Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Not Afraid to Admit What I Need

Today, I am lonely. More than I have been in a few months. It’s very strange to realize how dependant you become one someone’s actual presence verses just their spiritual one. Not to say that physical presence is actually real because it is over the computer but it was definitely missed today. 

My mind was left to wonder who was where and why. I didn’t blame myself though, but it was very weird to depend only on myself for the first time in quite a while. Yes I know I should be doing that regardless of people in my life or not but that’s easier said than done. Plus, aren’t we all here looking for companionship and that desire that seems to have disappeared as careers and education got in the way? 

I am not afraid to admit that I do in fact need the strength of a man in my life, the context doesn’t matter, just the existence of a man who is stronger than me and who can talk me down and cheer me up whether I like it or not. Someone whose mind is more intense than my own leaving me eager for more and never completely fulfilled because the story isn’t over. Does this person need to be a lover? No. Yet, somehow they win my heart regardless not because they love me but because they respect me and they teach me and I am eager to listen and learn, even when I fight and argue. I honestly believe that we really need someone in our lives whether it’s a friend, or a lover, who we can depend on and who we can reciprocate those things with. I don’t believe that men and woman are equal but I do believe we are equally important to the success and to the failures that occur in our lives. Maybe I don’t need a man, or anyone, to be happy, but the fact is I want one to share my life with, the good and the bad. 

When I first moved here I remember people asking me how I (a girl) could live alone in the middle of nowhere without being scared, I always kindly replied with “how can a person feel safe living in town with a hundred strangers walking by each day?” There is no traffic out here, when there is I know why and for the most part who. I feel safe in my hiding place down in the valley. Well, as safe as one who is terrified of being kidnapped and killed can feel.

It’s amazing to me that in ten days it will have been seven years since I was nearly killed. It wouldn’t bother me so much if I hadn’t been triggered at Christmas or had flipped my world upside down over the last few months. It is hard to believe I am saying and doing things that back in November I never would have imagined would be once again part of my life. Only this time I am older, I am wiser, I am more intelligent and therefore more willing to study and learn instead of just making a proclamation and reading bits and pieces of a book or two. This time I know it is who I am and what I want and I am willing to understand and learn the boring stuff so that the more fun interesting stuff will be respected properly. Not like when I was a kid and playing games with these religions. I learned enough about Wicca to realize that my head and heart should be there and not playing games with a god that I don’t believe in, who offers no answers except to have faith.

What is faith anyway?

I have pushed a lot of people away in the recent months because of their lack of strength and self-esteem bringing me down. Heck, not even the lack, but the unwillingness to take steps in bettering themselves. Who wants to talk to a brick wall all day? I sure don’t. Although I continue to love each person whom I have had to walk away from I love each of them unconditionally and only had to stop conversing because it was becoming damaging to my own health, giving me anxiety, making me absorb things that I wasn’t sure of. So many people came to me and found me because I was a Christian and they expected me to have all the answers. Now that I have denounced god those same people act like I betrayed them because I don’t believe in god anymore. Maybe I never did but that proclamation changed everything with many people, like my advice and my assistance is no longer wanted because god isn’t my backing.

Not too much makes sense to me right now.

It is hard to figure out the truth about who I am because I really have no clue where to start. All those people who left me, or who I left have been replaced by people who are understanding and from many different faiths.

I am confused.

I am tired.

Most of all, I am me! 

As I walk along this path and take this journey I know people will come in and out of my life and that each one of them will in some way change my view on things forever. Each opportunity to communicate is an opportunity to learn and therefore better myself so I can be the best person I can be.

I am almost 27 years old (yikes) and I really haven’t accomplished much if you decide to do a timeline of my life. So many people who are younger than me have the credentials and the jobs and all the stuff I had expected, but I guess in a way I have more than all of them combined because I have knowledge, I have life experience. That isn’t anything you can buy, no matter how much you’re willing to pay.

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