Saturday, March 3, 2012

Gone Too Soon

The pain of losing a child is insurmountable; you cannot describe the deep ache of a hole that is left in every fiber of your being. At times you feel like your inhaling water because not only are you drowning but you can’t breathe deep enough to get enough air.

You wonder why?

You scream at a god that you may never have even believed in until that moment. You hate Him yet you beg for Him to accept your child into His peaceful grace. It is hard to not be angry. Angry with yourself, with everyone around you and with whatever entity took your child home.

I am not sure if it is a blessing or a curse that my babies were taken from me long before they were ever born. I never got to meet them. I never got to hold them, look into their eyes and greet their soul. All of those moments were stolen from me. I never got a first cry or even a final resting place for my children. Being miscarried they weren’t even considered to be “human” in the eyes of the government.

If they were never human then why was my life so deeply changed by each and every one of them? I have to believe that someone placed them inside of me, allowed me to feel their flutters, hear their heartbeats and even see them on ultrasound for a reason other than to teach me another lesson in pain.

I have experienced loss after loss after loss in my short amount of time here on earth. No seven year old should lose their best friend to murder. No nine year old should lose their new best friend to an aneurysm. No nine year old should lose their cousin to suicide in the back yard in which we played!

It seems as though I have known the pain of loss before I ever learned the joy of life, leaving me a tortured soul full of holes and scars both inside and out. I have watched more children and young people buried then I have the elderly. Every week the obituaries show another person I knew or know. My death list grows longer by the day. Why?

I am not really sure what I wanted to get out of writing this today because really there are no words to describe such traumatic events. There is no solace whether your child was taken before or after their lungs filled with air.

The only thing I can really say is that our children live on through us. Through the love we have for them. The memories that we have, no matter how short or long we were able to create those memories for. I have to trust that I am a better person because of my Angels and that this wasn’t all fruitless.

Rest in Peace my Angels.

People taken too soon:


Rest in peace each of you and those whose names I cannot remember offhand, unfortunately too many young kids and infants are lost far too soon.

I post this with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes.

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