Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Please Forgive Me

“Please forgive me, I can’t stop loving you, don’t deny me, this pain I’m going through, please forgive me” –Bryan Adams

This song is resonating with me today, among many other quotes but this one seems to be the one that stands out the most. Wish I could understand why one day my mind, body and soul are drawn to a certain song or lyric and the next day I don’t want to ever hear it again.

I feel like today I should be asking for forgiveness. Not sure to whom, but I feel so much guilt within the anguish that has come to create my overall being. I look at each of my scars and I remember the pain that each represents, the time of year it was placed there and the memory of what that scar mourns.

Today I was talking about my miscarriages to a friend and now that we aren’t talking about it I realize just how heavily it weighs on me when I talk about them. It’s hard to believe my little girl would be 5 already end of April early May. It’s even harder to believe that my oldest would be about 13 already, had I not miscarried. It’s weird to think that I have 7 children and of those seven I have two on earth and 5 in the heavens caring for and loving one another. The oldest and the youngest both have darker hair then the others. My kids know about the last loss, but they don’t know about all of the others. Sometimes it’s all I can do to not just express to my kids that they have many siblings, but then I realize that they were too young and don’t remember it and that for now its likely best to not bombard them with something I find extremely emotional to begin with.

I often dream of my girls in heaven, I see them playing, aging. Although the oldest seems to have stopped aging now like she is destined to have the innocence and look of a child forever. I don’t know how the heavens work, maybe it’s a choice she has made, or maybe it’s just how she manifests to me –as a child who will always need me. 

I guess the thing that allows me to move forward with this weight is that I know my angels are each safe. They never had to experience the pains of this world. Instead they have been blessed with eternal purity and unconditional love. 

I often feel so much guilt for losing them, as though it was my fault. Somehow I move forward though, even when I don’t want to. Maybe I stay here because a force bigger than myself wants me to or maybe it’s because deep down I don’t really want to leave. 

I am slowly adapting to having my empathic abilities basically shut off. I have been having more vivid dreams which are allowing me to at least wander to the outer realms and see and speak to the dead. Also some ghosts are coming in and what not but it is weird to be alone with my own thoughts for the most part. 

That’s the worse part, being alone with my own thoughts.

It’s different to say the least knowing that what you are thinking is actually what you are thinking, not what some spirit or entity is sending you. It’s weird to know that it’s all me. 

I went to buy bacon today and I couldn’t bring myself to do it. After finding out that pigs are the number one consumer of fish (to fatten then up) I am totally turned off even though the craving is there. I wish so badly that I had never found that out. Then again I am happy to know the truth about what my food is eating. It makes me sad that things are hidden from us. I have never eaten fish in my life. I am against it, yet here I find out bacon or pork in general has been feeding me something I am against. –Big sigh-


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