Tuesday, January 31, 2012


“In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees”

Staring out at old jack pine’s that are too tall to see the top of without actually sticking my head out the window and instead of just enjoying their infinite beauty I am wondering how much last nights snow weighs while dangling on their branches. Funny how these branches seem “scary” to climb yet they are likely holding hundreds of pounds of snow and ice without the slightest break, implying that yes, my child would likely be safe to climb on up. 

When I was younger, a young boy about the age of my kids now went out to their tree fort and he hung himself. No one knows why, or if it was even on purpose. The ravens went to their yard and stayed for over a year. I am not sure if its Native tradition or just a local Native myth, but we were taught growing up that when Ravens went to where a Native person died and stayed it was because they were protecting the persons soul because they died before their time. Ravens have a lot of power in our small community and you will often see them in a large grouping before a death, as if they already knew and were waiting to guide that soul right. 

When I was in grade 2 my best friend was murdered, yes I say murdered and if you are a family member who is reading this I probably just threw you back about 100 feet but it’s the truth. William was murdered, he was my best friend. He was my first love and my first loss and not a day goes by that I don’t think of him. So much so that I have always intended to name one of my children after him, he was a baby, he was only 6-7 years old and because someone didn’t like his hyper-activity he was killed.

I learned that year that there is no justice for the victim who can no longer speak, that the criminals have more rights than anyone. I learned that year that life ends in the blink of an eye. I learned that no one can be trusted and that if you love, it WILL hurt at some point. 

I will never forget the morning while I was waiting for his school bus so we could get to playing and our friend Becky come off the school bus and I asked where William was, they lived in the trailer park, and she excitedly told me about the early morning commotion and that my dear friend was dead. She obviously had no concept of death. I often wonder if she remembers that day the way I do.

The pain I felt in my chest as I tried to deny that it was him. The pain I still feel when I am picturing his face and wondering what kind of man he would have grown to be. His life was stolen and in those moments, parts of me were as well. I can’t remember for sure but I believe the date was September 26th. I have his obituary around here somewhere. Over the years I realized that just because you’re guilty doesn’t mean you will go to jail, and just because you’re innocent doesn’t mean you will stay free. It’s all about presentation.

The following year, end of grade 3, my cousin Todd decided to take the flying leap and end his life. By this time I had experienced several more tragic deaths so by the time Todd went I was actually happy for him. He escaped the pain and torment of this world on his terms. He was missing for three days. The day they found his body was the day he died, his stomach contents consisted of nothing. Where was he for those three days? Someone out there knows and isn’t talking, maybe to protect themselves, or maybe to protect Todd from further humiliation that the family seems so keen to give.

I was sitting on the window ledge at school doing a puzzle and watching the boys draw when there was a knock on the door. My teacher was Mrs. Sparkman. She opened the door and went out into the hall, she reappeared with a solemn look on her face and I knew he was dead. I gathered my stuff and went home with my dad.

I never cried until the funeral.

My grandma brought me so I sat fairly far in the back and I was doing great, I felt dead inside, I had since William died. Seeing the tears roll down my grandmas face hurt me more than knowing my cousin, who was like a brother, was no more. His death, his casket, his headstone, they bring me peace and I often find myself there at my darkest hours. I have placed a solar light on his grave so that he can find his way into the light and into the arms of our creator.

Todd’s death was the second death I had predicted and had given a timeline on. I was right in both cases, unfortunately. I have predicted so many deaths since then, so many tragedies. It hurts to breathe at times because the weight of the world crushes me down. I feel so much guilt like I didn’t make a prediction but rather killed them with the prediction. I have felt for years that so many people on my death list are my fault because I uttered the words or thought them or saw it with my own two eyes in the form of a dream.

The darkness I once feared is now the same place I feel most alive. The house wakes up with activity as the sun sets and twilight changes the sky to shadows of black and grey. 

I still dream of death and I am about 97% accurate. When death finally arrives I get confirmation in the form of orb like black shadows darting about the house. I have come to call them “the shadows of death”. Whenever they are present I know the phone will ring and another person I had once loved but had hardened to was gone for good.

I no longer fear death. I no longer believe that death isn’t fair. From the moment we are conceived our cells are dividing with the goal of death in mind. When our physical body finally goes we, for the first time, have a freedom that we didn’t have while trapped in our shells.

I go to funerals. I see the dead and you can tell that it is just a body. It isn’t the person you knew, that person left the body and is now a purely spiritual being until which time it decides it needs to come back in human form. I rejoice in their new found freedom. I rejoice that the hurt of this world no longer can touch them. I am happy because they are happy. 

It’s like me and thatspirit have a secret that we likely shouldn’t tell.

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