Friday, February 3, 2012

Finding Freedom

I’ve been having a rough go the last couple of days and I think it is starting to worry people who I never expected could or would worry. Melancholy and depression seem to be the moods of choice the last few days maybe because my period is due and I am just generally bitchy or maybe it’s the pain that floods over my body in stabbing waves as I contract bruised muscles in order to move. You really don’t understand how much back pain affects your entire life until you are stuck in bed with toes that hurt to wiggle because of the swelling and bruising. I am mentally and physically exhausted because of the pain in my body. I try to move while I sleep and am jolted awake by angered nerves. The entire situation is making me feel dependant and therefore frustrated because I don’t feel like me. I don’t have the physical freedom I am used to having. 

Topping all of that off brain is also reacting adversely to the upcoming anniversary of my escape as well as to my birthday in less than a month. I hate birthdays and Christmas and any gift giving celebrations. They feel wrong to me, especially as an adult; although I don’t recall ever enjoying a birthday and I am sure if you asked my parents they would most definitely agree. 

The anniversary is giving me bad dreams. Some that are flashbacks and some that are just manifestations of my mind and the anxiety it is trying to cope with and categorize while I sleep. 

I have questioned my sanity several hundred times over the last week. I am assured I am fine that it is paranormal stuff that a doctor can’t deal with. I’m beginning to have my doubts, which makes me feel guilty because I also don’t feel as though I am being lied to. What is going on with me seems to be a product of the timing. I have sickened myself with these dreadful thoughts and memories and because of that I have not only made my immune system less able to keep me healthy but I have opened a door to any and all negative energy that wants at me and I am being attacked. 

I understand this. Yet I am still frustrated and am having this “why me” attitude. I need to smarten up and snap out of this soon. Scaring myself and making me question my sanity are actually good things in the aspect that insanity is not recognized by the person who is suffering from an illness. This is supposed to be reassuring but it doesn’t seem to quash those feelings of being utterly irrational. Then again, if you had bruises popping up on your body at random intervals and were depressed, losing time, acting weird during that lost time and then coming back to earth with no memory of any of it, wouldn’t you be a little freaked out too?

Those hands that I have mentioned so many times since I started this blog are now encouraging me to seek the help of a professional paranormal expert, but in all honesty I find this shameful and just want to keep it between whoever reads this, he and myself. I trust him and that makes me feel almost guilty because I don’t want to reach out and ask anyone else for help. I want to wait. He is the first person in my life who would know me and my moods better than I do and I find solace in that fact. He makes me feel grounded and when I am not grounded he knows exactly what to say to drop me back onto the ground where I should be, instead of up in the clouds with worry and pain. It is nice to know someone who understands what I am telling him and doesn’t judge (or seem to judge) anything I am feeling or saying. I am probably becoming frustrating for him though because if I am annoying myself it must take a saint to be tolerating these irrational antics without an adverse response. 

So, I am still lost. I am still wondering who I am. I am exhausted and I am hoping that things will revert back to normal, whatever normal is. I am lonely yet surrounded by love, pure source energy, white light and prayers. I think I am just a victim of being emotionally overwhelmed and triggered and that it will all end in the near future. In the meantime, I likely won’t be as rational as I normally am. I don’t have the energy. I am tired. I am in pain and generally I am weak. I need to rest, both mentally and physically, so I can gain strength and not allow whatever is eating at me to win. I have never lost a battle before and with the help of my support team, I have no fear that I will lose now. 

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