Do It All Over Again

Handing…

Things over to God, to faith, to love and to life is something that I struggle with. I am learning a lesson these days in faith. I have my eyes closed and I cannot see. I have no clue where I am going or when. My life remains up in the air and I hate the lack of control. I took control of my life back in 2007 and for the first time I am relinquishing that control and trust. Trusting God, family and that I won’t get hurt again by any of these entities.

I have to remind myself that God wasn’t the one who let me down, who broke me, who stole my life. I have to remember that it was wolves in sheep’s clothing that did that to me. Manipulating the Word to suit their own needs. Manipulating it to abuse me, brainwash me and teach me that I am a failure and will never be good enough.

It took a long time…

To realize that I am good enough and to quit giving myself to people freely, to have self-respect and self-worth outside of having a status because of who I am with or why. I know I am worthy, I know I am valuable. I know I can do this because love is unconditional and that keeps me going.

I have a bad attitude…

So I have decided to try and change my attitude by getting rid of the stuff I can control, the clutter and chaos that make my life difficult. I have been holding onto things I really don’t like for a long time because they belonged to my grandma or grandpa and they literally become another thing that I have to move to sweep or vacuum around which means I either work really hard to get something done, or I do a half assed job or I procrastinate and don’t do any of it at all. In my case it’s the procrastinating that has been essentially ruining me and the way I live. I should be surrounded in things I love and only things I have room for without causing a mess.

Today I started in the porch. It’s a small room but a messy one because it has the cat litter and the sand from the dog’s feet. It was also a catch all for tools and recycling and anything else that needed to get out but had been sitting there so long it needed to be sorted again. I was able to get rid of a stereo and speakers that didn’t work, a VHS that didn’t work, yes that’s right a VHS!!! I put the tools in their respective box and moved them to the utility room where they belong and tossed away some stuff that has just been in there for the last 9 years. I don’t want to be a slave to the room or let it over power and discourage me, so I cleaned for half hour, got all that done and vacuumed the majority of the sand up. When the 30 minutes was up I walked away, leaving things as is so I can have a half hour break and go back in and finish without having to move stuff again in order to finish. It will definitely be nice to walk into the house and have an organized room to greet me!

I know that cleaning up won’t fix my bad attitude and language but it will make doing things around here a lot easier which should leave me less edgy and more willing to get up and do what’s needed when it needs it. I am not looking to have a perfect house but I am hopeful that I will have my house clean to a point where getting up to make a snack or a meal will be something I can do without having to clean for half hour first.

I have been stuck in this depression for so long and I feel like I finally am digging my way out.

Learning…

More about God, studying His Word and doing the bible studies I have been procrastinating. I need to start doing these again. They make me a better person. They help me to feel good about myself and about my life. I am eager to learn His Word, I always have been I just wish I could read and absorb the way others seem to. I know that one day I will be the woman of God and the God loving wife that I was created to be. I hold much excitement for my future; I also have a great deal of anxiety.

I fear…

Change and losing control over what little I can control. I fear being left alone so I push others away first. I fear being hurt so I take the first strike. I fear that people look at me and see my flaws and my deepest secrets instead of the intelligent person that I am. I guess I fear people looking at me the way I look at myself. Changing my ways and my outlook and my education will benefit me in a positive way. It is hard to not be self-conscious when I am so far from who I know I can be. I wonder if others see my potential or if they see my failures the way I do. That is likely a question I don’t want to know the answer to. Maybe I am not fearful of failing in the eyes of others but instead fearful of failing myself.

I’m excited…

For the future knowing that I have the tools in my hand to reach my full potential as a mother and one day a wife, I realize I won’t ever be perfect because no one is perfect, but I know that through hard work, changes in habit and the unconditional love I receive from my husband and from my God that I will thrive, I will learn and I will grow each and every day!

One day…

I hope to realize that I am living my dream and not just dreaming it.

I hope to find happiness without having to look.

I will be proud to be me, whoever “me” is!

I Walk

I remember…

The first time I loved something and lost it and how much it hurt my heart, even if it was for just a few short days. I still have regrets about my guinea pig being given away because I didn’t take good enough care of it at such a young age. Small losses are a blessing that prepare us for the inevitable big losses later in our lives. The bigger losses are often felt like a blow and tend to make people go one of two ways, the first way being turning to faith and prayer and strengthening their relationship with God and the second is them blaming god and turning away from faith, religion and God, altogether.

The blessing…

Is hidden deep within the loss as we grow stronger and into better people who love, care, feel, empathize and thank our Lord and Saviour for the small moments, no matter how short they were, each and every day.

This leaves…

Each of us to be even more grateful for the bigger things in life because we are supported during those small times, we are strengthened through His Holy Name and we are able to keep grounded in the faith in which we naturally dwell.

Moments of happiness to be cherished, moments of pain to not be forgotten and each moment in between to be given to our Creator.

I walk…

Through the depths of shallow waters and know that I am part of this world; The sand between my toes, the water lapping at my ankles and the sounds of nature all around, reminding me that I am alive.

With God by my side and when I try to run from Him I am followed as He waits for me to pick myself up and hand life over to Him once again. He is all knowing, all mighty and His love is unconditional and it often takes us a lot of falls in order to strengthen our relationship with Him into something one can trust.

It’s…

Not about scripture or who knows history the most. It is about following in His footsteps, living with a servants’ heart and finally accepting that His presence is always there as He waits to guide you and begs you to get to know Him.

The only way to happiness and real joy that can’t be taken away from you because your value isn’t placed in the objects around you but instead the love in which you receive from both our God in Heaven and those who we are blessed to have in our lives in the physical realm as well.

Today…

I got sick of spending money on premade things and decided that I would make pizza crust for our lunch instead of buying one. It turned out yummy even though I slightly over kneaded the dough. A premade pizza crust or a box of pizza dough and sauce is between 5 and 8 dollars, not including toppings. Today I bought yeast for 5 dollars, sugar for 2 dollars and flour for five dollars. Obviously it would have been cheaper had I went for bulk. I needed a couple tablespoons of canola oil and some salt and ten minutes later I was spreading out fresh dough! It’s these simple moments that I feel the most blessed in. To think I made pizza dough for a matter of only a few cents and a complete pizza for about 2 dollars and to know exactly what is in it and what isn’t in it is a wonderful feeling. I filled the hungry tummies around the dining room table while saving lots of money! I must add the fresh pizza dough was more filling then premade ones and we ended up eating far less. I figured we would be cutting it close for portions and we ended up with over half a pizza left! God is good! I am so blessed to have my eyes opening up to the simplicities of life once again. I have missed this part of me.

Tomorrow…

If the weather is good I think I will make some fresh bread instead of going to the farmers market (although I do enjoy giving these lovely men and women money for delicious foods and for encouraging us through the Lord). I used to make bread and cinnamon rolls and everything you can imagine over and over again. I had lost the motivation but God is working in me and I am finding the housewife in me coming back.

My prayer…

For others is that they will too find the Lord and continue their journey of faith and happiness with Him. Even when they can’t see the light that they may know it is there, He never leaves us.

For me, is to get married and start my family and to live a Christ based life where I can focus on the children I am sure we shall have and to focus on my husband and God and church and the simple things that come from keeping our lives “clutter” free from the chaos of debt, possessions and negative emotions.

For now…

At least it all looks good on paper!

Tears

Some days…

I wonder what’s wrong with me and why the tears don’t stop flowing. When I should be rejoicing in the glory of God and the gift that we all have an open invitation into the heavens I think to myself that I am a lowly sinner, why do I deserve such special care?

I realize that I am a child of God and that I am created in His likeness and that I spread His Word, I pray to Him for thanks, I pray in sorrow. I live my life (most of the time) offering thanks to Him for all that I have and for all that I don’t have.

Then…

I think it is too good to be true, the pain and anguish of having a living God and eternal life is overwhelming. I fear living another 27 years in hell the way I already have, I fear the rest of my life regardless of whether He is in it or not and the idea of “life” after death is even more worrisome if it comes with this pain.

This pain that knows only loss and grief. This pain that hurts into my soul and causes the tears to flow. The knowledge that someone will die and the feelings that I am responsible despite my knowing that life and death is up to God and God alone.

I hope to not be blamed again by others because I have been blamed in the past. I have been blamed for the death of people even when I am miles away all because I thought it, I dreamt it, I knew ahead of time.

I have predicted death, war, cause of death, accidents.

I see the lost souls of people and have to tell them they are dead to go into the light. I am touched nearly every night by a little girl who misses her mommy. She plays with my hair as I sit here and watch TV or chat. Her little fingers making my head tingle where she touches as her energy connects with mine each night before her bedtime. She doesn’t want to go to the other side. She wants to stay here and wait on her mom who is long since gone on. You think parenting a living child is hard; imagine convincing one who is no longer in the physical realm. In a sense I have adopted her. Or, maybe I am naïve in saying that and she has adopted me.

I…

Have this pain deep within me that I can’t quite explain. It is like energy is tearing through my body and wringing me out emotionally. I am sure everyone who knows me has noticed that I am far sterner and less flexible in my ability to “accept”.

On a happier note…

My plans to take things a step at a time are working better than I had thought. It is hard to say I love myself, because I really don’t, but I have hope that maybe one day I will. The people around me tell me they love me, so maybe I should love me too.

I have started the insane and dreaded daunting task of cleaning up and getting things organized. I know it’s only been a few days or weeks since I have decided I am moving and I have to do all this stuff but I think it is for the best. I realized by looking around here that the perfectionist in me was never going to get anything done because it couldn’t go from 0 to 10 with the limitations I have right now. So I started to just take a couple of minutes a few times a day and fill a bag or box with items for either the trash, to pack, or to donate. I have an ever growing pile both inside and out, slowly but surely it is getting done a few minutes at a time. The Christmas tree is still up. The one time of year I hate the most and I have a reminder of it smack in the middle of my house.

Taking down that tree gives me anxiety. It’s never bothered me before. Usually it goes up the day after thanksgiving and is taken down on Boxing Day. This year taking it down is symbolic for some reason. Like the black tree represents something deeper emotionally that I haven’t been able to pinpoint quite yet. Only one ornament has broken between thanksgiving and now. Not bad considering I have a cat and two dogs.

Finding…

That to live, laugh and love are harder words to live by then all the ornaments in the world would suggest.

Hoping…

That one day I can live by those three words and that the unconditional love I have for those around me is enough to allow “live” and “laugh” to come to me in the genuine sense of the words.

Maybe one day I will find happiness, or at least have a taste of it, so I know what everyone always talks about. My happiness scale never goes beyond content. I can’t recall a time in my life where I was ever jubilant over anything or for nothing. I can’t define happiness because it is something I have never experienced. I have always been serious, the observer, the one who absorbs the pains of those around me so that they can find happiness in the turmoil that the world sets before us. Carrying the weight of other peoples’ pains and knowing that sacrificing me to take away even an ounce of hurt is worth the hurt I feel each day.

I want…

To be held and comforted and to know that each day I wake up is worth waking up for. I want to know I am not alone in the pain I feel because someone loves me enough to hold me, to whisper in my ear everything will be okay and that we will get through it through prayer and Gods’ grace.

To no longer fear the inevitable.

To allow the key that I have held all this time to slip into the lock and remove the shackles that I wore for so much of my life and for my raw flesh to be caressed and kissed and healed by the person that God has created just for me.

To be married and not have to worry about fighting and bickering because we are a united front on the same page ethically, morally, spiritually.

To look inside myself so I can find who I really am beyond the depths that I am forever trapped in.

To be me, whoever that is!

“Hands over my head thinking 'what else could go wrong?'

Would've stayed in bed, how can a day be so long?

Never believed that things happen for a reason

But how this turned out, you moved all my doubts, oh believe

That for you I'll do it all over again

Do it all over again

All I went through, led me to you

So I'd do it all over again

For you”

~Bruno Mars, Again~

These Days

Today…

I feel like I have failed in my journey to help the people I care about. I feel like the pain that those who care about me are experiencing is my fault because I am unable to save them from the pains of yesterday or the hurt that may come with tomorrow.

My heart aches because of how far we have come and how quickly things fall apart and old habits that were thought to be gone come back with a vengeance.

I am trying to focus on the good that can only come from my experiences and failures as a friend and family member. I am able to see I can’t fix it all when someone isn’t willing to accept help.

I hand over the pain and sorrows of my past, present and future to God because I know He is the only one who will bring peace to my heart and salvation to my soul. I know that he recognizes my good deeds and my intentions and doesn’t focus on the parts of me that aren’t perfect.

I tell myself I am perfect because I am created by God in His likeness. My downfalls are human but my being is purely divine. I will not settle for my world being full of chaos and ugliness.

I realize deep within my soul that I deserve to be happy and content and now that I have had this epiphany I intend to act on it.

Yesterday…

Caused me so much pain because of lies and my trust being broken yet again.

I pondered where I went wrong but I already know that it wasn’t in my control and it never was.

I made choices that impact me today and tomorrow and everyday thereafter in a way so profound that only peace and joy can be seen on the horizon.

Tomorrow…

I will continue on this journey called life the same as I have today. I will set goals and I will follow through. I will make plans and stay true to my word.

I may find heartbreak and pain along this broken road but just because there are bumps doesn’t mean I won’t reach the destiny I was created to achieve.

Right Now…

I will throw my hands up in the air and hand my life over to God because trying to do everything on my own hasn’t been working and I know that ONLY God can handle all the negative things that bog me down and replace them with learning experiences, wisdom, joy and the unconditional love He has promised.

Finding Health

I’ve realized…

That love is always enough, but the difference between love and lust is respect and where respect is lacking in a relationship then you are left with nothing but lust, and dreams that can never come true.

I shouldn’t be made to feel jealous or anxious over an inanimate object. I should be first in the life of the person who claims to love me. I shouldn’t be lied to, I shouldn’t be neglected and I shouldn’t be abandoned for a couple of drinks.

If someone is willing to place objects or desires before their “love” for me then it’s not real love and I don’t want it anyway. I am human, I have emotions and I have far more value to the lives around me then any object ever can.

I’ve tried…

To deal with my jealousy over alcohol and to leave the questions about why I am not good enough to fulfill ones needs and it is, yet I can’t get past this hurt and people can’t get past knowingly causing me that worry and pain.

To help and make recommendations that fell on deaf ears despite the fact that I was told I was the only one who could make these issues go away. I have tried and for the first time I have failed.

Being supportive and to encourage healthy options like counselling, yet I once again fail.

Why…

Should I continue to fight for someone when they don’t fight for themselves?

Should I feel pain and worry on a daily basis and live in fear of fights or setting someone off?

Should I allow myself to be beaten down mentally and emotionally by someone who is selfish enough to only care about what makes them feel good?

Do I care at all when it hurts so darn bad?

I am moving on…

And getting rid of the people who cause me so much worry and hurt. I have enough of that without inviting it in.

I am going to restart actively looking for the person God has intended for me to marry so that I can begin my life and be happy.

I am quitting my job as mother to men twice my age. I am a mother and the kids are often better behaved and less embarrassing then these “adults” who claim to need and want my help.

It is time…

To live for myself, my children and most of all God. If you don’t fit into my life without causing strife then you are no longer welcome to be a part of me and who I hope to one day become.

To love myself unconditionally because if I can’t love myself the way the Lord intended how can I expect someone else to?

To rest and heal so that I can better my life and my surroundings without being made to feel guilty.

God is…

Love and since I am created in His likeness I am also love.

I am…

Excited to begin this journey and walk this path. It has been laid before me for a reason and unless I take the first step I will never know what comes when I take the last.

Don't Give Up!

Today…

I had some small accomplishments despite being in intense pain. I was able to get some grocery shopping done. I got in a little bit of exercise today thanks to parking. I was in pain but managed to carry a couple of weeks’ worth of meat uphill an entire block to the car. I shopped in three different stores and despite having to stop several times I think I did fairly well.

I spoiled myself…

With a new cookbook! Somehow this excites me. I am missing baking and cooking so much for my family and I am eager to get back in the kitchen to make breads and cakes and drinks all from scratch. It wasn’t all that long ago that my favorite recipes were in my head and I had never thought I could or would forget. Since it’s been just me I have forgot all those recipes and don’t even own most of the ingredients. This cookbook somehow gives me hope that I will be married soon and that I will be feeding my husband and children. I am excited!!

I still haven’t…

Picked up the Bible or pulled out my Bible studies. I want to but something inside of me is holding me back. I know I must pull them out and start doing them in order to continue where I left off in developing my relationship with the Lord. I think I should probably try and schedule some time each day to spend with God whether it’s through prayer, Bible studies, reading or a mix of it all. God needs to be first in my life in order for everything else to fall into its respective place.

It is so much easier to neglect things, including God when it’s just me. I realize that this is something I have to do so that I can start to do other things that are just for me as well. These small things now will definitely encourage me in the future.

I have…

Signed up for Flylady again. I used to do it when I was younger and it was wonderful to clean and de-clutter and know I wasn’t the only one living in chaos. I hope I benefit from it as much this time around as I did years and years ago. I have been struggling with “where to start” and Flylady takes the guesswork out of that. One can only hope she helps me organize and purge. I am ready to move forward, even if that means going backwards first!

I wrote an review for my friend Crystal’s website on a book I just read. Check out her blog at Little Birdie Reviews!

I will…

Get back to couponing and finding the good deals and being organized with my money as things are costing more and more.

Begin to sort and pack and have faith that everything will be done with as little stress as possible.

Create a plan for the next few months regarding big decisions as well as save up money for my flowers, paint, and overall décor for the changes I am making in my life.

Attempt to be more positive with things, even when I feel like hell and life seems daunting.

Live in love because it is the only way to truly show respect to not only humanity, but to myself.

Trust that I deserve the things I am saving for and the things I am striving to achieve.

I won’t…

Tell myself I am a failure when it seems as though nothing is done. I will do one thing at a time and accept that I can’t always achieve what I want to. I won’t beat myself up because of unrealistic goals.

Feel rushed to get married and start a family, instead I will have faith that things will happen when they are meant to.

Be reckless with my life, I deserve far more than I have given myself mentally and physically.

Beat myself up for my weight and not being in shape, I will continue to watch what I eat and begin to add in physical activity as I am able.

"Today is your day to begin, don’t give up here don’t you quit. The moment is now this is it. Know that you can then you will get to the top of the hill. Part of the fun is the climb you just gotta make up your mind. That today is your day and nothing can stand in your way. Today is your day everything’s going your way, today" ~Shania Twain

Opening My Eyes

Feeling…

Like I am falling, yet I know no matter how hard and how fast I feel that way that I am always going to be caught. Caught by those who love me physically, those who love me from the spiritual realm and caught by the hands of God Himself.

I may feel alone but I know deep down I am not.

For the first time in many years I feel hopeful for my future. Hopeful as a mother and as a future wife. I am excited to bring honor to my parents for raising me and excitement in instilling my personal morals and values into the children I have now as well as the children that my future undoubtedly holds.

I feel as though I can`t wait to be married and to start my life as a wife. I am beyond excited to think about cooking in “our” kitchen and baking things from scratch. Filling my hardworking husband, that the Lord has given me, full of delicious healthy food that screams to him how much I love him and our family.

Focusing on…

Devoting my life to God and to my family in His honor and through His teachings.

Furthering my education and continuing to research wholesale products and prices to start my own business so I can stay home with my children while still being an asset to the household not just by cooking and cleaning.

Purging my house and my life of the many items that only cause me clutter and chaos.

Getting back to framing the kids art, pictures and special moments and teaching them how to live each moment in kindness the way our Lord has asked us to be.

Learning…

That life doesn’t always give us what we want and that each of these moments is an experience to learn from not only for my life but for the lives of people around me, the people I counsel and those whom I love. Each of my experiences educates me on how to empathize with others who are in pain, who are living in fear, and who are edging it and prepared to give up.

Teaching…

The value of life, modesty, waiting for a husband, and being an asset to not only the household but to society to my children and to my peers through examples I am setting through my behaviour as well as through my life experiences.

Remembering…

That no matter what cards I am handed that I can either be positive or negative and that the only way to be happy and calm and to set an example that I can be proud of is to do my best to stay on God’s team and place Him in the headlights when I feel as though the world has become dark and dim.

If I can’t be positive I can do my best to stay neutral and leave the negative where it belongs.

I can stay calm and set an example of patience and kindness and unconditional love to all who enter my path.

The 11^th Commandment

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another as I have loved you, that you also love one another” ~John 13:34-35

Change

 It is raining out and…

I am trying to change my thought patterns to good instead of bad. I am happy that God is caring for the parched plants in my many pots and throughout the yard.

The apple trees are not just growing apples but some are almost done. I am excited to look for a recipe and hopefully be able to make a pie with the crab apples that have come in abundance with the mix of rain and heat.

The grape vines are also growing and unlike last year the fruit is growing. Maybe I will have enough this year to make homemade grape jelly!

The grass will have to wait yet another day to be mowed but that’s okay. I love the movement of it when the breeze hits. The snakes that enjoy hiding in the depths is reason enough to mow and weed eat, at least around the house.

The wildflowers are in full bloom in my field filling it with a crimson color floating atop the hay.

I finished reading…

Blowfly by Patricia Cornwell this week and I began to read her book Predator. They are both part of the Scarpetta series and I very much enjoy losing myself in these books for hours and days at a time.

I have found a full list of all the books in the series so I can add them to my wishlist.

I have decided…

To start praying again and to start studying the Bible again too. I am nervous about this prospect for some reason. I have grown accustomed to not having “God” to answer to but I feel called back into the Word and I know that my hiatus was a very interesting learning experience for me, but it is time to return to God and devote my life to Him.

I will be digging out my Bible studies and begin to finish them and send them in. In many ways walking away was easier than coming back, maybe because bad decisions offer temptation that appeals to the naughty side in each of us.

I must give my life to God and trust in Him to urge me in the right direction for my life.

I have so much to do…

Being sick and sore has really taken its toll. I have a very messy house to clean and organize and a lot of things to pack.

I have dirt to buy and plants to move and everything feels like its closing in. I would love to take everything that my grandma had touched but obviously that’s not possible. Sentimental value has so much importance regardless of how much stuff we accumulate. It is very hard to move forward at times. I have faith that a purge will only benefit me and my health, spiritually, mentally and physically.

I am thinking…

About starting to make jewelry and homemade cards and selling them online. I love to create and I feel this could be a good venture for me because of my abilities. I have so many ideas like custom order photo books/scrapbooks. Web design , photography and painting. I am sure I can keep busy and possibly make some money from things I already love to do. I question the return on investment. I must source things out before I get ahead of myself.

For now…

I will create a budget, source what I need and see if this is possible.

I will begin to pray and study the Bible again.

I will look forward instead of back.

Weathered

Teetering violently on the edge of life and death I wonder if being gone will be less of a burden to those around me if I just let myself fall off the edge completely. It’s been quite some time since I have felt so desperate, so frustrated, so misunderstood. I forgot for a short while how it felt to hate myself so much. Unfortunately that loathing has come back with a vengeance all of its own and I hate myself more now than I ever have before. 

I look at my scars and I wonder why I am still alive. I wonder if next time the scars will go deep enough to end things once and for all. I glance around the house and know it wouldn’t be hard to end this pain and every moment the temptation becomes stronger and more intense. One moment I am looking forward to the future and the next I am looking forward to the end. I am like a yo-yo and I hate it. I hate myself more because of it. 

I can’t win. 

I think it is fair to say that I am very much feeling like I am under attack by everyone and everything. My dreams haunt me while I am awake just as much as they do while I am asleep. I am exhausted all the time both physically and mentally because of the constant anguish that has become the only consistent thing in my life. I trust a few people but when paranoia strikes it strikes deep and I even begin to doubt that. Like everyone is out to hurt me. History is bound to repeat itself so I pull away and retreat into my shell where I feel ridiculously safe from the fear of those around me hurting me the way I have been hurt so many times before. 

I have come to know that I am my own worst enemy, sabotaging myself and the relationships I have with others out of pure genuine fear. What have I become? Why do I feel like being six feet under would be so much better? Who would even miss me and my constant whining? I am at a loss for answers and maybe that’s for the best.

Detaching from those around me seems to be the only thing I am half decent at. I am otherwise useless at pretty much everything tossed my way. With crushed dreams and a broken heart it’s impossible to find the physical and mental energy to achieve anything. I just want to sleep. Sleep sounds good. I miss sleeping all day and night not caring about the rest of the world. Now I am involved and I am in pain.

So much pain…

The tears flow freely brought on by the present and the stresses of the season. I look in the mirror and I am disgusted by who looks back. I am a murderer. I am a bitch. I am gone. I feel the chains tightly encasing my wrists and my ankles, the collar locked tightly on my throat making swallowing a chore. I remember it all and I wonder if anything other than my tears will ever truly be free?!

“The sun shines and I can't avoid the light
I think I'm holding on to life too tight
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust
Sometimes I feel like giving up
Yeah, I say... Sometimes I feel like giving up” –Creed

Fallen

Yesterday I walked down the row in the cemetery in which my grandma lays and I approached her headstone with little emotion or feeling. I wiped the freshly cut grass off the headstone that was blocking some of the writing and I wondered when my grandpa’s side would be filled in. On the stone they have a sketch of their home and property from the lake and it looks like they used my drawing of the property as their outline for the etching. I am not sure how I feel about that.

I still couldn’t talk to Todd; I couldn’t fix the light I placed from being crooked. Too many emotions right now wrapped up in certain people. 

I was able to stand at the cross that marks the grave of a friend I briefly dated when I was oh so young. Someone placed an angel statue next to the cross that marks his resting place and the angel was covered in grass. I had to pick her up and wipe her clean and pull the long grass surrounding his marker and the angel away, then returning the freshened up angel to the place where she was set by someone who cared enough to get it. It was hard to stand over his grave and clean it up, knowing that only a few feet below me was his burnt body from the flames that killed him. 

I care. I care to a fault at times. I care to my own detriment. I hate that about me. I hate feeling responsible, especially for the dead. Each one of them is like my own child. It’s like I have adopted these graves to clean because I don’t have markers of my own to visit and care for. My babies are lost now and forever with no place to mourn except in my head. 

As a mother this has been a very hard couple of weeks for me. My cousin crashed his plane 2 weeks ago on Saturday and amazingly lived. He scalped himself, broke his neck, burnt his feet in fuel, and somehow still managed to get out of the plane and onto the pontoon. He has no memory of what happened before or after. Not until he was in the hospital.

It devastates me because as a mother I can’t imagine getting that news over the radio. Not knowing where my child is and then hearing that he has been located and is alive. The long ride to the hospital and then the longer ride to the city, six hours wondering and worried if your child is still alive, if he will be paralyzed or not, if he will heal, as a mother I cannot imagine the anguish, the fear and the prayers that would have been going through my mind on that journey, as a mother I cannot imagine feeling so out of control.

I have been strong since I found out, until yesterday that is. Now the planes flying over my house give me nightmares and visions of the crash and feelings of trepidation and panic that my cousin must have been experiencing as he realized he was going down. The thought of swimming or even seeing the lake makes me sick, the one place I have always felt safe and secure is the water and now I look at it like a jail cell that has no air. I wonder if he struggled to get out of the plane or if he jumped before impact. I wonder if he was trapped under water. I am thinking about everyone who I have heard of around here who has drowned and the ultimate panic you must feel as you know that you cannot breathe and if you don’t breach the surface soon you never will. I think about the burns on my cousins’ feet and the irony that he was burnt by fuel because he was in the water. Water is supposed to protect us from flames and heat and burns, yet his feet sat in the fuel that floated atop the water burning him regardless of the water surrounding his crash site. 

I personally need answers; I need to know how this happened and why. I need to know so things can go back to normal, so I can trust the planes overhead not to fall out of the sky and hurt anyone else, so I can feel safe in the water instead of fearing what it contains and how dangerous it truly is.

I don’t know how to move on and heal when I don’t know what it is I am moving on from. I wasn’t close to him; if I was I likely would be less traumatized. It’s the not knowing that hurts and cuts so deep. 
He has been released from the hospital for a week already and although he has a long journey to heal ahead of him I am sure he is healing. I don’t understand why I get stuck in these places, with these thoughts, unable to move forward and heal and grieve. This is just another thing that leaves me locked in the shackles that bind me to the place in my mind that ensures that I am never safe.

I wonder how you fall out of the sky and have the dumb luck to be found and rescued before you have even been reported as missing. Right now I wonder a lot of things. I wish I could attribute good fortune to the hand of god but it’s hard to say it was god who protected him when it is the same god that allowed his plane to fall in the first place.

My glass is perpetually half empty.

Laws

I had a rather interesting conversation this evening about human rights, parades, protests and breaking the law to get your point across. It was brought to my attention from the side that doesn’t believe that these things shouldn't occur, that many times these events illicit nudity and other crime that is inappropriate for both adults and children to witness. I can’t argue with that as we have all seen it. 

However, I do argue that sometimes laws need to be broken in order for there to be a demand for change to be taken seriously. When we go back into recent history we have many people who broke laws to help their race or color. An example I used was Rosa Parks and her refusal as a black woman to move to the back of the bus for a white person. By law she had to but she downright refused and because of her bravery and action and breaking the law change is still rippling through the continent as people of different races, religions and sexual preferences all were given a voice because of people like her. 

I also pointed out that many states not only have sodomy as a law but they have also prosecuted and given gay men jail time for having consensual sex. Many straight couples enjoy sex in all of those interesting ways and are never prosecuted because it is easy to just assume that everything is missionary style between man and wife. 

Another interesting law has to do with sex toys, like vibrators, whips, restraints, etc. In many places owning these things for a purpose outside of being a novelty is illegal. This means that if the police bust down your door and find your vibrator in your bedside table or dresser drawer you are breaking the law, but if you have your toys hanging on the walls, sitting out on the shelves as though they were decoration you are fine as this implies “novelty”. This is why many websites or stores say “novelty item only”. 

I believe that what I want to do in my bedroom is my business and no governing force should have any choice in what goes on between consenting adults. It sickens me that I am Christian and I am ashamed of it because of the way Christians are known to pass judgement and hate towards groups of people based solely on who or what that person is. We are taught that “he who is without sin may cast the first stone” yet Christians seems to forget this. We are told “judge not lest ye be judged”, again forgotten. We are told “another commandment I give to you, that you love one another as I have loved you, that you also love one another” and here we sit living surrounded by people who preach these words and know exactly where they are in the bible, people who claim to be Christian but forget immediately that it doesn’t say not to love certain people. It says love everyone and to leave judgement up to God.

Those of us who truly leave it up to God are few and far between. One can only hope that people change their mind sooner than later about race, religion, sexual preference, etc. so that we can live in a world with a united front.

The bullying needs to stop, the anger and hate needs to end, and love needs to be given a fair chance at life. Until then remind yourself of love, even if you’re not religious no one can experience or give too much love. 

You Learn

As I look around the house and yard pondering where to begin the final clean up and what can be packed away now and what needs to wait I think about how alone I am. Two sets of hands are always better than one and the amount of chaos around me, under me, above me and in the sheds outside is overwhelming to say the least. I am also realizing just how much pain I am actually in. My body aches deep into its core causing moans of pain, shudders as my body reacts to the pain and goose-bumps as I am completely overwhelmed by it all. 

It’s been a few days since I wrote that first paragraph, nothing has changed though. I squared away some paperwork and got some things, like my coupons, organized. I am still being the professional procrastinator that I have grown to be. I have dreams of grandeur and no money or means to do any of it. I do feel like I am heading in the right direction by stepping backwards for now. Hopefully, I will be married soon and I can get back to the life I have always dreamed about and wanted. 

Simplicity. Is that really too much to ask for?

They finally placed a headstone on my grandma’s grave. I haven’t gone to see it yet but when I drive by and see it I feel nothing at all. No desire to pull in and take a peek. I feel worse that I don’t care then I do about her being gone. I still feel when I go to visit my cousin Todd that she is watching me and judging me and hating me the way she did when she was alive. I wish she wasn’t buried so close to him because I now feel like our private talks aren’t so private, like she is listening, watching and judging my every thought. 

Sometimes I wonder why I am so dead inside about certain things or people and other times I am crying about something completely ridiculous or that has nothing to do with me. I think the loss of a child is the hardest thing and because I empathize with that I am hurt the most by it. It is so easy to bawl my eyes out to a soap opera because someone lost their baby because I can relate to that feeling, even though they are acting.

I am in emotional turmoil most days of the year because I am thinking of my angels and where they are at and how I am not there. I know they are in a better place than earth but it brings little healing to the hole in my heart where each of them should reside. I tend to believe that people who had the opportunity to meet their children before the child left the physical realm shouldn’t feel so much devastation because they had those moments, those memories that I never got. I know that’s not a fair or rational way of thinking though. I know that loss is loss and it hurts no matter the stage of life. I am envious that I don’t know what my children looked like, what color their eyes were, their hair, and the sound of their giggles. I have no pictures to reflect back on and nowhere to go when I need to mourn.

Is it any easier to have those things? I reckon it isn’t. I reckon that driving by a cemetery every day and knowing your child is six feet under rotting and being consumed by bugs is just as hard as it is for me to have nothing. I would like to think that these parents, these mothers, remember their children in a better light, in the smiles, giggles, and cry’s and pictures. The images emblazoned into their mind for all of time.

I know deep down we are both haunted in different ways. I also know that the guilt and anguish is the exact same. Pain is pain, the cause or thoughts behind it are fairly irrelevant. I see mothers who have lost their children in the last couple of years and how broken they are, how their soul went with their child and I can empathize, I can understand how easy it is to quit caring and go through the motions of life with absolutely no clue or care about anything around you except for the fact that you are in pain.

“Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn.” –C.S. Lewis

MIA- Missing in Action

I haven’t written in a while which is odd for me considering I have been doing more. I guess I am trying to passively avoid how I am feeling and touching on the hundreds of subjects wandering about my thoughts. Sometimes the pain is so great in the depths of ones’ soul that you shouldn’t try and express it, rather you need to experience it, feel it, ride the inevitable wave back to solid ground and have hope that when you hit that you are no worse for wear then when you started. 

There was a storm yesterday. Thunder and lightning most of the day causing my power to be out so I went out, when I returned the rock cuts had waterfalls pouring from them down onto the road, forcing traffic over into the next lane, not knowing if we were going to fall into a watery grave or hit a fallen boulder. It is interesting how we need water in order to survive but it can so easily steal your life from you, in only a few short seconds. That in which we relish, we also fear. I suppose that is what makes each of us human.

As I write this the rain has picked up again watering the plants, nurturing the fruit trees and making the cat look 5 pounds lighter. If only I could look half my size when out in the rain, I would pray for rain every day!!! The cat doesn’t mind the rain though like most cats. She seems to enjoy it, at least the fact that she tries to shower with me makes me believe she enjoys a good rain. The poor thing can’t manage to stay attached to the roof though as the water flows off; it tends to bring her with it. She hasn’t got hurt by this, yet, but her ego sure feels it.

My medication got screwed up rather badly this week, making me feel quite sick. I am pleased that this week I get to rest for the most part and get back on track with things. I hope that I will feel better once everything is back the way it should be. 

I bought all of my plants (I think) for this summer. I have decided to plant nothing new in the ground this year and see what comes up from the last couple of years instead. I bought several different things to fill my big flower pots. I had planned to plant them this weekend but the rain hasn’t been too kind, so I will wait a day or two. A morning glory has already decided where it will be planted as it has started its long ascent up the trellis without any prompting. Growing up, I used to get up every morning and run outside to check my morning glories! By the time lunch came around the flowers would be well on their way to closed for the day and I would have another long night of waiting and hoping I didn’t miss them the next morning.

The water is still cold, I walked on the beach the other day and when I got into the lake up to about my knees the cold started to hurt into my bones. Unless I plan to swim in only six inches of water, the lake is not ready for me, yet. Soon enough I will be diving off of docks and not caring about the cold. I feel natural in water, I feel weightless, and I feel like it is where I belong. I feel like I am me.

School will be out soon and life will become more hectic than I like. Simple things like going to the store become an issue because of all the people and their bratty children making so much noise and closing in on me. The added population here in the summer is enough to drive anyone nuts, never mind someone who already gets bad social anxiety. I have driven to stores before and been overwhelmed by the amount of vehicles in the parking lot and left without even shutting the car off. Anxiety is a very strange thing as it creeps up on you when you don’t expect it, and when you do expect it and feel prepared it never shows its face. It’s like when your car is making a funny noise until the mechanic checks it out and calls you crazy.

The past weeks I have had many cries, many emotions both good and bad. I have dreamt of life, death and everything in between. I have had astral dreams which were just weird to say the least and I have felt pain deeper than I have ever before. Just when it feels overwhelming, too much to bare I somehow muster up strength I didn’t know existed within me and I continue to survive, to live.

I just don’t know why…

“Learning is not child's play; we cannot learn without pain” --Aristotle

Thou Shalt Not Kill

“Thou shalt not kill”

I think most people take this fairly literally, meaning murder, do not take someone’s live. However, when I was in school and learning about the Ten Commandments I was taught that reading between the lines in the Bible can go an awfully long way to have a life you are proud of. 

We were taught that this meant killing things through bullying, through anger, hate, rage, fear. Killing someone’s hopes and dreams, ending a relationship or marriage for our own amusement is all a way to break this commandment. You do not need to physically end a life to kill someone spiritually, to degrade them and injure them emotionally until they are broken or spiritually dead. 

I am not sure why this part of my religion class stuck with me. Maybe because I had been bullied, maybe because it was true, or maybe just so I could write about it today. So many things cross my mind when I hear these words. Like most of the Biblical teachings it is definitely one that needs to be taken literally and applied metaphorically to everyday situations as well.

I doubt I have ever met a person who has never killed something inside of someone one way or another, intentional or not, legal or not. I am sure we have all done it without thinking, just like we have all had it done to us. I doubt it will take much thought for anyone to recall a specific moment when they changed who they were because of ridicule or disrespect or even fear. 

This isn’t a crash course in religion, because let’s face it most people could care less about what the bible teaches. This is about treating everyone with respect, regardless of whom or what they are or represent. I don’t care if you are inside out and backwards you deserve to be treated the way I want to be treated. You deserve to be given opportunity, love –unconditionally, encouragement in your endeavors. 

I am going to keep this short today and end it by asking everyone who reads this to not only think of a time where they killed some spark within someone else and I am going to lastly as you to acknowledge a time where you killed something within yourself. Without understanding where we go wrong, we have no way to become better. Look in the mirror and face that bad so the good within each of you can shine through.

Love, Hurt and Gods Will

Where do you begin when you feel as though the world is crashing down around you and it will never be the same again because each moment of each day, every decision, or lack of decision changes the course of your life and the lives of everyone around you in one way or another forever? 

The tears today are pouring longer, harder and faster than they have in years. I feel so broken down knowing that things are rapidly changing, people are moving, others preparing to die, kids are growing up and nothing is the same today as it was yesterday and tomorrow things will be different than they were today. 

I don’t know how elderly people did it. They went from horses and buggy’s and corner stores and crops to cars, condos and chaos. They watched the King die and our Queen take over, they lived through oil lights and outhouses to TV, colored TV, and computers and phones and technology and for the most part they have all adapted to their new surroundings and faired rather well. They have watched senseless deaths, lost parents, siblings and children and as they age their friends drop off so quickly slapping them in the face with the realization that they are staring their own mortality in the face yet they manage to wake up each day and move forward. I envy that.

“Well your faith was strong but you needed proof”—Leonard Cohen

When Christmas came this year I was so not prepared. I literally had been up for several days and had gotten nothing done. After the holidays were over I crashed. I stayed home for nearly 8 weeks without leaving for any reason. Something in me changed this year. Maybe the realization that everyone has grown, maybe my realization that I have been so naïve all these years and listened to the church and the Bible instead of my own soul about things, or maybe it was just the fact that I know that these are moments we will never get back and that I am quickly aging and going nowhere fast.

Love is beautiful, it is painful, sad, happy, tragic and yet we crave it, we need to be loved and to give love in return because it’s those people whom we love that we can truly be ourselves around. You can break down and cry your heart out, you can say hurtful things and be forgiven before they escape your lips.

Love, real love, is unconditional, it is like a ring, it never ends, it goes on forever and ever and ever, even after the loved one exits the physical realm for the spiritual one.

Johnny cash says it best “love is a burning thing and it makes a fiery ring… I fell into the burning ring of fire I went down, down, down and the flames went higher…”

Does love hurt? You bet it does, but god it is worth it. The Bible tells us love is patient and is kind. I don’t know if I agree with that or not. After all, love proves to result in a lot of abuse and a lot of pain in many cases; does this make the love any less real? No, because we wouldn’t tolerate pain and suffering from those whom we don’t care for. Love is stupid, it is careless, it can be negligent. It is selfish and selfless. It is every emotion one can feel all rolled into one and that is why it is confusing and can cause so much pain. Even the best moments can hurt because that ring of fire burns hot, every single day of your life, and after the ones you love die the fire does not go out.

I have posed this question to many of you in the past, but I am thinking about it again now and figure I will put it out there, regardless of the fact that no one has an answer. Not a viable one anyway, only speculative.

I know that the first humans on earth, cavemen or whomever worshipped light. They scheduled their days and night by the sun and the moon and stars. They used fire to cook and they revered it. They knew the sun and the sky was responsible for their foods as they travelled about. So my question becomes, when did man put a face or a name to the fire/light that they worshipped and why? Was it self-proclamation that one was a god or was it far before that we began to pray and ask an unseen force for these gifts of life, offering sacrifices of thanks, to appease the gods, and as a way to pray. When and why did we make this leap from simplistic sun/light worship to giving it a face and a name? Did angels walk among us then in a far more obvious way then they do now? Anyone knows me would know that this question is driving me nuts because I like to know why. I understand faith; I understand believing with no proof other than what you know in your heart. I merely want to know how and when we made the jump.

Today, my heart was shattered and I fear that things will never be the same again. I know deep down that they won’t be, they can’t be. The house is gone, the yard is gone. Everything changes and as life moves forward I have come to realize that the only guarantee is death. Which is the one thing I want to control, I want to face on my terms, not on gods, not on doctors, but on my own. I want control of my death because I have never had control of my life.

Insha’Allah

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