Genuine

Oh how I wish I was able to depict my genuine feelings and emotions onto paper, or in this case a word document. I would express the sadness and fear and guilt I have been feeling over the last few months and I would be able to express the pain I am in physically without coming across as though I was whining. I have been told that my depth is what attracts people. Maybe they are right. It seems as though I have had year after year of tragedy and loss, with no time to breathe and mourn as everything continues to crumble around me. 

It has been helpful to have the internet back as far as this journey towards healing goes. I have met so many wonderful and loving people who not only understand but who often relate. I always hate when someone truly understands because that means they have been in my place, they have been beaten, raped, lost a child or children. They can empathize in the most explicitly profound ways because of that often unspoken understanding. 

I also have found it interesting how empathic one can be over thousands of miles through the power of observation and genuine care. I have read so many people without meaning to and can normally pick up on their moods by the way they say hello. It is definitely an interesting place to be when you can physically tell that someone has a sore leg without them complaining, or how you can look at what appears to be a jubilant moment in someone’s life and see beyond the false smiles and into the pain buried deep beneath the layers of life. 

The most intriguing thing I have learned about myself is that in several cases I have been able to pick up on emotions and feelings of a person who I have never had any first hand contact with. The second hand contact I have experienced is amazing because I have been able to bond, for a lack of a better word, with these people and they have no clue they are being sent positive thoughts, prayers, white light, energy, etc. I wonder how many other people like myself can pick up on second hand people. 

I am grateful to one person in particular who has helped to block things out for me with his energy so that I can focus on my own health and to sort out feelings/emotions and spirits both good and evil. I have also been able to take this “time out” to learn about my own beliefs and faith system and where exactly it is I fit in. I haven’t figured that one out yet, but obviously where I was isn’t where I should be or I wouldn’t have taken the chance to question that faith in the first place.

It seems as though every time I find the answer to one thing I am left with more questions than I can even begin to answer. I guess my thoughts are like bunnies, you start with two and before you know it you have hundreds. 

For now I must rest. It’s that time once again unfortunately.