Up Hill Both Ways!

I guess I got through the anniversary relatively unscathed. I did suffer a bit of regression including talking in third person, being dissociative and having nightmares and a wandering mind. I thought about killing myself. I even had all of the stuff laid out ready but in the end I just couldn’t do it. Maybe I didn’t want to. I have been reckless with my life, to say the least and had I not had pneumonia the result likely wouldn’t have been the same. 

Today, the 20th, I woke to vivid dreams, again. I later had a nap and had a vivid nightmare. The internet is not working well and there is a big winter storm going on so for whatever reason I decided I should try and go out in it. The car struggled big time to make the hill, but I did make it, spinning the entire way up with little to no control over where the car was actually going. I was thinking I should go into town and to the cemetery. When I got to the highway, there was a pulp truck with his load on jack-knifed into the ditch instead of making the corner turning onto the road that leads to the mill. I figured at that point that maybe I should turn around, easier said than done with little visibility and unplowed roads with about a foot of fresh unplowed snow, but I managed, which is amazing since my backing up skills are just as good as my math skills!

I was able to make it back up the hill (yes uphill both ways does in fact exist). The hard part was getting back down the steep hill that I had spun all the way up. I had to go turtle slow, and still struggled to keep my car going where I wanted it to. I got back into the yard and got stuck twice while trying to park the car in a decent place so that when Clayton (my generous neighbour) decides to plow tomorrow that I am out of the way. He often plows before I get up and it is a wonderful surprise to see it already done. Which is great as it leaves me with the ability to just shovel around the car, brush it off and go. He has been very generous in his time and money to keep my yard cleared for me without me ever even asking him. Maybe it’s a case of “boys with their toys”. 

So, today aside from nightmares and feeling extremely isolated and alone because of my dreams and because of my internet I guess I am doing okay. My anxiety is peaked because of that lonely feeling and my thoughts are making it even worse. That trapped feeling is not sitting well and as I type this that is exactly what I am –trapped. The phone line is so weighed down with snow it is into my shrub lines. I wouldn’t be surprised if I end up stranded with no phone or power tonight. This really would be detrimental.

Tomorrow by the look of things will be a snow day for my dad and family. Hopefully I can manage to escape these walls and burn off this extra energy that is plaguing my brain.

I see the net is off again. Flashing blue lights that seem to be just as paralyzing to me as the click of a padlock. The loneliness and the torture are quite similar feeling in my heart and gut. It’s weird how a sound or a signal can have such an adverse effect on my overall well-being.

Life is hard.

I often wonder how long it will be before things begin to get better for me, or if they will get better at all. I am so drained both mentally and physically from all the emotional build up and from being sick that it would be nice to come down and just be me for a while before the next great build up.

My birthday has already been brought up though and I am dreading it (as I do every year). I didn’t like it being brought up; I didn’t like the mention of a surprise. I hate my birthday, as I do all times of the year where there is an expectation of gifts or money. You would think that because it is your birthday people would respect that you don’t have a desire to celebrate it, but instead they go all out trying to make you feel better. If only people would listen they would realize that no acknowledgement at all would be my ideal gift. ***big sigh***

I guess I am done blabbing on for today. Got a little bit of everything off my chest even though there is a whole lot more playing games inside. Maybe one day I will have the courage to express everything I have experienced and why I am so easily triggered, but that’s been a long time in the making and it has been much easier to hold up that shield and protect myself from the outside in and the inside out.