Moving Backwards?

The day…

Is gloomy again with a light rain and thunder in the distance. Last night the storm that hit was loud and the rain was heavy. I haven’t been out to see which, if any, branches fell to the ground.

Lying here…

Last night reminded me of my mom and her fear/hate of thunderstorms because she can’t sleep. They don’t bother my sleep at all. When the trees are twisting and turning in the wickedness of the storm I ask Jesus to ensure that any trees that fall miss me and the house. He calmed the rough waters when he was awoken on the boat and He asked the disciples if they did not have faith that everything would be okay! I have faith. I pray to Him in thanks for my safety. I ask that He continues to keep me safe. I can sleep through the storm because I know that He will not give me more than I can handle. He takes care of His children like any protective parent would and I am blessed to be one of His children!

If only…

Everyone could learn to love the Lord and to not just love Him but have faith in Him and His capabilities. To realize that He is a loving, living God who hears our prayers even though we are undeserving. Humbling yourself for the Lord isn’t an easy feat, but once you can let go, throw your hands in the air and say God I need You, you will immediately reap the benefits of being His child. There is no room left for fear, only strength. My God can do anything!

Life is…

More hectic then I would like it to be. Getting the kids school supplies, doing shopping and baking and not knowing if or when I am moving are all things that are looming over me and stressing my mind out, making me just want to sleep. That’s how I handle stress, I sleep. I have plants that need to be moved to my parents’ house that were my grandmas and that needs done very soon so they don’t die out over the winter. It’s just hard to find the time and energy to get anything done these days. I hate my meds, I hate being in pain and I hate that no one will help me no matter how many times I ask. I am going to lose everything that was important to my grandma because I am physically too drained and everyone else just can’t bother.

Watching…

The rain drop from the sky and listening to it hit the leaves on the trees just outside the window and seeing the clouds float by some white, some dark like they are as full as they can be! Knowing that each drop was sent here to serve a purpose, to give life to fill our water stores to feed our lakes and even just to give us the chance to go outside and dance in the life-giving water falling from the heavens.

Thinking…

How emotionally draining it will be to get married without my grandma standing by my side, doing my hair, making my dress and knowing now that someone who I don’t even know will likely be filling her place and doing those things since she will only be there in spirit.

I don’t want…

To walk down the aisle without her there and I don’t want to go through another pregnancy without her around. I don’t want to never see her again even though she has been gone for so many years. I know she is in Heaven where she belongs. I know she comes and speaks to me in spirit through my dreams. I don’t doubt that she isn’t a part of my life but it breaks my heart to think that every big moment in my life will be done without her. I will never hear her voice again, I will never feel her strong hands touch my hair or see them hold my baby’s. The recipes I had used when I was a child all went with her. Nothing has been the same, nothing has gotten better and nothing will ever change that pain. I want so badly to be angry with her for doing it to herself because of her smoking but non-smokers get lung cancer too. I am lonely for her touch, for the nights we laid in bed together and made shadow puppets on the wall, reading the Bible, listening to her snore.

Without her I would not be me. I’m not sure I want to be here without her. I am perpetually selfish.

Rambling

Today I decided to test my food stores that were in the freezer and see if my bread would rise even though it had thawed during the 19 hours of no power. It began to rise the way it should but then it stopped at about the half way mark. After giving it an extra two hours without it growing any further I realized it was trash. Hard work making my dough just to toss it out, the yeast was dead. So along with having no fresh bread I have a fridge and freezer full of food that is deemed inedible and the freezer bottom is rather sticky, likely from ice cream or the frozen juices.

The dog, my Puppet, is still sick but seems to be on the mend. After nearly 48 hours of fasting and about 10 hours of no more mess I decided it was time to try the rice. Since I don’t eat rice and had forgot to grab some in town I was blessed to be able to run to the neighbours and borrow some rice. Its kind of funny to think about it because you always hear about “borrowing a cup of sugar” and I never thought I would have to do that! What a blessing to have a neighbour who happens to have a farm that I can borrow from when needed. Rice is on the list of things to pick up tomorrow. So far Puppet is handling the rice in her tummy well, fingers crossed. I have a big bowl of rice cooling in the fridge for her next meal.

I love to look into my fridge and see things that I have made, even if it is a bowl of rice for the dog! This is only the third time I have ever made rice, which is why I didn’t own any and had forgot to pick it up. I was impressed with myself when I saw that it came out white and fluffy! How silly is that?

My wiener dog is outside barking her fool head off right now, she likes to go out and bark for an hour or so every day, as long as it’s not too hot. With the evening breeze and the shade she is happily barking at the rabbits that seem to think our yard is their yard!

The crab-apples are almost ready to be picked. I need to get to them before the bear does. Hopefully I win. I don’t know what to do with them though. I personally hate the texture of apples and crab apples taste so bitter. I think I will do some searching and see if I can find a recipe for them, otherwise I will give them to my lovely neighbour and see what she comes up with! She seems to be a very good housewife with her ability to cook and clean and her work ethic. Farming isn’t easy and I often say I would love to have that life but on the days where I just need to stay in bed I know I would be an epic fail at farming. That said, I still intend to get some chickens, just a few and obviously not this year. It would be wonderful to have farm fresh eggs every day for cooking and baking. They don’t have that disgusting “old” smell or flavor that eggs from the grocery store have. Fresh is always the way to go and once you figure out your recipes and have your pantry stocked cooking from scratch becomes second nature and doesn’t take any more time than the prepackaged stuff. It’s also a lot cheaper and a lot healthier.

The house is slowly coming along as far as de-cluttering and cleaning up goes. It was going a lot faster until the dog got sick and she has since become my priority. I am excited to hopefully get back on track with my cleaning and purging of stuff over the next few days as she starts to get better.

My porch is still tidy and organized the kitchen floor is picked up and in need of a good wash. The dishes are piled up and the couch cushions need to have their covers put back on so they can be returned to the couch. The entire house needs swept up and the floors all need vacuumed and then washed. I can see the light at the end of this long dark tunnel though, which is something I haven’t felt in a few years. I have been paralyzed by loss and death and as my world mentally fell down around me I gave up on the physical world as well.

I still have nightmares about being killed, about being raped, etc. I often wonder if and when they will ever end and if they don’t if I will be capable of dealing with these images and emotions for the rest of my life. I certainly don’t want to. I wish they would invent that amnesia pill that I am after.

Last night in my sleep I was in their house standing out on the deck looking out over the lake wondering how I was going to get away this time. I could feel the bindings even tighter around me holding me in their own replica of hell. I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t scared when I was going through it either. I was just trying to survive. It’s odd how my fears now are more intense than they were all those years ago. Adrenaline and survival truly do take over any other thought processes. In that sense I did exactly what I needed to do. I got us out –alive!

Since the power outage I have begun to restock my fridge and cupboards just in case. I have a couple of cases of water, some water flavoring to make juice if needed. I bought some powdered milk because I am sick of wasting money on things I don’t necessarily use.

I have done a quick inventory to ensure I have stuff for baking and cooking if the power is to be out that long again unexpectedly. I replaced a couple of the things from my freezer and over the next week or so I will be pre-making some bread and pizza dough to freeze. I should also try and get some of the blocks of cheese from the wholesale store and cut them into portions making sure to freeze some, as well as some lunch meats, like pepperoni etc so that if the power does go out again I can cook from the freezer and not depend on take out.

I am also going to purchase some propane canisters so that I can cook. I don’t want food to go to waste the way it did this last time and everything in my freezer can be prepared with a propane element or the generator if need be, offering us a variety of foods and ensuring that there is minimal waste.

I looked up how long eggs will last past their date and the egg thingy of America says that they will last approx. five weeks after their expiry date, they just cannot be sold past that date. Then it continued and said that for each day eggs are not refrigerated that you should count that day as one week. So, essentially, if I have eggs in my fridge and the power goes out I should have no problem preparing breakfast without a fridge for at least five days! Am I weird because this makes me happy?

A quick tip to cooking eggs is if you want hardboiled eggs to use your older eggs for this purpose as they are far easier to shell when it’s time to eat. However, fresh eggs have very little to no odor, even when hardboiled so I guess it’s up to you!

If you are really low on cash and can’t afford to get to the store often you can purchase whole dried eggs which you would use much like normal eggs for baking and cooking, however they do not work well if you need them to be fluffy. I haven’t seen this product in our grocery stores here but I am sure you can get them in the city. You can also get them online from wholesale food distributers. If you can afford to invest in filling your pantry right now then why wait until an emergency just to find out your broke and have nothing to eat?

Tomorrow if it is cool out again I think I am going to do some baking. I want to make some cherry tarts and some molasses cookies. It’s odd how finding myself involves me going back to where I have already been. I am most comfortable there though, cooking, cleaning, being a mom and a wife (even though I am not married). I enjoy preparing foods, especially with the kids. There is nothing better than seeing the pride on their faces about a misshapen cookie that they want everyone to see before devouring it.

Those small moments are the ones that remind me how blessed I am. I get to cook with my children. I get to be the one who is in the lake with them as they grin from ear to ear because they swam for the first time from the dock out to me where none of us can touch. I get to experience the good the bad and the ugly and those good moments where genuine excitement and pride in accomplishments achieved through hard work shine through all the bickering and fighting vanished for a moment. I pray that other parents are able to experience these things with their children and realize the blessing that these seemingly small achievements truly are.

I pray that my children continue to talk to me about their problems and that I am the one who gets invited into their room when they need to have a private chat that I am the one they trust with their lives while swimming for the first time. I pray my God and Saviour sees that I realize  that each of these moments is a gift from Him and that He continues to bless me with all of the big and small things that life as a parent brings.

I’m excited to get married and to start this journey again with someone who loves me unconditionally and whom I love just the same. Through the good and the bad, sickness and health until death do us part. I am ready to move forward in my life and quit wasting time. I am ready to be a wife. I am ready to fulfill the role God placed me here for.

                                                                                                                         

Wounded

The wounds on the outside heal; they may scar over or disappear altogether. It is the scars on the inside that continue to bleed, that we carry with us each day of our lives. The inner wounds are the ones that dictate who you are today and who you will turn into tomorrow.

Healing isn’t cut and dry, it is a journey that each of us must take hundreds of times throughout our lives. Sometimes the hill is easier to climb and then we can walk down the other side. Other times we struggle to reach the mountains peak only to fall off the edge and crash.

No matter how we get there, we somehow do.

Sometimes I feel lost. Lost within the confines of my mind, lost as a person in this world and I wonder if my life and my pain will ever impact anyone more than me. Will my experiences be something that help someone else or will they merely be something that bounce around in my head and torment me until my final breath?

I like to think that God did not allow me to survive all that I have in vain. That my story, my experiences will be used to help people, to bring Him honor and praise. What was done to me in the name of “god” will be undone and my prayer is that people who are hurt or abused by the wolves who wear the sheeps clothing will realize that the sheep didn’t injure them.

God was not the bully, it was not His will for my punishments, for my beatings, for my rapes. I was taught to think it was God’s will and it took me a great deal of time to realize that it wasn’t God, it was an imposter (satan) posing as the Almighty.

I am often saying “even Satan can read” and I understand that God is here to protect me. I must open my eyes and my ears to His teachings. I must open my heart to His unconditional love. I must accept that Jesus knows best and through learning His Word I know I will be accepted into His Kingdom and that as long as I follow the guidelines He has handed to me in the Biblical teachings that I will survive and I will enjoy His riches, now and forever.

“I once was lost but now I’m found, I was blind but now I see” –Newton

Saying Goodbye and Giving Praise!

How do you say goodbye to someone who you love more than anything but never had the chance to meet?

This is the place when we tend to lean on God the most. We trust that His gentle loving arms accept our unborn into His kingdom. We have faith that every child was sent for a purpose, whether we met the child or not. We think of the Biblical text and find solace in knowing that Jesus wants the children to come to Him!

M't:19:13: Then were there brought unto him little children, that he should put his hands on them, and pray: and the disciples rebuked them.

M't:19:14: But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.

M't:19:29: And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life.

We are blessed.

We have the knowledge that the first thing our unborn laid their eyes on was the Kingdom of God!

He comforts us through our prayers, through fellowship, through friendship and our family –whoever our family is.

The pain of being human is real. Very real. Handing that pain over to God is difficult for us because it is so overwhelming and in a lot of ways it is the only thing we have to hold onto. He died on the cross for us to bare our sins, to take away our pain, to heal us. We have to accept this gift which can be the biggest change in mindset of all.

You may be a baby Christian or you may have studied the Word your entire life. No matter how long you have accepted Jesus as your Lord and Saviour He is a living God and our relationship with Him is always growing, it is always changing and like all relationships it can always be improved upon.

When the world around you feels deep and dark remember that He is the light of your life and allow Him to guide your way.

Instead of saying goodbye to our little ones we need to give God praise for saving them from this world, blessing us for the few short weeks we had them, and for taking them into His loving arms. Each child was given a purpose on earth and that purpose doesn’t mean that the baby was born, to God the child was a living being from conception and this is a gift from Him that we will hopefully use in His name.

An old friend of mine, Heidi, who is now a midwife, has inspired me in many ways in finding my path with God and how blessed I truly am. On her blog Created for Praise she uses a piece of scripture that I can’t help but love.

“This will be written for the generation to come; That a people yet to be created may praise the Lord.” Psalm 102:18

Heidi’s page says “A people yet to be created will praise the Lord”. I think it is important to remember that for all of us parents who either want children, have children or have children in Heaven that our children whether created or not all have a purpose in His holy name!

On My Soap Box

I am sick…

Of the judgement, prejudice and racism in the world that gives me a bad name because I am a Christian woman.

Today a Facebook page that I follow posted a thank you to a restaurant that made a stand against homosexuality. I couldn’t help but respond to their post that seemed full of pride and excitement.

God says to love all people. Jesus came here to set this example of loving everyone no matter what or who they are and I believe in unconditional love. I believe the message that Jesus sent.

I am sickened by those who manipulate the Word of God to suit their own needs.

If Christians were to follow all of the biblical rules there are over 613!

Everything from diet, cleansing, sacrifices, tattoo’s, marriage, divorce, adultery, murder, swears, honoring your parents, mixing your food, child rearing, our clothing, head coverings; etc. The list goes on and on and no one and I mean NO ONE can say they are without sin except for Jesus Himself.

So I ask…

Why do you choose which of these rules to follow? God says to follow them all. The church has for the most part tossed out 90% of these rules yet keeps the ones that encourage judgement and hate. Why?

Why do we continue to fight a battle against genetics?

Why are so many willing to kill in God’s name?

And yes, bullying and prejudice kills, it leads to depression, anxiety and suicide.

If you have spoken about a person or a group of people that made someone feel that desperate then yes, you killed them. You killed their hopes and dreams for the future.

You killed their future.

You stole from them happiness and peace.

You judged them even though the Bible tells us “Judge not lest ye be judged”.

 Murder doesn’t always involve a gun or weapon. It is the death of a person’s future because they fear the hate and the judgement they will receive. Many people do commit suicide because they feel so hopeless.

Why do you steal hope when we are told not to steal?

How…

Would you feel if someone walked into your life and told you everything you were doing was completely wrong?

Would you deal with someone walking in and saying your marriage was a sin and that your love wasn’t real?

Would you handle your lover being on his/her death bed and you have no control because your state doesn’t recognize your love?

Would you feel if you were told you could not have children?

Would you feel if you were kicked out of church for being a “sinner”?

You…

Don’t have to accept other people’s lives, but you have to accept your own choices and know that they will be judged by God when your time comes.

Next time you make the choice to spread hate in God’s name ask yourself if that is what God would want you to do.

The last I checked the Bible says to turn the other cheek; it says to love one another. It doesn’t spread the message of hate, it spreads the message of love and if you aren’t spreading love in your actions then you should reconsider those actions and ask yourself what God would have you do!

Do It All Over Again

Handing…

Things over to God, to faith, to love and to life is something that I struggle with. I am learning a lesson these days in faith. I have my eyes closed and I cannot see. I have no clue where I am going or when. My life remains up in the air and I hate the lack of control. I took control of my life back in 2007 and for the first time I am relinquishing that control and trust. Trusting God, family and that I won’t get hurt again by any of these entities.

I have to remind myself that God wasn’t the one who let me down, who broke me, who stole my life. I have to remember that it was wolves in sheep’s clothing that did that to me. Manipulating the Word to suit their own needs. Manipulating it to abuse me, brainwash me and teach me that I am a failure and will never be good enough.

It took a long time…

To realize that I am good enough and to quit giving myself to people freely, to have self-respect and self-worth outside of having a status because of who I am with or why. I know I am worthy, I know I am valuable. I know I can do this because love is unconditional and that keeps me going.

I have a bad attitude…

So I have decided to try and change my attitude by getting rid of the stuff I can control, the clutter and chaos that make my life difficult. I have been holding onto things I really don’t like for a long time because they belonged to my grandma or grandpa and they literally become another thing that I have to move to sweep or vacuum around which means I either work really hard to get something done, or I do a half assed job or I procrastinate and don’t do any of it at all. In my case it’s the procrastinating that has been essentially ruining me and the way I live. I should be surrounded in things I love and only things I have room for without causing a mess.

Today I started in the porch. It’s a small room but a messy one because it has the cat litter and the sand from the dog’s feet. It was also a catch all for tools and recycling and anything else that needed to get out but had been sitting there so long it needed to be sorted again. I was able to get rid of a stereo and speakers that didn’t work, a VHS that didn’t work, yes that’s right a VHS!!! I put the tools in their respective box and moved them to the utility room where they belong and tossed away some stuff that has just been in there for the last 9 years. I don’t want to be a slave to the room or let it over power and discourage me, so I cleaned for half hour, got all that done and vacuumed the majority of the sand up. When the 30 minutes was up I walked away, leaving things as is so I can have a half hour break and go back in and finish without having to move stuff again in order to finish. It will definitely be nice to walk into the house and have an organized room to greet me!

I know that cleaning up won’t fix my bad attitude and language but it will make doing things around here a lot easier which should leave me less edgy and more willing to get up and do what’s needed when it needs it. I am not looking to have a perfect house but I am hopeful that I will have my house clean to a point where getting up to make a snack or a meal will be something I can do without having to clean for half hour first.

I have been stuck in this depression for so long and I feel like I finally am digging my way out.

Learning…

More about God, studying His Word and doing the bible studies I have been procrastinating. I need to start doing these again. They make me a better person. They help me to feel good about myself and about my life. I am eager to learn His Word, I always have been I just wish I could read and absorb the way others seem to. I know that one day I will be the woman of God and the God loving wife that I was created to be. I hold much excitement for my future; I also have a great deal of anxiety.

I fear…

Change and losing control over what little I can control. I fear being left alone so I push others away first. I fear being hurt so I take the first strike. I fear that people look at me and see my flaws and my deepest secrets instead of the intelligent person that I am. I guess I fear people looking at me the way I look at myself. Changing my ways and my outlook and my education will benefit me in a positive way. It is hard to not be self-conscious when I am so far from who I know I can be. I wonder if others see my potential or if they see my failures the way I do. That is likely a question I don’t want to know the answer to. Maybe I am not fearful of failing in the eyes of others but instead fearful of failing myself.

I’m excited…

For the future knowing that I have the tools in my hand to reach my full potential as a mother and one day a wife, I realize I won’t ever be perfect because no one is perfect, but I know that through hard work, changes in habit and the unconditional love I receive from my husband and from my God that I will thrive, I will learn and I will grow each and every day!

One day…

I hope to realize that I am living my dream and not just dreaming it.

I hope to find happiness without having to look.

I will be proud to be me, whoever “me” is!

I Walk

I remember…

The first time I loved something and lost it and how much it hurt my heart, even if it was for just a few short days. I still have regrets about my guinea pig being given away because I didn’t take good enough care of it at such a young age. Small losses are a blessing that prepare us for the inevitable big losses later in our lives. The bigger losses are often felt like a blow and tend to make people go one of two ways, the first way being turning to faith and prayer and strengthening their relationship with God and the second is them blaming god and turning away from faith, religion and God, altogether.

The blessing…

Is hidden deep within the loss as we grow stronger and into better people who love, care, feel, empathize and thank our Lord and Saviour for the small moments, no matter how short they were, each and every day.

This leaves…

Each of us to be even more grateful for the bigger things in life because we are supported during those small times, we are strengthened through His Holy Name and we are able to keep grounded in the faith in which we naturally dwell.

Moments of happiness to be cherished, moments of pain to not be forgotten and each moment in between to be given to our Creator.

I walk…

Through the depths of shallow waters and know that I am part of this world; The sand between my toes, the water lapping at my ankles and the sounds of nature all around, reminding me that I am alive.

With God by my side and when I try to run from Him I am followed as He waits for me to pick myself up and hand life over to Him once again. He is all knowing, all mighty and His love is unconditional and it often takes us a lot of falls in order to strengthen our relationship with Him into something one can trust.

It’s…

Not about scripture or who knows history the most. It is about following in His footsteps, living with a servants’ heart and finally accepting that His presence is always there as He waits to guide you and begs you to get to know Him.

The only way to happiness and real joy that can’t be taken away from you because your value isn’t placed in the objects around you but instead the love in which you receive from both our God in Heaven and those who we are blessed to have in our lives in the physical realm as well.

Today…

I got sick of spending money on premade things and decided that I would make pizza crust for our lunch instead of buying one. It turned out yummy even though I slightly over kneaded the dough. A premade pizza crust or a box of pizza dough and sauce is between 5 and 8 dollars, not including toppings. Today I bought yeast for 5 dollars, sugar for 2 dollars and flour for five dollars. Obviously it would have been cheaper had I went for bulk. I needed a couple tablespoons of canola oil and some salt and ten minutes later I was spreading out fresh dough! It’s these simple moments that I feel the most blessed in. To think I made pizza dough for a matter of only a few cents and a complete pizza for about 2 dollars and to know exactly what is in it and what isn’t in it is a wonderful feeling. I filled the hungry tummies around the dining room table while saving lots of money! I must add the fresh pizza dough was more filling then premade ones and we ended up eating far less. I figured we would be cutting it close for portions and we ended up with over half a pizza left! God is good! I am so blessed to have my eyes opening up to the simplicities of life once again. I have missed this part of me.

Tomorrow…

If the weather is good I think I will make some fresh bread instead of going to the farmers market (although I do enjoy giving these lovely men and women money for delicious foods and for encouraging us through the Lord). I used to make bread and cinnamon rolls and everything you can imagine over and over again. I had lost the motivation but God is working in me and I am finding the housewife in me coming back.

My prayer…

For others is that they will too find the Lord and continue their journey of faith and happiness with Him. Even when they can’t see the light that they may know it is there, He never leaves us.

For me, is to get married and start my family and to live a Christ based life where I can focus on the children I am sure we shall have and to focus on my husband and God and church and the simple things that come from keeping our lives “clutter” free from the chaos of debt, possessions and negative emotions.

For now…

At least it all looks good on paper!

Tears

Some days…

I wonder what’s wrong with me and why the tears don’t stop flowing. When I should be rejoicing in the glory of God and the gift that we all have an open invitation into the heavens I think to myself that I am a lowly sinner, why do I deserve such special care?

I realize that I am a child of God and that I am created in His likeness and that I spread His Word, I pray to Him for thanks, I pray in sorrow. I live my life (most of the time) offering thanks to Him for all that I have and for all that I don’t have.

Then…

I think it is too good to be true, the pain and anguish of having a living God and eternal life is overwhelming. I fear living another 27 years in hell the way I already have, I fear the rest of my life regardless of whether He is in it or not and the idea of “life” after death is even more worrisome if it comes with this pain.

This pain that knows only loss and grief. This pain that hurts into my soul and causes the tears to flow. The knowledge that someone will die and the feelings that I am responsible despite my knowing that life and death is up to God and God alone.

I hope to not be blamed again by others because I have been blamed in the past. I have been blamed for the death of people even when I am miles away all because I thought it, I dreamt it, I knew ahead of time.

I have predicted death, war, cause of death, accidents.

I see the lost souls of people and have to tell them they are dead to go into the light. I am touched nearly every night by a little girl who misses her mommy. She plays with my hair as I sit here and watch TV or chat. Her little fingers making my head tingle where she touches as her energy connects with mine each night before her bedtime. She doesn’t want to go to the other side. She wants to stay here and wait on her mom who is long since gone on. You think parenting a living child is hard; imagine convincing one who is no longer in the physical realm. In a sense I have adopted her. Or, maybe I am naïve in saying that and she has adopted me.

I…

Have this pain deep within me that I can’t quite explain. It is like energy is tearing through my body and wringing me out emotionally. I am sure everyone who knows me has noticed that I am far sterner and less flexible in my ability to “accept”.

On a happier note…

My plans to take things a step at a time are working better than I had thought. It is hard to say I love myself, because I really don’t, but I have hope that maybe one day I will. The people around me tell me they love me, so maybe I should love me too.

I have started the insane and dreaded daunting task of cleaning up and getting things organized. I know it’s only been a few days or weeks since I have decided I am moving and I have to do all this stuff but I think it is for the best. I realized by looking around here that the perfectionist in me was never going to get anything done because it couldn’t go from 0 to 10 with the limitations I have right now. So I started to just take a couple of minutes a few times a day and fill a bag or box with items for either the trash, to pack, or to donate. I have an ever growing pile both inside and out, slowly but surely it is getting done a few minutes at a time. The Christmas tree is still up. The one time of year I hate the most and I have a reminder of it smack in the middle of my house.

Taking down that tree gives me anxiety. It’s never bothered me before. Usually it goes up the day after thanksgiving and is taken down on Boxing Day. This year taking it down is symbolic for some reason. Like the black tree represents something deeper emotionally that I haven’t been able to pinpoint quite yet. Only one ornament has broken between thanksgiving and now. Not bad considering I have a cat and two dogs.

Finding…

That to live, laugh and love are harder words to live by then all the ornaments in the world would suggest.

Hoping…

That one day I can live by those three words and that the unconditional love I have for those around me is enough to allow “live” and “laugh” to come to me in the genuine sense of the words.

Maybe one day I will find happiness, or at least have a taste of it, so I know what everyone always talks about. My happiness scale never goes beyond content. I can’t recall a time in my life where I was ever jubilant over anything or for nothing. I can’t define happiness because it is something I have never experienced. I have always been serious, the observer, the one who absorbs the pains of those around me so that they can find happiness in the turmoil that the world sets before us. Carrying the weight of other peoples’ pains and knowing that sacrificing me to take away even an ounce of hurt is worth the hurt I feel each day.

I want…

To be held and comforted and to know that each day I wake up is worth waking up for. I want to know I am not alone in the pain I feel because someone loves me enough to hold me, to whisper in my ear everything will be okay and that we will get through it through prayer and Gods’ grace.

To no longer fear the inevitable.

To allow the key that I have held all this time to slip into the lock and remove the shackles that I wore for so much of my life and for my raw flesh to be caressed and kissed and healed by the person that God has created just for me.

To be married and not have to worry about fighting and bickering because we are a united front on the same page ethically, morally, spiritually.

To look inside myself so I can find who I really am beyond the depths that I am forever trapped in.

To be me, whoever that is!

“Hands over my head thinking 'what else could go wrong?'

Would've stayed in bed, how can a day be so long?

Never believed that things happen for a reason

But how this turned out, you moved all my doubts, oh believe

That for you I'll do it all over again

Do it all over again

All I went through, led me to you

So I'd do it all over again

For you”

~Bruno Mars, Again~

These Days

Today…

I feel like I have failed in my journey to help the people I care about. I feel like the pain that those who care about me are experiencing is my fault because I am unable to save them from the pains of yesterday or the hurt that may come with tomorrow.

My heart aches because of how far we have come and how quickly things fall apart and old habits that were thought to be gone come back with a vengeance.

I am trying to focus on the good that can only come from my experiences and failures as a friend and family member. I am able to see I can’t fix it all when someone isn’t willing to accept help.

I hand over the pain and sorrows of my past, present and future to God because I know He is the only one who will bring peace to my heart and salvation to my soul. I know that he recognizes my good deeds and my intentions and doesn’t focus on the parts of me that aren’t perfect.

I tell myself I am perfect because I am created by God in His likeness. My downfalls are human but my being is purely divine. I will not settle for my world being full of chaos and ugliness.

I realize deep within my soul that I deserve to be happy and content and now that I have had this epiphany I intend to act on it.

Yesterday…

Caused me so much pain because of lies and my trust being broken yet again.

I pondered where I went wrong but I already know that it wasn’t in my control and it never was.

I made choices that impact me today and tomorrow and everyday thereafter in a way so profound that only peace and joy can be seen on the horizon.

Tomorrow…

I will continue on this journey called life the same as I have today. I will set goals and I will follow through. I will make plans and stay true to my word.

I may find heartbreak and pain along this broken road but just because there are bumps doesn’t mean I won’t reach the destiny I was created to achieve.

Right Now…

I will throw my hands up in the air and hand my life over to God because trying to do everything on my own hasn’t been working and I know that ONLY God can handle all the negative things that bog me down and replace them with learning experiences, wisdom, joy and the unconditional love He has promised.

Finding Health

I’ve realized…

That love is always enough, but the difference between love and lust is respect and where respect is lacking in a relationship then you are left with nothing but lust, and dreams that can never come true.

I shouldn’t be made to feel jealous or anxious over an inanimate object. I should be first in the life of the person who claims to love me. I shouldn’t be lied to, I shouldn’t be neglected and I shouldn’t be abandoned for a couple of drinks.

If someone is willing to place objects or desires before their “love” for me then it’s not real love and I don’t want it anyway. I am human, I have emotions and I have far more value to the lives around me then any object ever can.

I’ve tried…

To deal with my jealousy over alcohol and to leave the questions about why I am not good enough to fulfill ones needs and it is, yet I can’t get past this hurt and people can’t get past knowingly causing me that worry and pain.

To help and make recommendations that fell on deaf ears despite the fact that I was told I was the only one who could make these issues go away. I have tried and for the first time I have failed.

Being supportive and to encourage healthy options like counselling, yet I once again fail.

Why…

Should I continue to fight for someone when they don’t fight for themselves?

Should I feel pain and worry on a daily basis and live in fear of fights or setting someone off?

Should I allow myself to be beaten down mentally and emotionally by someone who is selfish enough to only care about what makes them feel good?

Do I care at all when it hurts so darn bad?

I am moving on…

And getting rid of the people who cause me so much worry and hurt. I have enough of that without inviting it in.

I am going to restart actively looking for the person God has intended for me to marry so that I can begin my life and be happy.

I am quitting my job as mother to men twice my age. I am a mother and the kids are often better behaved and less embarrassing then these “adults” who claim to need and want my help.

It is time…

To live for myself, my children and most of all God. If you don’t fit into my life without causing strife then you are no longer welcome to be a part of me and who I hope to one day become.

To love myself unconditionally because if I can’t love myself the way the Lord intended how can I expect someone else to?

To rest and heal so that I can better my life and my surroundings without being made to feel guilty.

God is…

Love and since I am created in His likeness I am also love.

I am…

Excited to begin this journey and walk this path. It has been laid before me for a reason and unless I take the first step I will never know what comes when I take the last.

Don't Give Up!

Today…

I had some small accomplishments despite being in intense pain. I was able to get some grocery shopping done. I got in a little bit of exercise today thanks to parking. I was in pain but managed to carry a couple of weeks’ worth of meat uphill an entire block to the car. I shopped in three different stores and despite having to stop several times I think I did fairly well.

I spoiled myself…

With a new cookbook! Somehow this excites me. I am missing baking and cooking so much for my family and I am eager to get back in the kitchen to make breads and cakes and drinks all from scratch. It wasn’t all that long ago that my favorite recipes were in my head and I had never thought I could or would forget. Since it’s been just me I have forgot all those recipes and don’t even own most of the ingredients. This cookbook somehow gives me hope that I will be married soon and that I will be feeding my husband and children. I am excited!!

I still haven’t…

Picked up the Bible or pulled out my Bible studies. I want to but something inside of me is holding me back. I know I must pull them out and start doing them in order to continue where I left off in developing my relationship with the Lord. I think I should probably try and schedule some time each day to spend with God whether it’s through prayer, Bible studies, reading or a mix of it all. God needs to be first in my life in order for everything else to fall into its respective place.

It is so much easier to neglect things, including God when it’s just me. I realize that this is something I have to do so that I can start to do other things that are just for me as well. These small things now will definitely encourage me in the future.

I have…

Signed up for Flylady again. I used to do it when I was younger and it was wonderful to clean and de-clutter and know I wasn’t the only one living in chaos. I hope I benefit from it as much this time around as I did years and years ago. I have been struggling with “where to start” and Flylady takes the guesswork out of that. One can only hope she helps me organize and purge. I am ready to move forward, even if that means going backwards first!

I wrote an review for my friend Crystal’s website on a book I just read. Check out her blog at Little Birdie Reviews!

I will…

Get back to couponing and finding the good deals and being organized with my money as things are costing more and more.

Begin to sort and pack and have faith that everything will be done with as little stress as possible.

Create a plan for the next few months regarding big decisions as well as save up money for my flowers, paint, and overall décor for the changes I am making in my life.

Attempt to be more positive with things, even when I feel like hell and life seems daunting.

Live in love because it is the only way to truly show respect to not only humanity, but to myself.

Trust that I deserve the things I am saving for and the things I am striving to achieve.

I won’t…

Tell myself I am a failure when it seems as though nothing is done. I will do one thing at a time and accept that I can’t always achieve what I want to. I won’t beat myself up because of unrealistic goals.

Feel rushed to get married and start a family, instead I will have faith that things will happen when they are meant to.

Be reckless with my life, I deserve far more than I have given myself mentally and physically.

Beat myself up for my weight and not being in shape, I will continue to watch what I eat and begin to add in physical activity as I am able.

"Today is your day to begin, don’t give up here don’t you quit. The moment is now this is it. Know that you can then you will get to the top of the hill. Part of the fun is the climb you just gotta make up your mind. That today is your day and nothing can stand in your way. Today is your day everything’s going your way, today" ~Shania Twain