Confused

I started this blog for the intent of using it as a chat for a group of friends. However, I failed that fairly miserably. Mostly because I have been pushing people away a LOT lately and shutting myself down emotionally.

The paranormal things going on in my life these days are really intense and the emotional drain I have been feeling because of this is even worse. I am crashing and I am crashing FAST. I don't know how to brace myself for the inevitable impact that is going to come when I hit bottom. Maybe I already have.

Taking in vital energy from the environment around me is also becoming hard work. I have been so tempted to "give up" and let whatever this wave of pain and emotion is to take over. At the same time I am frusterated by my inability to act and to prevent this slip. Lonliness seems to have become my only companion these days, which I am fine with. I have been tempted to light a candle so that my soul has a light to attract it to. The heat and light that this candle's flame giving off either sucking away whats left of my grasp on my own soul, or it bringing positive energy into the room and allowing me to heal emotionally, which for the record, I am terrified to do.

The past month has been especially hard for me this year. I am never into the holidays. They bring me down. I associate them with death. This year however I am struggling even more with the anniversary of the day I escaped my past coming up. It will be seven years that I have been dealing with this stuff and for a reason that only god knows, I am allowing it to take over my thoughts, my dreams, and my fears. Leaving me paralyzed both physically and mentally as I am filled more and more each day with dread.

In the past I was forced to journal everyday about my every emotion, thought and doing. Part of me feels like I am being sucked back into that world, where not even my most hidden secret belongs to me, and I honestly feel comforted by that thought. I don't know or understand how people who were in a situation like mine can just turn the page and write a new story. My story is far fom being page turning. Just when I think i am "free" I am jolted back into the world I escaped through memories and dreams.

Journally, is good for me though. The Master who decided I should do that so many years ago was right in saying it was something I should do. It makes me raw, it keeps me feeling alive even when I want nothing more than to be dead just to make that pain go away. Is it hard to admit that your captor was right? Hell yes!! I have kept private journals since I escaped. Ones that fill binders and notebooks with art, poetry, and just random ramblings such as this. Some of which I will likely share, especially many of my favorite quotes. My quote list continues to grow.

Right now if I had to list three things I am grateful for I would have to say my name. I am Marisa. Not an abreviated form, not a vulgar term, but Marisa. M A R I S A. I have my name back now, and no matter what anyone says or does it is MY name and I am happy to be allowed to utter it and I am even more happy to have people use it when talking to me. Secondly, I would have to say I am thankful for a good friend. When I was thinking stupid about this stuff the other day I got a smack in the face (in chat) when he said "Do you want to end up kidnapped again for the next five years?". I realized in that moment that if I was to do what I was thinking that being taken again would really be the only outcome. Third, I am happy that I have these people around me who not only believe my life story but who are willing to step up and keep me on track when I want nothing more than to roll over and let death take hold. Without these people I wouldn't be alive.

Maybe I am not as confused as this post title suggests. I do feel as though I am wandering aimlessly waiting to be pointed in the right direction. I have never been "free" and after 7 years I am finally realizing that I am free and have been for some time. I am overwhelmed by this realization because NOT having someone dictating the when's and if's in life is scary. I have to make decisions for myself and I have never had to do that before. Simple things from choosing a chair, what to eat, those are decisions I get to make now. With the return of my name also comes responsibility and I really am not sure if I am ready for that.

One of these days I am sure I will figure it out. One of these days I will hopefully be married and not have the weight of my own life resting on my own shoulders all the time. It is must easier to walk side by side, hand in hand with someone who you know has your best interest at heart than it is to walk alone without that trust in ones self we all so desperately need.