Friday, March 23, 2012

The Rain Fell

Once again it is 4 am. Seems like I am either asleep all the time or not at all, no happy medium here. I have been lying in bed the last few hours listening to the spring rain gently falling to the ground, with the chill of the still cold air filling my lungs and house. It was weird to lay down and hear a dog barking somewhere far off in the distance. This winter was a short one. It was only two weeks ago that my son was hiding in a snow fort, now there is no snow to find, let alone build a fort with. Things in the garden have started to pop up and the buds are forming on some of the braver trees. I shouldn’t be surprised given the weather, but they are about 6 weeks earlier than normal. I am continually reminding myself that it is still March as it feels more like end of April early May. We have had record breaking highs several times in the last week or so. 

I have been thinking a lot the last few days about how I want to have another baby. I am getting old now and I really want to start a family. The whole thing, husband, house, kids, dogs, etc.; I am not sure if it is bothering me more now because of my age or if other things are the cause. Spring is always a hard time for me anyway as it’s the time of year that my last baby would have been born had she survived. It is hard for me to sit here and think that my dark haired angel would be five in a few short weeks. I know people miscarry or lose infants or children every day. What I don’t know is how they move forward. I have been paralyzed by fear for all these years because of her returning to the heavens where she belongs. 

Humans are selfish beings. For some reason we would rather have the person alive, tactile, and suffering then to consider letting them move on to where the pain of today and tomorrow no longer exists. I just want my babies back, is that too much to ask for? I suppose it is because that then makes me the person who would rather have them here suffering this world then happily playing angelically, innocently for eternity.

I have been blessed over the last several years with finding sisters like Christine and for finding friends who support my often insane rants and conspiracy theories. I am lucky to be intellectually stimulated by what I consider to be among the most intelligent people in the world from nearly every race, religion, culture and place. Who can ask for more as far as loving friends go? When I am told I am being prayed for my all these diverse groups I cannot help but to think at least someone has to be right!

The rain is beginning to trickle again and the cool air is causing my bones to ache. A train is rolling on off in the distance causing a beautiful rumble to echo off the lake. The train is blowing its’ horn which they never do at night or in the wee hours of the morning, meaning something is on the tracks, likely a deer or two. 

Staring out at the blackness of the night used to make me feel anxious. Maybe it’s my medication but now I look out at the darkness and I feel as though that darkness represents my life – dark, cold and scary, yet somehow familiar because it has been lingering over me and following me for so long. That dark hole allows me to realize how much I am edging the brink of insanity and how easy it would be for me to just be sucked out completely into the unknown. Honestly, it is met with little resistance. Which is where the fear I am feeling seems to stem from.  

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