Monday, April 23, 2012
My mind is once again bouncing about in every which way. I am thinking a lot about the past and the future and wondering what the future will hold given the past. I wonder if I am going to end up in a relationship that entails some form of BDSM whether it is for the odd sex scene or if I will end up enslaved. Having been forced into the slave industry in the past I know it is weird that I miss it, or even wonder about what role that will have in the future. Obviously I don’t miss being kidnapped and raped or held for all that time. I do however find myself missing not having to make decisions. My anxiety peaks so easily and I find it so much easier to just say “here you decide”. I don’t ever want to be in a place where I have no choice, where my opinion isn’t respected or asked or even punished for giving, but I do miss the freedom that comes from not HAVING to make decisions.
Right now my health is up in the air. Cancer has been uttered and tests take forever. I have medications and naps and all kinds of stuff on my plate and I can’t keep track of any of it. I have really realized how much I enjoy being able to say “this is this” and me not having to put forth a second thought about those things.
Then there are the strange cars that have been following me, one trying to push me off the road, twice, into the lake only to speed off when I signalled to the police station, running into people who have been confirmed before as stalking me. And another who thought tailing me from a distance would work last night. I pulled over on a dark abandoned stretch of road enraged and I expected them to either go by me to intimate me, or to approach me and make their move. They didn’t expect me to pull over and they pulled over immediately as well, keeping their distance, as I sat there waiting for them to make a move they did a U turn and sped off in the direction in which we came.
Part of me feels like screaming out that if they want to take me and finish where they started then they should just fucking do it! Another part of me is just frustrated by the lack of balls they have, thinking that driving around and wasting their time to track me will get them anywhere. I have brought them on some many interesting road maps leading them to absolutely nowhere!
I have lived in fear for so long and I don’t really fear them anymore. I feel challenged in a sense and I feel frustrated. I know you don’t escape a family like that to live happily ever after, it has been seven years. It feels like something epic is in the works. What I don’t know. However there have been far too many coincidences for my spidey senses to ignore. Part of me wonders if the reason a person in Hamilton called to discuss him was to create an alibi of sorts. Only problem is I have said from the very start that this is a family, like Charles Manson family, he doesn’t need to be within 2000km of me in order for me to be kidnapped and never seen again. That’s how this operation works. People in high places can get anything done. We see that every day when it comes to aristocrats and diplomats. I have no doubt that I could end up on a plane to destination anywhere without any questions. Unfortunately for me, I know very well how loudly money speaks.
Regardless of this chaos, the fears, the anxiety, the health issues, I am ready to move forward. I am ready to commit my love and my life to one person. I am eager to please and to be pleased, to love and be loved, to go through all my own chaos along with his. Life won’t be easy as we adapt to one another, especially with my traumatic past popping its’ ugly head up but I am eager to experience it. The good and the bad.