Wednesday, April 25, 2012
I lay here with pain emanating throughout my body and I stare at the blue sky begin to darken as the sun slips down the horizon for another night of blackness. Tears stain my cheeks as I look out beyond the trees and wonder what if anything is looking back at me. I feel damned. I feel lost. I feel everything one could feel all at the same time.
I look up at the ceiling above me and count the knots in the pine again, you would think I would in the least have an estimate as to how many there were, but no, I find myself having to count them each and every time. I see the rows of nails and think of the hundreds of tiny nails holding the pine high above me and I wonder how she did it when she was dying and I can barely get up and don’t even have a diagnosis. I wonder if I will die the way she did, with cancer ravishing my body until it finally submits to the shadows of death that have always visited and were never for me. Will they look the same as they are carrying my soul to the other side as they do when I watch them take the souls of others?
I feel worthless today. I have even posed the question about retraining which we all know wouldn’t be a good idea. I just feel so not me, and I feel grounded when someone holds the reigns. I am already powerless over so much of my life. One would think that I would want to hold onto the little control I have but it’s quite the opposite. I feel like I am playing tug o’ war with myself and well that means I am always guaranteed to both win and lose. I need to be able to hand all this chaos over to the hands that carry me through and trust in them, trust in them to not break, not to drop me, not to hurt me. Trust those hands to keep me safe, healthy, content and even happy. My own hands don’t do any of that. Not for me anyway, not lately. I want to have nothing to do with me. Strangely, it’s just easier which allows me the freedom to relax rest and worry just a little less.
“ "You cry in pain when I spank you, yet your body betrays you letting me know your enjoyment," he breathed in her ear, her wetness only arousing him more. “