Saturday, February 25, 2012
I haven’t written in a few days. Been dealing with my own chaos as well as bad weather, poor internet connection and a person who I thought I was friends with showing his true colors as a backstabbing, manipulative liar. To say the least, I have been run through the ringer emotionally once again. Seems like I am always fighting to stay above water and the current is working just as hard to pull me under.
Why do crazy people seek me out and make me the object of their obsession?
I am not pretty, I am overweight and I am mostly bitchy, especially if you are a stranger. Is that really what attracts people? I guess the crazy ones it does. The last 48 hours have been very eventful in my eyes, which have unfortunately led to a lot of shed tears, a lot of terror, flashbacks and anxiety.
Having someone saying things about God using the exact same words as the man who held you for nearly five years against your will were very much unexpected. I never thought in a million years that I would see those words pop up on my screen yet there they were. The more I argued with them the more they were forced down my throat. I was told it was my choice yet I made my choice perfectly clear over and over and the “truth” was forced down my throat no matter what I said.
I was scared, too scared to hit the block button.
So, today I am crying and sad and allowing those fears to wash over me like waves. Wondering if my ex really is involved the way I now believe him to be. Seven years since I escaped and for the first time I am realizing that I am no freer than I was before I left. If anything, I am more confined and isolated now because I can’t and don’t trust anyone to be a part of my life.
The one person I do love and trust with every aspect of my being was accused of brainwashing me, of being a cult leader and of pulling me away from “god and the light”.
To clarify, I am not brainwashed by anyone right now. I was brainwashed when I was with my ex, I know the difference between being brainwashed and being cared for.
In all honesty, if this person was to brainwash me, I wouldn’t be overly angry. He would only ever do what’s best for me. I know that and I would never question his motive.
I assume that must hurt the radical who is after me trying to force me into his world because I never offered him my trust, devotion, dedication or even obedience. I never cared if my actions hurt him or made him happy.
The person attacked in my conversation receives my devotion, dedication and obedience (when I am asked something, and YES it is still my choice) because I choose to give of myself in ways I have never desired before. In exchange he is there for me, he sticks up for me, he makes me feel safe, and when I am too down to rationalize he can somehow manage to get in and allow me to see the truth in what he is saying.
Anyway, that is what has been going on the last few days. I am sure I will have more to say tomorrow or the next day. My mind is still in defence and panic mode. I need time to process and file what has went on so that I can actually comprehend everything that has transpired over the last few days.
On a happier note, the pneumonia I had seems to be almost completely gone, although I am still using inhalers. My back however is aching like crazy in the location that the bruises from a month ago had been. I hope I am not re-bruising, but that’s what it feels like.
I hope everyone who reads this is doing well. If you understand trauma I am sure you understand what I am talking about when it comes to the terror, triggers and general fear.
I’m going to bed now my friends!