Monday, June 11, 2012

MIA- Missing in Action

I haven’t written in a while which is odd for me considering I have been doing more. I guess I am trying to passively avoid how I am feeling and touching on the hundreds of subjects wandering about my thoughts. Sometimes the pain is so great in the depths of ones’ soul that you shouldn’t try and express it, rather you need to experience it, feel it, ride the inevitable wave back to solid ground and have hope that when you hit that you are no worse for wear then when you started. 

There was a storm yesterday. Thunder and lightning most of the day causing my power to be out so I went out, when I returned the rock cuts had waterfalls pouring from them down onto the road, forcing traffic over into the next lane, not knowing if we were going to fall into a watery grave or hit a fallen boulder. It is interesting how we need water in order to survive but it can so easily steal your life from you, in only a few short seconds. That in which we relish, we also fear. I suppose that is what makes each of us human.

As I write this the rain has picked up again watering the plants, nurturing the fruit trees and making the cat look 5 pounds lighter. If only I could look half my size when out in the rain, I would pray for rain every day!!! The cat doesn’t mind the rain though like most cats. She seems to enjoy it, at least the fact that she tries to shower with me makes me believe she enjoys a good rain. The poor thing can’t manage to stay attached to the roof though as the water flows off; it tends to bring her with it. She hasn’t got hurt by this, yet, but her ego sure feels it.

My medication got screwed up rather badly this week, making me feel quite sick. I am pleased that this week I get to rest for the most part and get back on track with things. I hope that I will feel better once everything is back the way it should be. 

I bought all of my plants (I think) for this summer. I have decided to plant nothing new in the ground this year and see what comes up from the last couple of years instead. I bought several different things to fill my big flower pots. I had planned to plant them this weekend but the rain hasn’t been too kind, so I will wait a day or two. A morning glory has already decided where it will be planted as it has started its long ascent up the trellis without any prompting. Growing up, I used to get up every morning and run outside to check my morning glories! By the time lunch came around the flowers would be well on their way to closed for the day and I would have another long night of waiting and hoping I didn’t miss them the next morning.

The water is still cold, I walked on the beach the other day and when I got into the lake up to about my knees the cold started to hurt into my bones. Unless I plan to swim in only six inches of water, the lake is not ready for me, yet. Soon enough I will be diving off of docks and not caring about the cold. I feel natural in water, I feel weightless, and I feel like it is where I belong. I feel like I am me.

School will be out soon and life will become more hectic than I like. Simple things like going to the store become an issue because of all the people and their bratty children making so much noise and closing in on me. The added population here in the summer is enough to drive anyone nuts, never mind someone who already gets bad social anxiety. I have driven to stores before and been overwhelmed by the amount of vehicles in the parking lot and left without even shutting the car off. Anxiety is a very strange thing as it creeps up on you when you don’t expect it, and when you do expect it and feel prepared it never shows its face. It’s like when your car is making a funny noise until the mechanic checks it out and calls you crazy.

The past weeks I have had many cries, many emotions both good and bad. I have dreamt of life, death and everything in between. I have had astral dreams which were just weird to say the least and I have felt pain deeper than I have ever before. Just when it feels overwhelming, too much to bare I somehow muster up strength I didn’t know existed within me and I continue to survive, to live.

I just don’t know why…

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