Friday, June 29, 2012
Teetering violently on the edge of life and death I wonder if being gone will be less of a burden to those around me if I just let myself fall off the edge completely. It’s been quite some time since I have felt so desperate, so frustrated, so misunderstood. I forgot for a short while how it felt to hate myself so much. Unfortunately that loathing has come back with a vengeance all of its own and I hate myself more now than I ever have before.
I look at my scars and I wonder why I am still alive. I wonder if next time the scars will go deep enough to end things once and for all. I glance around the house and know it wouldn’t be hard to end this pain and every moment the temptation becomes stronger and more intense. One moment I am looking forward to the future and the next I am looking forward to the end. I am like a yo-yo and I hate it. I hate myself more because of it.
I can’t win.
I think it is fair to say that I am very much feeling like I am under attack by everyone and everything. My dreams haunt me while I am awake just as much as they do while I am asleep. I am exhausted all the time both physically and mentally because of the constant anguish that has become the only consistent thing in my life. I trust a few people but when paranoia strikes it strikes deep and I even begin to doubt that. Like everyone is out to hurt me. History is bound to repeat itself so I pull away and retreat into my shell where I feel ridiculously safe from the fear of those around me hurting me the way I have been hurt so many times before.
I have come to know that I am my own worst enemy, sabotaging myself and the relationships I have with others out of pure genuine fear. What have I become? Why do I feel like being six feet under would be so much better? Who would even miss me and my constant whining? I am at a loss for answers and maybe that’s for the best.
Detaching from those around me seems to be the only thing I am half decent at. I am otherwise useless at pretty much everything tossed my way. With crushed dreams and a broken heart it’s impossible to find the physical and mental energy to achieve anything. I just want to sleep. Sleep sounds good. I miss sleeping all day and night not caring about the rest of the world. Now I am involved and I am in pain.
So much pain…
The tears flow freely brought on by the present and the stresses of the season. I look in the mirror and I am disgusted by who looks back. I am a murderer. I am a bitch. I am gone. I feel the chains tightly encasing my wrists and my ankles, the collar locked tightly on my throat making swallowing a chore. I remember it all and I wonder if anything other than my tears will ever truly be free?!
“The sun shines and I can't avoid the light
I think I'm holding on to life too tight
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust
Sometimes I feel like giving up
Yeah, I say... Sometimes I feel like giving up” –Creed