was inevitable.

I would love to be able to use these feelings for something good but I don’t possibly say how. I don’t see how I can move forward and leave the pain behind. The things that plague me left holes. They can’t be filled by a husband or a baby. I may be able to achieve joy and happiness but not a day will pass that I won’t think about the things that hurt me so.

I missed out on so much of my life because I was living a different one. Yet I honestly can say I have no regrets. No significant regrets anyway. I know without a doubt I did what I had to do to survive.
I don’t really have anything to say tonight. I am being redundant from last nights post as I am still feeling about the same.

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.”   
--Norman Cousins