Friday, July 27, 2012

Do It All Over Again


Things over to God, to faith, to love and to life is something that I struggle with. I am learning a lesson these days in faith. I have my eyes closed and I cannot see. I have no clue where I am going or when. My life remains up in the air and I hate the lack of control. I took control of my life back in 2007 and for the first time I am relinquishing that control and trust. Trusting God, family and that I won’t get hurt again by any of these entities.

I have to remind myself that God wasn’t the one who let me down, who broke me, who stole my life. I have to remember that it was wolves in sheep’s clothing that did that to me. Manipulating the Word to suit their own needs. Manipulating it to abuse me, brainwash me and teach me that I am a failure and will never be good enough.

It took a long time…

To realize that I am good enough and to quit giving myself to people freely, to have self-respect and self-worth outside of having a status because of who I am with or why. I know I am worthy, I know I am valuable. I know I can do this because love is unconditional and that keeps me going.

I have a bad attitude…

So I have decided to try and change my attitude by getting rid of the stuff I can control, the clutter and chaos that make my life difficult. I have been holding onto things I really don’t like for a long time because they belonged to my grandma or grandpa and they literally become another thing that I have to move to sweep or vacuum around which means I either work really hard to get something done, or I do a half assed job or I procrastinate and don’t do any of it at all. In my case it’s the procrastinating that has been essentially ruining me and the way I live. I should be surrounded in things I love and only things I have room for without causing a mess.

Today I started in the porch. It’s a small room but a messy one because it has the cat litter and the sand from the dog’s feet. It was also a catch all for tools and recycling and anything else that needed to get out but had been sitting there so long it needed to be sorted again. I was able to get rid of a stereo and speakers that didn’t work, a VHS that didn’t work, yes that’s right a VHS!!! I put the tools in their respective box and moved them to the utility room where they belong and tossed away some stuff that has just been in there for the last 9 years. I don’t want to be a slave to the room or let it over power and discourage me, so I cleaned for half hour, got all that done and vacuumed the majority of the sand up. When the 30 minutes was up I walked away, leaving things as is so I can have a half hour break and go back in and finish without having to move stuff again in order to finish. It will definitely be nice to walk into the house and have an organized room to greet me!

I know that cleaning up won’t fix my bad attitude and language but it will make doing things around here a lot easier which should leave me less edgy and more willing to get up and do what’s needed when it needs it. I am not looking to have a perfect house but I am hopeful that I will have my house clean to a point where getting up to make a snack or a meal will be something I can do without having to clean for half hour first.

I have been stuck in this depression for so long and I feel like I finally am digging my way out.


More about God, studying His Word and doing the bible studies I have been procrastinating. I need to start doing these again. They make me a better person. They help me to feel good about myself and about my life. I am eager to learn His Word, I always have been I just wish I could read and absorb the way others seem to. I know that one day I will be the woman of God and the God loving wife that I was created to be. I hold much excitement for my future; I also have a great deal of anxiety.

I fear…

Change and losing control over what little I can control. I fear being left alone so I push others away first. I fear being hurt so I take the first strike. I fear that people look at me and see my flaws and my deepest secrets instead of the intelligent person that I am. I guess I fear people looking at me the way I look at myself. Changing my ways and my outlook and my education will benefit me in a positive way. It is hard to not be self-conscious when I am so far from who I know I can be. I wonder if others see my potential or if they see my failures the way I do. That is likely a question I don’t want to know the answer to. Maybe I am not fearful of failing in the eyes of others but instead fearful of failing myself.

I’m excited…

For the future knowing that I have the tools in my hand to reach my full potential as a mother and one day a wife, I realize I won’t ever be perfect because no one is perfect, but I know that through hard work, changes in habit and the unconditional love I receive from my husband and from my God that I will thrive, I will learn and I will grow each and every day!

One day…

I hope to realize that I am living my dream and not just dreaming it.

I hope to find happiness without having to look.

I will be proud to be me, whoever “me” is!

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