Saying Goodbye and Giving Praise!

How do you say goodbye to someone who you love more than anything but never had the chance to meet?

This is the place when we tend to lean on God the most. We trust that His gentle loving arms accept our unborn into His kingdom. We have faith that every child was sent for a purpose, whether we met the child or not. We think of the Biblical text and find solace in knowing that Jesus wants the children to come to Him!

M't:19:13: Then were there brought unto him little children, that he should put his hands on them, and pray: and the disciples rebuked them.

M't:19:14: But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.

M't:19:29: And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life.

We are blessed.

We have the knowledge that the first thing our unborn laid their eyes on was the Kingdom of God!

He comforts us through our prayers, through fellowship, through friendship and our family –whoever our family is.

The pain of being human is real. Very real. Handing that pain over to God is difficult for us because it is so overwhelming and in a lot of ways it is the only thing we have to hold onto. He died on the cross for us to bare our sins, to take away our pain, to heal us. We have to accept this gift which can be the biggest change in mindset of all.

You may be a baby Christian or you may have studied the Word your entire life. No matter how long you have accepted Jesus as your Lord and Saviour He is a living God and our relationship with Him is always growing, it is always changing and like all relationships it can always be improved upon.

When the world around you feels deep and dark remember that He is the light of your life and allow Him to guide your way.

Instead of saying goodbye to our little ones we need to give God praise for saving them from this world, blessing us for the few short weeks we had them, and for taking them into His loving arms. Each child was given a purpose on earth and that purpose doesn’t mean that the baby was born, to God the child was a living being from conception and this is a gift from Him that we will hopefully use in His name.

An old friend of mine, Heidi, who is now a midwife, has inspired me in many ways in finding my path with God and how blessed I truly am. On her blog Created for Praise she uses a piece of scripture that I can’t help but love.

“This will be written for the generation to come; That a people yet to be created may praise the Lord.” Psalm 102:18

Heidi’s page says “A people yet to be created will praise the Lord”. I think it is important to remember that for all of us parents who either want children, have children or have children in Heaven that our children whether created or not all have a purpose in His holy name!

On My Soap Box

I am sick…

Of the judgement, prejudice and racism in the world that gives me a bad name because I am a Christian woman.

Today a Facebook page that I follow posted a thank you to a restaurant that made a stand against homosexuality. I couldn’t help but respond to their post that seemed full of pride and excitement.

God says to love all people. Jesus came here to set this example of loving everyone no matter what or who they are and I believe in unconditional love. I believe the message that Jesus sent.

I am sickened by those who manipulate the Word of God to suit their own needs.

If Christians were to follow all of the biblical rules there are over 613!

Everything from diet, cleansing, sacrifices, tattoo’s, marriage, divorce, adultery, murder, swears, honoring your parents, mixing your food, child rearing, our clothing, head coverings; etc. The list goes on and on and no one and I mean NO ONE can say they are without sin except for Jesus Himself.

So I ask…

Why do you choose which of these rules to follow? God says to follow them all. The church has for the most part tossed out 90% of these rules yet keeps the ones that encourage judgement and hate. Why?

Why do we continue to fight a battle against genetics?

Why are so many willing to kill in God’s name?

And yes, bullying and prejudice kills, it leads to depression, anxiety and suicide.

If you have spoken about a person or a group of people that made someone feel that desperate then yes, you killed them. You killed their hopes and dreams for the future.

You killed their future.

You stole from them happiness and peace.

You judged them even though the Bible tells us “Judge not lest ye be judged”.

 Murder doesn’t always involve a gun or weapon. It is the death of a person’s future because they fear the hate and the judgement they will receive. Many people do commit suicide because they feel so hopeless.

Why do you steal hope when we are told not to steal?

How…

Would you feel if someone walked into your life and told you everything you were doing was completely wrong?

Would you deal with someone walking in and saying your marriage was a sin and that your love wasn’t real?

Would you handle your lover being on his/her death bed and you have no control because your state doesn’t recognize your love?

Would you feel if you were told you could not have children?

Would you feel if you were kicked out of church for being a “sinner”?

You…

Don’t have to accept other people’s lives, but you have to accept your own choices and know that they will be judged by God when your time comes.

Next time you make the choice to spread hate in God’s name ask yourself if that is what God would want you to do.

The last I checked the Bible says to turn the other cheek; it says to love one another. It doesn’t spread the message of hate, it spreads the message of love and if you aren’t spreading love in your actions then you should reconsider those actions and ask yourself what God would have you do!

Do It All Over Again

Handing…

Things over to God, to faith, to love and to life is something that I struggle with. I am learning a lesson these days in faith. I have my eyes closed and I cannot see. I have no clue where I am going or when. My life remains up in the air and I hate the lack of control. I took control of my life back in 2007 and for the first time I am relinquishing that control and trust. Trusting God, family and that I won’t get hurt again by any of these entities.

I have to remind myself that God wasn’t the one who let me down, who broke me, who stole my life. I have to remember that it was wolves in sheep’s clothing that did that to me. Manipulating the Word to suit their own needs. Manipulating it to abuse me, brainwash me and teach me that I am a failure and will never be good enough.

It took a long time…

To realize that I am good enough and to quit giving myself to people freely, to have self-respect and self-worth outside of having a status because of who I am with or why. I know I am worthy, I know I am valuable. I know I can do this because love is unconditional and that keeps me going.

I have a bad attitude…

So I have decided to try and change my attitude by getting rid of the stuff I can control, the clutter and chaos that make my life difficult. I have been holding onto things I really don’t like for a long time because they belonged to my grandma or grandpa and they literally become another thing that I have to move to sweep or vacuum around which means I either work really hard to get something done, or I do a half assed job or I procrastinate and don’t do any of it at all. In my case it’s the procrastinating that has been essentially ruining me and the way I live. I should be surrounded in things I love and only things I have room for without causing a mess.

Today I started in the porch. It’s a small room but a messy one because it has the cat litter and the sand from the dog’s feet. It was also a catch all for tools and recycling and anything else that needed to get out but had been sitting there so long it needed to be sorted again. I was able to get rid of a stereo and speakers that didn’t work, a VHS that didn’t work, yes that’s right a VHS!!! I put the tools in their respective box and moved them to the utility room where they belong and tossed away some stuff that has just been in there for the last 9 years. I don’t want to be a slave to the room or let it over power and discourage me, so I cleaned for half hour, got all that done and vacuumed the majority of the sand up. When the 30 minutes was up I walked away, leaving things as is so I can have a half hour break and go back in and finish without having to move stuff again in order to finish. It will definitely be nice to walk into the house and have an organized room to greet me!

I know that cleaning up won’t fix my bad attitude and language but it will make doing things around here a lot easier which should leave me less edgy and more willing to get up and do what’s needed when it needs it. I am not looking to have a perfect house but I am hopeful that I will have my house clean to a point where getting up to make a snack or a meal will be something I can do without having to clean for half hour first.

I have been stuck in this depression for so long and I feel like I finally am digging my way out.

Learning…

More about God, studying His Word and doing the bible studies I have been procrastinating. I need to start doing these again. They make me a better person. They help me to feel good about myself and about my life. I am eager to learn His Word, I always have been I just wish I could read and absorb the way others seem to. I know that one day I will be the woman of God and the God loving wife that I was created to be. I hold much excitement for my future; I also have a great deal of anxiety.

I fear…

Change and losing control over what little I can control. I fear being left alone so I push others away first. I fear being hurt so I take the first strike. I fear that people look at me and see my flaws and my deepest secrets instead of the intelligent person that I am. I guess I fear people looking at me the way I look at myself. Changing my ways and my outlook and my education will benefit me in a positive way. It is hard to not be self-conscious when I am so far from who I know I can be. I wonder if others see my potential or if they see my failures the way I do. That is likely a question I don’t want to know the answer to. Maybe I am not fearful of failing in the eyes of others but instead fearful of failing myself.

I’m excited…

For the future knowing that I have the tools in my hand to reach my full potential as a mother and one day a wife, I realize I won’t ever be perfect because no one is perfect, but I know that through hard work, changes in habit and the unconditional love I receive from my husband and from my God that I will thrive, I will learn and I will grow each and every day!

One day…

I hope to realize that I am living my dream and not just dreaming it.

I hope to find happiness without having to look.

I will be proud to be me, whoever “me” is!

I Walk

I remember…

The first time I loved something and lost it and how much it hurt my heart, even if it was for just a few short days. I still have regrets about my guinea pig being given away because I didn’t take good enough care of it at such a young age. Small losses are a blessing that prepare us for the inevitable big losses later in our lives. The bigger losses are often felt like a blow and tend to make people go one of two ways, the first way being turning to faith and prayer and strengthening their relationship with God and the second is them blaming god and turning away from faith, religion and God, altogether.

The blessing…

Is hidden deep within the loss as we grow stronger and into better people who love, care, feel, empathize and thank our Lord and Saviour for the small moments, no matter how short they were, each and every day.

This leaves…

Each of us to be even more grateful for the bigger things in life because we are supported during those small times, we are strengthened through His Holy Name and we are able to keep grounded in the faith in which we naturally dwell.

Moments of happiness to be cherished, moments of pain to not be forgotten and each moment in between to be given to our Creator.

I walk…

Through the depths of shallow waters and know that I am part of this world; The sand between my toes, the water lapping at my ankles and the sounds of nature all around, reminding me that I am alive.

With God by my side and when I try to run from Him I am followed as He waits for me to pick myself up and hand life over to Him once again. He is all knowing, all mighty and His love is unconditional and it often takes us a lot of falls in order to strengthen our relationship with Him into something one can trust.

It’s…

Not about scripture or who knows history the most. It is about following in His footsteps, living with a servants’ heart and finally accepting that His presence is always there as He waits to guide you and begs you to get to know Him.

The only way to happiness and real joy that can’t be taken away from you because your value isn’t placed in the objects around you but instead the love in which you receive from both our God in Heaven and those who we are blessed to have in our lives in the physical realm as well.

Today…

I got sick of spending money on premade things and decided that I would make pizza crust for our lunch instead of buying one. It turned out yummy even though I slightly over kneaded the dough. A premade pizza crust or a box of pizza dough and sauce is between 5 and 8 dollars, not including toppings. Today I bought yeast for 5 dollars, sugar for 2 dollars and flour for five dollars. Obviously it would have been cheaper had I went for bulk. I needed a couple tablespoons of canola oil and some salt and ten minutes later I was spreading out fresh dough! It’s these simple moments that I feel the most blessed in. To think I made pizza dough for a matter of only a few cents and a complete pizza for about 2 dollars and to know exactly what is in it and what isn’t in it is a wonderful feeling. I filled the hungry tummies around the dining room table while saving lots of money! I must add the fresh pizza dough was more filling then premade ones and we ended up eating far less. I figured we would be cutting it close for portions and we ended up with over half a pizza left! God is good! I am so blessed to have my eyes opening up to the simplicities of life once again. I have missed this part of me.

Tomorrow…

If the weather is good I think I will make some fresh bread instead of going to the farmers market (although I do enjoy giving these lovely men and women money for delicious foods and for encouraging us through the Lord). I used to make bread and cinnamon rolls and everything you can imagine over and over again. I had lost the motivation but God is working in me and I am finding the housewife in me coming back.

My prayer…

For others is that they will too find the Lord and continue their journey of faith and happiness with Him. Even when they can’t see the light that they may know it is there, He never leaves us.

For me, is to get married and start my family and to live a Christ based life where I can focus on the children I am sure we shall have and to focus on my husband and God and church and the simple things that come from keeping our lives “clutter” free from the chaos of debt, possessions and negative emotions.

For now…

At least it all looks good on paper!

Tears

Some days…

I wonder what’s wrong with me and why the tears don’t stop flowing. When I should be rejoicing in the glory of God and the gift that we all have an open invitation into the heavens I think to myself that I am a lowly sinner, why do I deserve such special care?

I realize that I am a child of God and that I am created in His likeness and that I spread His Word, I pray to Him for thanks, I pray in sorrow. I live my life (most of the time) offering thanks to Him for all that I have and for all that I don’t have.

Then…

I think it is too good to be true, the pain and anguish of having a living God and eternal life is overwhelming. I fear living another 27 years in hell the way I already have, I fear the rest of my life regardless of whether He is in it or not and the idea of “life” after death is even more worrisome if it comes with this pain.

This pain that knows only loss and grief. This pain that hurts into my soul and causes the tears to flow. The knowledge that someone will die and the feelings that I am responsible despite my knowing that life and death is up to God and God alone.

I hope to not be blamed again by others because I have been blamed in the past. I have been blamed for the death of people even when I am miles away all because I thought it, I dreamt it, I knew ahead of time.

I have predicted death, war, cause of death, accidents.

I see the lost souls of people and have to tell them they are dead to go into the light. I am touched nearly every night by a little girl who misses her mommy. She plays with my hair as I sit here and watch TV or chat. Her little fingers making my head tingle where she touches as her energy connects with mine each night before her bedtime. She doesn’t want to go to the other side. She wants to stay here and wait on her mom who is long since gone on. You think parenting a living child is hard; imagine convincing one who is no longer in the physical realm. In a sense I have adopted her. Or, maybe I am naïve in saying that and she has adopted me.

I…

Have this pain deep within me that I can’t quite explain. It is like energy is tearing through my body and wringing me out emotionally. I am sure everyone who knows me has noticed that I am far sterner and less flexible in my ability to “accept”.

On a happier note…

My plans to take things a step at a time are working better than I had thought. It is hard to say I love myself, because I really don’t, but I have hope that maybe one day I will. The people around me tell me they love me, so maybe I should love me too.

I have started the insane and dreaded daunting task of cleaning up and getting things organized. I know it’s only been a few days or weeks since I have decided I am moving and I have to do all this stuff but I think it is for the best. I realized by looking around here that the perfectionist in me was never going to get anything done because it couldn’t go from 0 to 10 with the limitations I have right now. So I started to just take a couple of minutes a few times a day and fill a bag or box with items for either the trash, to pack, or to donate. I have an ever growing pile both inside and out, slowly but surely it is getting done a few minutes at a time. The Christmas tree is still up. The one time of year I hate the most and I have a reminder of it smack in the middle of my house.

Taking down that tree gives me anxiety. It’s never bothered me before. Usually it goes up the day after thanksgiving and is taken down on Boxing Day. This year taking it down is symbolic for some reason. Like the black tree represents something deeper emotionally that I haven’t been able to pinpoint quite yet. Only one ornament has broken between thanksgiving and now. Not bad considering I have a cat and two dogs.

Finding…

That to live, laugh and love are harder words to live by then all the ornaments in the world would suggest.

Hoping…

That one day I can live by those three words and that the unconditional love I have for those around me is enough to allow “live” and “laugh” to come to me in the genuine sense of the words.

Maybe one day I will find happiness, or at least have a taste of it, so I know what everyone always talks about. My happiness scale never goes beyond content. I can’t recall a time in my life where I was ever jubilant over anything or for nothing. I can’t define happiness because it is something I have never experienced. I have always been serious, the observer, the one who absorbs the pains of those around me so that they can find happiness in the turmoil that the world sets before us. Carrying the weight of other peoples’ pains and knowing that sacrificing me to take away even an ounce of hurt is worth the hurt I feel each day.

I want…

To be held and comforted and to know that each day I wake up is worth waking up for. I want to know I am not alone in the pain I feel because someone loves me enough to hold me, to whisper in my ear everything will be okay and that we will get through it through prayer and Gods’ grace.

To no longer fear the inevitable.

To allow the key that I have held all this time to slip into the lock and remove the shackles that I wore for so much of my life and for my raw flesh to be caressed and kissed and healed by the person that God has created just for me.

To be married and not have to worry about fighting and bickering because we are a united front on the same page ethically, morally, spiritually.

To look inside myself so I can find who I really am beyond the depths that I am forever trapped in.

To be me, whoever that is!

“Hands over my head thinking 'what else could go wrong?'

Would've stayed in bed, how can a day be so long?

Never believed that things happen for a reason

But how this turned out, you moved all my doubts, oh believe

That for you I'll do it all over again

Do it all over again

All I went through, led me to you

So I'd do it all over again

For you”

~Bruno Mars, Again~

These Days

Today…

I feel like I have failed in my journey to help the people I care about. I feel like the pain that those who care about me are experiencing is my fault because I am unable to save them from the pains of yesterday or the hurt that may come with tomorrow.

My heart aches because of how far we have come and how quickly things fall apart and old habits that were thought to be gone come back with a vengeance.

I am trying to focus on the good that can only come from my experiences and failures as a friend and family member. I am able to see I can’t fix it all when someone isn’t willing to accept help.

I hand over the pain and sorrows of my past, present and future to God because I know He is the only one who will bring peace to my heart and salvation to my soul. I know that he recognizes my good deeds and my intentions and doesn’t focus on the parts of me that aren’t perfect.

I tell myself I am perfect because I am created by God in His likeness. My downfalls are human but my being is purely divine. I will not settle for my world being full of chaos and ugliness.

I realize deep within my soul that I deserve to be happy and content and now that I have had this epiphany I intend to act on it.

Yesterday…

Caused me so much pain because of lies and my trust being broken yet again.

I pondered where I went wrong but I already know that it wasn’t in my control and it never was.

I made choices that impact me today and tomorrow and everyday thereafter in a way so profound that only peace and joy can be seen on the horizon.

Tomorrow…

I will continue on this journey called life the same as I have today. I will set goals and I will follow through. I will make plans and stay true to my word.

I may find heartbreak and pain along this broken road but just because there are bumps doesn’t mean I won’t reach the destiny I was created to achieve.

Right Now…

I will throw my hands up in the air and hand my life over to God because trying to do everything on my own hasn’t been working and I know that ONLY God can handle all the negative things that bog me down and replace them with learning experiences, wisdom, joy and the unconditional love He has promised.

Finding Health

I’ve realized…

That love is always enough, but the difference between love and lust is respect and where respect is lacking in a relationship then you are left with nothing but lust, and dreams that can never come true.

I shouldn’t be made to feel jealous or anxious over an inanimate object. I should be first in the life of the person who claims to love me. I shouldn’t be lied to, I shouldn’t be neglected and I shouldn’t be abandoned for a couple of drinks.

If someone is willing to place objects or desires before their “love” for me then it’s not real love and I don’t want it anyway. I am human, I have emotions and I have far more value to the lives around me then any object ever can.

I’ve tried…

To deal with my jealousy over alcohol and to leave the questions about why I am not good enough to fulfill ones needs and it is, yet I can’t get past this hurt and people can’t get past knowingly causing me that worry and pain.

To help and make recommendations that fell on deaf ears despite the fact that I was told I was the only one who could make these issues go away. I have tried and for the first time I have failed.

Being supportive and to encourage healthy options like counselling, yet I once again fail.

Why…

Should I continue to fight for someone when they don’t fight for themselves?

Should I feel pain and worry on a daily basis and live in fear of fights or setting someone off?

Should I allow myself to be beaten down mentally and emotionally by someone who is selfish enough to only care about what makes them feel good?

Do I care at all when it hurts so darn bad?

I am moving on…

And getting rid of the people who cause me so much worry and hurt. I have enough of that without inviting it in.

I am going to restart actively looking for the person God has intended for me to marry so that I can begin my life and be happy.

I am quitting my job as mother to men twice my age. I am a mother and the kids are often better behaved and less embarrassing then these “adults” who claim to need and want my help.

It is time…

To live for myself, my children and most of all God. If you don’t fit into my life without causing strife then you are no longer welcome to be a part of me and who I hope to one day become.

To love myself unconditionally because if I can’t love myself the way the Lord intended how can I expect someone else to?

To rest and heal so that I can better my life and my surroundings without being made to feel guilty.

God is…

Love and since I am created in His likeness I am also love.

I am…

Excited to begin this journey and walk this path. It has been laid before me for a reason and unless I take the first step I will never know what comes when I take the last.

Don't Give Up!

Today…

I had some small accomplishments despite being in intense pain. I was able to get some grocery shopping done. I got in a little bit of exercise today thanks to parking. I was in pain but managed to carry a couple of weeks’ worth of meat uphill an entire block to the car. I shopped in three different stores and despite having to stop several times I think I did fairly well.

I spoiled myself…

With a new cookbook! Somehow this excites me. I am missing baking and cooking so much for my family and I am eager to get back in the kitchen to make breads and cakes and drinks all from scratch. It wasn’t all that long ago that my favorite recipes were in my head and I had never thought I could or would forget. Since it’s been just me I have forgot all those recipes and don’t even own most of the ingredients. This cookbook somehow gives me hope that I will be married soon and that I will be feeding my husband and children. I am excited!!

I still haven’t…

Picked up the Bible or pulled out my Bible studies. I want to but something inside of me is holding me back. I know I must pull them out and start doing them in order to continue where I left off in developing my relationship with the Lord. I think I should probably try and schedule some time each day to spend with God whether it’s through prayer, Bible studies, reading or a mix of it all. God needs to be first in my life in order for everything else to fall into its respective place.

It is so much easier to neglect things, including God when it’s just me. I realize that this is something I have to do so that I can start to do other things that are just for me as well. These small things now will definitely encourage me in the future.

I have…

Signed up for Flylady again. I used to do it when I was younger and it was wonderful to clean and de-clutter and know I wasn’t the only one living in chaos. I hope I benefit from it as much this time around as I did years and years ago. I have been struggling with “where to start” and Flylady takes the guesswork out of that. One can only hope she helps me organize and purge. I am ready to move forward, even if that means going backwards first!

I wrote an review for my friend Crystal’s website on a book I just read. Check out her blog at Little Birdie Reviews!

I will…

Get back to couponing and finding the good deals and being organized with my money as things are costing more and more.

Begin to sort and pack and have faith that everything will be done with as little stress as possible.

Create a plan for the next few months regarding big decisions as well as save up money for my flowers, paint, and overall décor for the changes I am making in my life.

Attempt to be more positive with things, even when I feel like hell and life seems daunting.

Live in love because it is the only way to truly show respect to not only humanity, but to myself.

Trust that I deserve the things I am saving for and the things I am striving to achieve.

I won’t…

Tell myself I am a failure when it seems as though nothing is done. I will do one thing at a time and accept that I can’t always achieve what I want to. I won’t beat myself up because of unrealistic goals.

Feel rushed to get married and start a family, instead I will have faith that things will happen when they are meant to.

Be reckless with my life, I deserve far more than I have given myself mentally and physically.

Beat myself up for my weight and not being in shape, I will continue to watch what I eat and begin to add in physical activity as I am able.

"Today is your day to begin, don’t give up here don’t you quit. The moment is now this is it. Know that you can then you will get to the top of the hill. Part of the fun is the climb you just gotta make up your mind. That today is your day and nothing can stand in your way. Today is your day everything’s going your way, today" ~Shania Twain

Opening My Eyes

Feeling…

Like I am falling, yet I know no matter how hard and how fast I feel that way that I am always going to be caught. Caught by those who love me physically, those who love me from the spiritual realm and caught by the hands of God Himself.

I may feel alone but I know deep down I am not.

For the first time in many years I feel hopeful for my future. Hopeful as a mother and as a future wife. I am excited to bring honor to my parents for raising me and excitement in instilling my personal morals and values into the children I have now as well as the children that my future undoubtedly holds.

I feel as though I can`t wait to be married and to start my life as a wife. I am beyond excited to think about cooking in “our” kitchen and baking things from scratch. Filling my hardworking husband, that the Lord has given me, full of delicious healthy food that screams to him how much I love him and our family.

Focusing on…

Devoting my life to God and to my family in His honor and through His teachings.

Furthering my education and continuing to research wholesale products and prices to start my own business so I can stay home with my children while still being an asset to the household not just by cooking and cleaning.

Purging my house and my life of the many items that only cause me clutter and chaos.

Getting back to framing the kids art, pictures and special moments and teaching them how to live each moment in kindness the way our Lord has asked us to be.

Learning…

That life doesn’t always give us what we want and that each of these moments is an experience to learn from not only for my life but for the lives of people around me, the people I counsel and those whom I love. Each of my experiences educates me on how to empathize with others who are in pain, who are living in fear, and who are edging it and prepared to give up.

Teaching…

The value of life, modesty, waiting for a husband, and being an asset to not only the household but to society to my children and to my peers through examples I am setting through my behaviour as well as through my life experiences.

Remembering…

That no matter what cards I am handed that I can either be positive or negative and that the only way to be happy and calm and to set an example that I can be proud of is to do my best to stay on God’s team and place Him in the headlights when I feel as though the world has become dark and dim.

If I can’t be positive I can do my best to stay neutral and leave the negative where it belongs.

I can stay calm and set an example of patience and kindness and unconditional love to all who enter my path.

The 11^th Commandment

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another as I have loved you, that you also love one another” ~John 13:34-35

Change

 It is raining out and…

I am trying to change my thought patterns to good instead of bad. I am happy that God is caring for the parched plants in my many pots and throughout the yard.

The apple trees are not just growing apples but some are almost done. I am excited to look for a recipe and hopefully be able to make a pie with the crab apples that have come in abundance with the mix of rain and heat.

The grape vines are also growing and unlike last year the fruit is growing. Maybe I will have enough this year to make homemade grape jelly!

The grass will have to wait yet another day to be mowed but that’s okay. I love the movement of it when the breeze hits. The snakes that enjoy hiding in the depths is reason enough to mow and weed eat, at least around the house.

The wildflowers are in full bloom in my field filling it with a crimson color floating atop the hay.

I finished reading…

Blowfly by Patricia Cornwell this week and I began to read her book Predator. They are both part of the Scarpetta series and I very much enjoy losing myself in these books for hours and days at a time.

I have found a full list of all the books in the series so I can add them to my wishlist.

I have decided…

To start praying again and to start studying the Bible again too. I am nervous about this prospect for some reason. I have grown accustomed to not having “God” to answer to but I feel called back into the Word and I know that my hiatus was a very interesting learning experience for me, but it is time to return to God and devote my life to Him.

I will be digging out my Bible studies and begin to finish them and send them in. In many ways walking away was easier than coming back, maybe because bad decisions offer temptation that appeals to the naughty side in each of us.

I must give my life to God and trust in Him to urge me in the right direction for my life.

I have so much to do…

Being sick and sore has really taken its toll. I have a very messy house to clean and organize and a lot of things to pack.

I have dirt to buy and plants to move and everything feels like its closing in. I would love to take everything that my grandma had touched but obviously that’s not possible. Sentimental value has so much importance regardless of how much stuff we accumulate. It is very hard to move forward at times. I have faith that a purge will only benefit me and my health, spiritually, mentally and physically.

I am thinking…

About starting to make jewelry and homemade cards and selling them online. I love to create and I feel this could be a good venture for me because of my abilities. I have so many ideas like custom order photo books/scrapbooks. Web design , photography and painting. I am sure I can keep busy and possibly make some money from things I already love to do. I question the return on investment. I must source things out before I get ahead of myself.

For now…

I will create a budget, source what I need and see if this is possible.

I will begin to pray and study the Bible again.

I will look forward instead of back.