Survivor

"You've got what it takes but it hurts" –me

As I sit here staring at this blank page I wonder if the quote I put above really holds true. Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am yet I feel so weak. I have been told many times in the recent past that I am a survivor and that I will get through this. The question I pose is “who says I want to?” Quite optimistic of me, I know. 

The fact is I am a survivor, I keep fighting to survive and I always do. The scary part is knowing that I am trapped in this hell for an unknown amount of time and not knowing whether things will ever get any better than they are today, or yesterday or the weeks and years before. If this is my life, maybe I don’t want it. Maybe I don’t want to feel every negative feeling. Maybe I don’t want to live through tragedy after tragedy. 

I have talked to elderly people and they say that the worse part of growing old is that everyone you know is passing on and that you never really know when it will be your turn. You’re in constant mourning. Well if that’s what I have to look forward to then is it really something I want. To date I have lost 30 some people that I was close to at one point or another. Death came down and he swiped them away from me with little warning. How many people do most people lose in a lifetime? How can you always move forward knowing that your list of loved ones consistently grows shorter and shorter? 

I regret fighting to survive. I regret not allowing myself to be murdered. I wonder how many people have that regret. I bet the number is low, or admitting it is low anyway but I am not afraid to say I wish I wouldn’t have fought so hard to live. If I had known these feelings would haunt me all these years later I likely wouldn’t have fought. I survived but I don’t live. Attaching myself to people hurts in the end because one way or another they leave or they change into someone who they weren’t when you first began to love them. 

I guess maybe I do have what it takes to survive, but I also know it hurts. It hurts so deep down that you feel like you are drowning on your own tears. It crushes the air out of your lungs and you can’t even gasp for air.

I feel like I am being redundant in my posts and maybe I am but that’s because the feelings haven’t really changed. 

I was just listening to God Bless the Broken Road and the first verse grabbed my attention tonight. 

“I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you”

Now I know this song has to do about god paving the way to the one you love and in reality I guess I have to accept that some unseen force is setting me up for whatever the future holds, which is why I decided to post this first verse. It makes me ponder on the past in hopes that I will have learned and that the future will be brighter and full of love the way life was intended to be. We are each born with the right person being created for us somewhere else. It’s up to us to stumble upon the souls we are meant to connect with and to nurture those connections into life-long relationships. Whether its friend or more. It’s also a decision we need to make at some point in regards to our friends because we can’t necessarily choose who we love, but we can choose who we have in our life and by removing a person from your life doesn’t make that love any different. It just means your acting on an instinct of self-preservation. We all have had to make those choices, whether it was a conscious decision or one that was made for us by the powers around us.

Loss hurts. It sucks. Sometimes losing a loved one hurts even more when they are alive and you have no choice but to remove them from your life. Sometimes some of us just grow up faster than others and even though our souls are genuinely connected our lives no longer can intermingle. Our values change, our morals develop and we enter into a phase of life where we know who we are not, finding who we are is a whole other struggle, but in finding who you are not is a big step in the right direction in finding what or who you are. At least I hope that’s the case.

I have come to realize that not only am I against organized religion, but I am also not Christian the way I had thought over the last several years. Many things have changed in the what I am not category, but filling the who am I category is seemingly much harder. 

Parts of me sits in wait hoping that someone will pop up and say “this is who you are, this is what you will do and this is why” and leaves no room for question or debate. It’s perplexing how much I actually miss not having to think for myself. I still slip up and on occasion as if I can use the washroom, or get food, etc. It was beaten and trained into me to a point that I almost feel like I don’t have an identity without that slave collar. I know I am NOT a slave, yet I do miss the simplicity of not having to think for myself at times. I also miss someone wanting to know my every thought, no matter how pathetic or mundane. I even miss, on occasion, being punished for things I have thought or done. I guess I crave that attention when I am at my lowest points. At least in those moments of being beaten I knew I was the focus. I was wanted, I was being trained, and I was the center of attention. I don’t like the attention I get now. I tend to shy away from it, partly in fear of being punished. I guess we can add confused to the who I am list, because that is one thing I definitely am.

I will never get into that kind of relationship again, but as I said in my last post, I know I need someone stronger than me, someone who challenges me and gives me meaning. I can’t be the one who makes the decisions and takes action that part of me was taken away a long time ago and through journaling and therapy I have come to realize that I need that strength so I can remain strong. I feed off of the emotions and demeanor of the people who surround me, so if you are weak I am weak; if you are strong I am strong. It’s interesting how I have come to grips with this reality, but I assume it is here to stay and I think I can be okay with that.