Seeking Peace

It’s those last lucid, intimate moments when you embrace someone knowing full well you will never see them alive again that you remember for the rest of your days. You reflect back on those moments and wonder if the person could have left their human vessel anymore peacefully then they did and whether or not you could have or should have said or done something differently. The questions that you always ask but will never have answers for, at least not in this realm. 

It’s those very moments that instill a fear of our own mortality because in those moments you are staring the angels of death in the face and begging them wholeheartedly to leave your loved one alone, even though deep down you know full well that they already have a foot out the door and you are left with only one choice and that is to accept death is imminent and cannot be avoided. You may not know which breath is the last, but with each strained rise and fall of their chest you look on, wondering if each is the final one that you will ever see. Part of you silently begs the person to let go and move on to the heavenly gates and another part of you refuses to relinquish your belief that they will open their eyes and get up as though it were nothing but a bad dream. 

In these moments, no matter what your physical age, you become an unwilling member of a group of people who have seen far too much and who have been changed forever. 

You now possess knowledge. 

“They” say knowledge is power. I have yet to figure out who “they” are but I guess that’s irrelevant. Sometimes knowledge is the most powerful thing you can have. You can explain, you can empathize, you can comprehend and you can even teach. Unfortunately though many who feel they are knowledgeable also feel as though they have nothing left to learn. A truly wise man knows that every moment of every day, every interaction either spiritual or physical is an opportunity to grow, to learn, to mould yourself into a better person. If you neglect to realize that with knowledge you must also pursue opportunity then what you know means absolutely nothing.

It’s actually a sad thing nowadays because everyone does a minimal amount of work to become an “expert”. Many people would rather have a young doctor because he is more up to date with the new stuff instead of the doctor who has been practicing for 30 years because he is old and couldn’t possibly know anything knew! The truth, they all take upgrading courses about new medicines, equipment etc. Older doctors often do choose what is tried and true over what’s new and intriguing but it doesn’t make them wrong. Just like a lot of new doctors will excitedly try something new, to make their mark in this world. Turns out that no matter which route they take the conclusion is normally the same and ultimately, your health care is up to YOU. If you want a new test or med, ask if you want something old because it has worked and you like its years of study better than ask! 

Ask and you shall receive!

Now, I know you don’t always get what you want but it never hurts to ask. Being meek and scared to use your voice gets you exactly what you ask for, nothing! Be persistent if you get a no or two. Sometimes it takes a bit before someone realizes that you are serious. 

Well, I need to rest a bit. My body is protesting me being upright for so long. I overdid it the last two days and I am certainly feeling it. I feel so helpless and pathetic, but I guess that’s okay. Just something I need to figure out how to accept. It’s a lot of work to come to terms with feeling this way, both physically and mentally.

A lot of work.