Hindered

I feel like I don’t really belong in a specific place right now or maybe it’s in a specific group. I am trying to get back to who I once was and I am struggling with it because I really can’t remember who that person was. I remember the things I was involved in but it honestly feels more like a dream than a reality that I once had. I guess I am more nostalgic about it than anything because I remember that feeling, that freedom I had, the power I held over myself and those around me. Now I struggle to recognize myself never mind experiencing the feelings of being truly alive with every nerve and cell in my body firing away and telling me that I am here, this is real. Oh how I miss that. 

I’ve decided that I am going to place a fairly large book order at the cost of about 250 dollars so that I can read about what I used to do and know so naturally. I want so badly to be living instead of just alive. I feel a great change coming my way over the next few months as I delve into my past and my future reveals itself to not only me, but to those who are close to me. I want to be Marisa again, not this shell of a person that co-exists in a world that I don’t belong. 

I am slowly but surely beginning to find myself in this mess that has become my life. Believe me, it’s a mess. It’s amazing how quickly your life can change when you finally get onto the right path. The struggles seem to dwindle away and things become normal –whatever normal is. Maybe my 250 dollars in books will help me to figure out what my normal is. I often wonder if anyone actually believes they are “normal” and if they do if they are crazy since crazy people always think they are sane? Whew, that was a lot of words.

We are about 2-3 weeks out from the anniversary of my freedom. My mom thinks I should party it up. I am just hoping to survive the next few weeks as the past continues to haunt me. I have gotten out of the house a few times the past week because I had to, not because I wanted to. I feel safer here and I feel like staying here as long as I can. Being locked away in my own house with my own stuff with my own thoughts where no one can get in or find me is a resolution to all of my problems whether people see it that way or not. I locked away myself from everyone and everything, including me in a sense. Hiding from my own reality, refusing to face the world beyond, why? 

Why can’t I move forward? How long does it take you to be ready? Why do I feel judged by those who are wanting to help me and hindered by my own actions?

Maybe I will never know the answers to these questions. I may just live my life always asking and never finding. That’s a scary thought to think, being old and grey and still suffering the immense pain that I have every day since I was 15 years old.

As I often say, we have two choices in life, live or die. I’m not sure which I chose. I have a feeling that the decision will be made for me at some point.