Saturday, January 28, 2012


I suppose that the big question I have in all of this is why are some people picked out by spirits of all kinds. Why do dead people appear to me in my home, why does evil hunt ME down, why can I see and feel things that other people can’t? I feel like the “Ghost Whisperer” except I don’t have a million people helping me nor do I have the ability to go find family and friends of these spirits to tell them that their loved ones are dead. It is hard enough to tell a scared and confused spirit that no one can see it because he is dead. Have you ever had to tell someone they are dead? 

So many things leave me feeling excruciatingly melancholy if not completely depressed, unfortunately souls that aren’t frightened or trapped are few and far between so happiness doesn’t flood through the house all too often. Almost daily the cupboard doors, the clock and the wall mounted smoke alarm are opened as wide as they go. Heads of the angels have been snapped off and the dogs have been driven nuts. The words “we all go a little crazy sometimes” flood my mind leaving me wondering if all the teetering on the edge of sanity finally resulted into a full on fall into being crazy. Can one be driven mad because of activity?

I am playing KD Lang’s cover of Hallelujah over and over as I type this. I never find solace in these songs; more heart ache and heart break than anything. Like when Jesus on the cross says “my god why have you forsaken me?” I feel much the same. I feel abandoned, forgotten, and alone. To be honest I really don’t understand the meaning of this song, it could be considered spiritual but when you listen to the lyrics I come to the conclusion that it’s a love song with devastation, obsession and finally tragedy. That said, you have to have all of the lyrics which I have a copy of, and about half are left out of most versions of this song. 

My will to do anything has been crushed. I don’t feel like even being awake. I would love to just sleep this day away but the trippy dreams and the pain I am in physically keeps waking me up. It is weird to be asleep and up and about doing stuff only to see your body lying there empty.

I was sleeping earlier today and out of body and I was talking to my grandma about something and I can’t remember what. It was important though. She doesn’t come as often now that she has crossed over and when she does it’s for a reason. One that I am hoping will come back later on when I was sleeping because I am sure it was important. She has told me everything from when I am pregnant to finding a skeleton key and what it’s for. She has shown me secret holes in the wall to hide or store things in. Her relationship with me now that it is in the spiritual realm is always interesting, yet I always wake up sad because my heart breaks each time I have to say goodbye to her. I refused to say good bye while she was on her death bed. Everyone urged me to do it and when I knew she wasn’t there anymore I told her to go that I would be okay. 

I am NOT okay. She helped in raising me. She was like a mother to me and I have never actually sat back and allowed myself to grieve. I live surrounded by her things in the house she built with her own two hands and even though it’s a horrible house I stay here because it was and will always be hers. Her energy lives on in every nail, every screw. It’s odd to think that you can be tied to something or somewhere through the energy you had while you were alive. It’s even weirder to sit next to a living breathing body that’s soul has already vacated. You know they are dead but you have hope that they will come back. You wonder if they are staring down at you and watching their body hoping for release from the perpetual turmoil we call life or if they have already moved on and are living it up in paradise. I can answer this about my grandma though, she never left, she exited her body and stayed on earth for about 6 years before she decided to reveal to me that she was going to cross over. I never saw a light so beautiful or felt such piece. When I tried to step into the light along with her it closed up and threw me back. I woke myself sobbing not because she was gone, but because I wasn’t.

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