Saturday, February 18, 2012
For the first time in my life I am expressing things in an unemotional and point of fact manner on how I was trained and taught and degraded. I don’t know if this is a good idea or not, but it felt great last night to finally be able to express these truths to someone who wasn’t looking to judge me or pull me away. With his permission and some grammar and spell check editing, as well as his privacy in mind I have decided to post the more intense part of our conversation for all to see. I warn you ahead of time, that this depicts how I was trained and tortured with little emotion. It is fact. It may be difficult for some to read and others may blame me and wonder how I got into this in the first place. If I knew how or why I wouldn’t have fallen victim the way I did. BDSM can be a wonderful fulfilling way to enjoy one another when it is practiced in a safe, sane and consensual way, but when forced upon you the way it was me, it can be the hell you most fear. I was forced to live my life for several years with these basics. I haven’t gone into specific punishments or tortures or anything else because it is embarrassing and humiliating, to say the least. If you know me well you have likely heard several of those stories anyway.
Anyway, this is the basic concept of the life I was forced to live for all those years. I have spent much time trying to figure out the how and why behind the things I underwent and I can’t find an answer to why anyone would force someone into this life, especially when there seems to be an abundance of willing participants. If you are angered easily by the victimization of women you likely shouldn’t read further.
Today is the anniversary of my escape, which is what prompted this conversation in the first place.
dave: training for what?
meanddoxie: speaking, not speaking, positions, sex, enslavement
dealing with panic and fear, pain, bondage, punishment... punishments from
him were very cruel, he knows what he is doing
meanddoxie: it was him who decided that stripping of the name would be useful, because it wasn’t earned
meanddoxie: when I used to present myself to him. Hell his girl now prob still does it cause he is military trained and strict... so when I used to present to him (present is when you stand naked, legs shoulder width apart, fingers laced behind your head, your lips not fully closed and your eyes cast down.) one you assume the "present" or "inspect" position he would have me say "this is m, Your slave.." then I would have to say what I was wearing or not wearing, how I was feeling or not feeling etc., as part of the presentation... at which time I would be inspected for marks, signs of
playing with myself, hygiene, etc....
meanddoxie: at that point I was to report any illness I was experiencing or discomfort (from bondage, pregnancy, etc) and then ask permission to have those things changed or altered if I thought they should be, if he didn’t they were not.
meanddoxie: At the end of a day you would kneel at the end of the bed, or wherever your Master told you to, and I would have to keep my legs spread slightly (you have to always be accessible) and then I would have to confess all of my transgressions that day and accept punishment for any misdoings.
meanddoxie: after being punished you have to thank your Master for correcting you... the Master , who helped train me, required that after every single slap or whip across my flesh that I would say count it out so "one sir thank you sir. two sir thank you sir" and if I took too long to say it or lost count, the numbers started again
dave: that’s sick
meanddoxie: I don’t have post-traumatic stress for nothing.... although I think this is the first time I have ever actually went into detail about living life forced into sex slavery...
dave: why tell me then? good therapy to talk about it?
meanddoxie: guess I needed to talk about it, you are the safest to tell...
dave: I’m honoured I guess.... why am I "safe" to talk to?
meanddoxie: when kneeling, especially at first, if I complained or asked to switch positions because it HURTS they would put a tray of uncooked rice down for me to kneel on instead, so that I would think twice before complaining about kneeling without it...
meanddoxie: because I know how mean you can get and I can trust that. I don’t know how mean other people can get. plus, I have talked to you in depth about stuff more than anyone, I trust you with this stuff, and that you won’t judge me or hate me or try to take me over because of it
dave: I’m listening
dave: for once
meanddoxie: anything you wanna know?
meanddoxie: or any questions?
dave: you're very clear, what questions could I have?
meanddoxie: it’s a life I doubt you ever heard much of, thought you may have some is all...
meanddoxie: when you first enter into this shit they force you to sign a contract, which lists everything from expectations, punishment, timing, schedules, etc., then it says at the bottom that all of the above is subject to change at the will of your Master... they can starve you, they can sleep deprive you, they can force feed you, they can make you pee on the floor and lick it up.. they have control... and they have your name signed on a contract saying so, to humiliate you if you try to get away
dave: why would someone willingly get into that kind of relationship?
meanddoxie: lots of people want it; surprisingly... it’s called TPE-total power exchange. Lots of people are naturally submissive and they thrive off of not having to deal with the chaos of everyday life because they know that stuff is in their Master's hands and all they have to do is satisfy him. Only, when I signed my name I was tied up and being whipped, forced to sign, they aren’t legally binding, but they fuck you up psychologically
meanddoxie: lots of men are deciding to become slaves to their wives, and in reality, if its SSC then fine, great, you’re not breaking any laws, but when you lose the SSC you are breaking about 15 laws
dave: signed sealed contract?
meanddoxie: safe sane consensual
If you or anyone you know are victims of domestic abuse/violence or you suspect may be, call your local womans shelter for more information. Prompt the person to get assistance. I was almost killed, I am someones daughter, mother and sister. It can and does happen to anyone, no one is exempt. Although my case may be more intense than most, being victimized in any way is against the law. Please call your local authorities, 911, attend the hospital and tell them you were assaulted or go to the womens shelter. You are not alone!