Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Who Am I?

I feel so pathetic right now, my body is in pain. Feels like every muscle simultaneously contracted and stayed that way for a period of time. I am desperately lonely in my own thoughts. Listening to music that reminds me of so much pain, yet brings back a part of my life that I mourn and even miss at times. Over the last few days I have concluded a couple of things. The first and most important being that I don’t miss my ex, I don’t miss that life. I miss feeling as though the life I have has purpose or meaning and that is what I am struggling with. Where the internal battle ensues. I miss being needed, I miss being wanted, I miss being someone, because right now I am nobody, I am nothing, I am merely a carbon mass full of negative energy. 

Over the last year or so I have asked myself many times “Who am I?” I keep asking this question and I keep hearing the voice in the back of my head telling me “I don’t know”. I get asked on dates and stuff and people ask me what I like to do, “I don’t know”. I am asked where I would like to live or what I would like to do with my life and “I don’t know”. At one point in the recent past I could at least tell people who I wasn’t but over the last month or so that has changed. My belief in god has changed, my will has changed, my desires. I don’t recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I don’t recognize myself when I look at pictures of me from before. I was happy, my eyes used to shine bright with the future in sight. Now, my eyes show that me and my soul are desperately detached from one another, much like the beginning of the Peter Pan movie where he is trying to sew his shadow back on. That’s who I am, only it’s not my shadow, it’s my spirit that has left me, that I am trying to reattach to no avail. My eyes are empty, they show pain, they show age, they show fear, loss, even anger and rage, but the glisten that hope once brought to my demeanor is gone, replaced by whoever it is that I have become. 

My life seems to be represented by the candle I have burning next to me right now. The light it gives off is useless. The flame is small and instead of glowing in a fury of fiery passion it is a shade of blue, just like the way I feel onside. Unhealthy, dim, blue. 

I haven’t realized why I started to blog this journal yet. I have noticed that my stats are pretty high from the three posts I have posted thus far, this being the forth. I wonder if me in the raw is what is attracting people from several different countries to read my poorly written, grammatically incorrect thoughts or if it is that people actually relate to how I am feeling. I am not sure which one is worse. I hate to think that people are relating to the emotional anguish I am in. It is somehow more comforting to believe that it is me alone in this world going through these thoughts and stuff instead of having people who can relate. Anyone who has ever been this sad, this desperate, this unloved I truly feel for. It is a god-awful feeling that I am trying to express, but in reality no words can ever show you the pain behind my smile. No one should be forced to feel the way I feel, or to have lived a life similar to my own. 

Who am I?

I am nobody
Are you nobody too?

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