Friday, March 9, 2012

Connected Me to You

“I would go lay on the beach in the dark of night and watch the sky dance, it was wonderful” –Me

I find it so magical when you and I can be 1000 miles apart and stare up at the same time into the brightness of the black night sky. We can watch the moon together, we can see the stars. Suddenly that thousand miles doesn’t seem to exist, the gap is filled because of the magic that is so far away. The chill running through you as you lay back and watch all of space and time right before your eyes. It is easy to see why ancient cultures revered the movement of the sky the way they do. There is something so beyond our grasp that tends to pull you in.

When I look up at the moon I am looking at what hundreds of thousands of people are seeing at the same time. Oddly looking into the unknown is somehow grounding. It makes you realize that distance on earth has no bounds and that you are a part of the sand or grass in which you sit.

It also gives you a feeling of being small and almost insignificant. You stare up at the dotted sky and you wonder if the stars are looking back at you. You wonder how many are even still burning. So many are burnt out but we still receive their glow because of how many light years we are away.

I often wonder which ones are the souls of people, who I have loved and lost, staring down and guiding the way. When I die will I become someone’s guiding light? Will you?

I remember at one point talking to a priest and telling them that if believing in Jesus gave me everlasting life I didn’t want it. I tend to still feel that way. Everlasting is a lot of time. It would be easier to believe I will come back as someone and not just roam another realm for all of eternity. I guess my ideas on spirituality have a whole lot of things picked out from several different “religions” and my faith is based on that. Do I believe in a god? Yes, but I also believe in other gods. Christianity tells us through the ten commandments “You shalt NOT have any gods before ME” to me this is highly suggestive that even god almighty believes there are others, he just wants to be, or demands to be, the most high. 

Now, I don’t know where my actual belief system falls. I guess somewhere between Hindu and Pagan. I am not really sure. I don’t believe in a monotheistic faith, I believe in reincarnation, but I also believe in heaven, hell and being trapped in between.

I guess the journey to find out who I am continues to be ongoing. I am fine with that. Maybe no one ever truly finds themselves. Life is an ongoing piece of growth. I doubt we are ever actually done. If you think you have figured out everything there is to know, you either don’t have many questions, or you have given up on learning who you are. 

They say “you learn something new every day” I suppose that holds more truth than people would want to believe. Especially in our societies where people tend to believe that they are a registered professional and can do no wrong. The fact is we have two choices, live or die. If you give up you are dead whether you have left this realm or not. If you decide to live you learn, you change, you modify and you grow. You are open to new ideas, concepts and understanding. 

I would like to say that even though I often feel dead inside that I am an ever evolving being, learning from my actions, from the world around me, both good and bad and the history of the world. Every moment in life gives us the opportunity to learn, it’s up to you to decide what exactly it is you take from each moment.

This week I have learned a lot about myself and the people around me. I have come to realize that when someone is hurting me and they refuse to change their ways I HAVE to protect myself and be willing to walk away, even if that walk hurts because living to die is getting really old. I am tired of the person who I have become. Dependant, melancholy, depressed, emotional and untrusting.  

I have allowed the wrong people to influence my decisions the last couple of months and that was dumb. Being a victim already I know a bad situation when I see one and I should never have fallen victim to others, or myself.

In this world, there tends to be only black and white. Most of the time I live in the grey areas that are far less explored.

I am exhausted and sore. I need to rest. I am beginning to loathe that word. I have been sick so much so often the last while and it’s one thing after another after another. I am tired. Fighting a fight that you don’t even want to be part of is draining all around. 

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