Locked

I feel like I am locked up tightly, rattling my own cage and begging to be freed from the prison that holds me safely within its grip. I have no idea why I have this sudden desire to be given that freedom back. I know that I will likely be attacked but I really don’t care today. I just want to be left alone, completely and utterly alone, possibly because I am feeling reckless and alone emotionally and I want the outside to feel the same as the inside.

Things are just crazy in my head today; they have been for a few days really. The anger and the rage I am feeling inside isn’t my own yet I feel devastated by it just the same, maybe because I don’t know where it is coming from.

I have been so drained by the small things that the big things are overwhelming me even further. Just seems like things are trying to stop me from experiencing those moments of freedom that I so desperately want and need. 

I feel watched. 

By whom or what I am not sure, it’s just a feeling but it causes gooseflesh to rise on my body from my toes to my head. I am feeling even more sensitive right now then I have in a while. Also more vulnerable and angry then I normally am. 

I have had a rough week. I have had a friendship completely fall apart because of someone’s idea of what my life should be like. I felt like I was being sucked into the cult like world that I so desperately escaped. I felt like I was being pulled into the insanity of my old life and maybe I was. I believe that my ex and this person were working together, a part of the same group, and were trying to brainwash me into coming back.

I was scared.

I ended the conversations with this person and blocked him from every angle I could think of. For some reason I feel guilty though, like it’s me who brings out the crazy in these people, or like I deserve it. I suppose in a lot of ways I have never fully healed, in a lot of ways I never healed at all. I just threw a bandage of two over top of the wounds and went on with life trying to avoid the past. Now the bandages are removed and the wounds are open, raw and bloody. I often wonder how many more scars I can receive before my body gives up and says enough is enough, or before my mind heals enough that this stuff quits with the seeping poisons leaving me.

I would love to write something slightly more profound but nothing comes to mind right now. I am sad, depressed, and angry and I don’t really have excuses for any of it. I just want to sleep and if I wake up then I wake up, if I don’t I don’t. I don’t understand how I can go from feeling okay to feeling so horrible so quickly.

Most of all I am lonely. I am starving for human touch, human love and attention. I want so badly to be wanted, so badly to be needed. I want someone to stroke my flesh and their energy cause chills to run through my entire being. I want my soul to connect to someone and become one, the way our bodies do when we make love.

I think I live in a fairy tale.

Does love like this even exist in todays’ world? I highly doubt it. Too many divorces for that kind of deep profound, unconditional love to exist in any meaningful capacity, as humans we have strayed so far from the plan of “perfect love” for our lives that most of us fail to experience true love and when we do we ruin it because society allows for it.

Coming full circle I realize that the cage that surrounds me isn’t just one I have put up. It’s been put up several times by different people, from my past and from my present, both with completely different intent.

I am trapped in a globe surrounded by both good and evil. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to escape. I want to disappear. 

Tomorrow I will be right back here where I have started. 

Locked within the confines of my own mind.